tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74448961136389933032024-03-21T13:54:58.712-07:00She said it first... A Synopsis of my life.. This is me... Like it...love it... or Leave it. I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-84207054457721139282021-12-03T08:11:00.012-08:002021-12-03T19:52:37.845-08:00Dear Black Man <p>Dear Black Man: </p><p>We love you. We hear you. The message is clear even if the delivery is improper. We have not been educated in the ways of the world, misguided and left to fend for ourselves. As a result we have made some poor choices. While our poor choices impact us for the rest of our lives, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be respected, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be valued and it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be protected. It means we made a poor choice and in life, poor choices are to be made. Some lessons are best learned thru experience. Some are not. Some poor choices are repeated, some are not. Ironically, when you make poor choices, we are expected to forgive and love regardless but when we do it, we are condemned and seen as invaluable. Becoming a single mother did not happen solely by my choice; why did you leave? You participated in the creation and then u condemn me for accepting responsibility/consequences of our choice. You blame me for actions, that we participated in together….. You expect me to kill the life we created during an exchange of energy that fulfilled the love that we lacked n looked for so long. The love we expected from you. Temporary gratification. Creating the very thing you so adamantly hate. A household lead by us, a woman that was good enough to share your body with but not enough to love and build with. But black man, I don’t hate you, because I need you. While we have been misguided, you are lost too. You were taught that your value is found in the penis you possess. You are worth more than that. They fear you because you are powerful beyond measure, your intelligence intimidates them, your strong stature and ability to overcome is remarkable. But they engrained something different in you. You are worth more than the physical. Once you learn that, you will become invincible. Once you realize the unconditional love you seek, is the love only I, the black woman can provide. You have to be open to receiving it. Despite the poor choices, despite the mistakes, we are still deserving….of you… your love... your loyalty and commitment. We are deserving and I will never believe I’m not.</p><p>Black man, did u know that in today’s world we are the only community that exile each other, attack one another and belittle each other? Why do you think that is? Do you know, turning us against each other is the only way they can destroy us? Together, we embody the power of God, as we were created in the image. </p><p>We marry outside of our race, because we are safe there, we are accepted there, protected there and loved without conditions but why can’t we have that with you? Black man, y can’t you see we wanted you, we looked for you and yearned for you. Your leadership, intelligence and protection, but u took advantage of the kind heart, & fucked us…. over. Abandoned and then judged us for the child that I carried that shares ur blood. Black man, we lost value from ur perspective but we risked our lives to birth ur legacy. We were willing die so ur name lives, does that not mean anything to you? You left me to continue to partake in the same behaviors you condemn me for. Black man, I need you to guide me, to educate me, as I’ve been lead astray. My misguidance and lack of knowledge does not make u better than me, nor me better than u, just a human, navigating this journey of life, alone. Learning and living. Just as you do. Why am I criticized for making mistakes? Why not uplift me? Don’t look down on me; we came from you. Your rib. The part of the body designed to protect your heart. Why not allow us to do what I’m designed for? You push us away with hatred in your eyes. You push us away to a world that hates us as much as you do. You attack us for acts you encouraged us to participate in. You tell me we not worth your love, your protection, your leadership. Why? We were designed for you, you were designed for me. Accept, educate love & lead me so we can conquer this journey of life together….. Or we will die alone taking ur legacy with us. </p><p><br /></p><p>With love, light & peace, </p><p>The Black Woman </p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">**With patience and understanding, I hope this message isn’t received as an attack but more of an act of accountability coming from a place of love and support. Within our community, so many times when held accountable (by both women and men) it’s met with a response of aggression and perceived as a personal attack. It’s not. A person who holds you accountable recognizes what your worth, and is saying to you, ur actions are not aligning with your value. Being held accountable could be utilized as a moment of self reflection instead of a moment to be defensive (as long as it’s coming from the right person; everyone isn’t here to push u to become ur best self. Discernment is important) </span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"><br /></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;">- Big B</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody;"></span><br /></p>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-6400087731846558412018-06-08T11:14:00.000-07:002018-06-08T11:15:31.483-07:00I have been there.... <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: blue;">The news headline reads "Tuesday, June 5, 2018... Kate Spade Dead</span>..<span style="color: blue;"> Suicide..." I remember those feelings... I felt apologetic. I </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20src=%22https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FBNicole0704%2Fposts%2F573065701412&width=500%22%20width=%22500%22%20height=%22326%22%20style=%22border:none;overflow:hidden%22%20scrolling=%22no%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowTransparency=%22true%22%20allow=%22encrypted-media%22%3E%3C/iframe%3E" target="_blank"><span style="color: black;">posted</span><span style="color: blue;">.</span></a><span style="color: blue;"> I am so sorry Kate. Today... News headline reads "Caps won... Anthony Bourdain Dead 61</span>....<span style="color: blue;"> Suicide "</span>....<span style="color: blue;"> Today... I am sorry but I am reminded... I am reminded of the moments I battled those thoughts. I am reminded of the moments I fought that demon. I am reminded of the monster that still lives within me. I still struggle with the moments where I do not feel like I am enough. I struggle in those moments where I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I struggle thru motherhood. I struggle thru friendships. I live to fight thru these struggles. Some days I win the battle. Some days I do not want to fight. But every day I wake up I have the option. I write this today, from a place of thankfulness. In August 2015, I woke up and I decided I did not want to fight anymore. So I didn't</span>....<span style="color: blue;"> I had a job making close to 70K a year... I had a nice apartment ...3 beautiful happy healthy kids who had no idea of the internal war I was fighting... and I woke up one morning and it was not enough to bring me peace. I was not happy. So I just stopped fighting. For the first month, I was "sick" at work. I took them to camp and I stayed. Went home and was in my room. Once that month was over, I barely came out of my room. I stayed in my room until early. Did not go to work. Stopped cooking. Stopped going places. By the time I looked up my car was up for repo, my apartment was up for eviction and I was unemployed...Savings empty... I remember laying in bed one day...</span><span style="color: blue;"> imagine what</span><span style="color: blue;"> would happen if... if life for me ended on that day.. would my kids be ok... I never told anyone about those thoughts. I remember talking to a close friend and he randomly said "</span><span style="color: blue;">Ummm</span><span style="color: blue;"> how do you have so much free time'' and I quickly explained it away not admitting that I just stopped going to work... and he said "get ur ass up what are you doing..." and it clicked. I was back. I secured two new jobs and I was able to recover with time. I gave up my apartment and moved into a home. Caught up on my car payments and things were stable again</span>....<span style="color: blue;"> Everything was ok.. for the moment. Then April 2016, headed to my second job, on Suitland </span>Pkwy<span style="color: blue;">, in the rain, I was anxious because I was running late. I remember, putting my phone away and seeing the exit for Branch Ave. My next memory was the sound of the Firefighters trying to shatter the window to get me out the car. I remember struggling to breathe but between gasps asking for my son. I remember the firefighter saying, if he was in this car he is gone. Anxiety attacked again. Blacking out. Opening my eyes to see I am strapped to a bed on the elevator. My dad is here. My brother. I cannot breathe. I pass out again. I remember waking up to 4 friends. "Bitch don't scare me like that again" My first thoughts "I gotta get to work, I'm late...." Not understanding the extent of my injuries. Not understanding that I could have died. I remember my close friend gave me a card in the hospital;... I saved it for moments that I knew would come again soon. That accident was as close to death as I could get. Although I did not know why it happened; I am thankful it did. Although my life could have been validated in so many other ways; thru those moments I saw who would show up for me. I recovered and shortly after I recovered, I needed to move again. Once I was stable, here comes life again with more blows. Just returning to work, no longer have a car, and about to lose my place to live. I decided to fight. Found an apartment. Moved. and suddenly, one day something happened and I just remember feeling so sorry. I lost my temper on my daughter and I hit her like I had never hit her before. I remember looking at her and seeing how I hurt her. I felt like I failed. I survived all that but I still felt like I failed my children. I was disappointing my father. My mother did not love me. I hurt the people I love the most. I was just a complete failure in my mind. I remember in October 2016, I stood on the roof of my building. "what if I accidentally slip" played in my mind... I sat there crying imagining that this life was over. I needed it to be over. I had convinced myself and I just imagined the ways my kids would find me. Dead in the street. I grabbed my phone and I texted my friend as if I was not standing on the roof. I told him what happened. He made me laugh while reminded me of it being a </span><span style="color: blue;">forgivable</span><span style="color: blue;"> mistake. He brought me back and reminded me that I had a place and I never had to tell him, I was on the roof contemplating what life looked like without me and how life would be better without me. Later that week, I sought therapy. Today, I am still in therapy. Today I occasionally, take medication to help me balance. Today, I understand the importance of mental health. This is not a "check on your strong friend" message. This is not a "u never know what someone is going thru" moment. This is a moment, of self-reflection, self- validation, a moment where I recognize the pain Kate and Anthony experienced. Life sometimes has a weird way of teaching you things. These moments of death, of suicide, remind me of where I have been, what I have experienced, what I have overcome and what I endure daily. It reminds me of the importance of Mental Health. It reminds me that no matter how minor we think our role is in this world, we are important, we do so much for the people connected to us. So if we do nothing else today, take a moment to remind yourself of how great you are, how much this world needs you and how much of an impact you make. Even if it is small to you, it is an impact and WE (THE WORLD) NEED YOU. You are the only you that we have. Even if others duplicate you, they will never be you. SO BE YOU ON PURPOSE</span>...<span style="color: blue;"> </span></span>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-70212694220358194972017-04-20T07:33:00.000-07:002017-04-20T09:46:22.231-07:00Tell Me Who You Loyal To... By Webster's definition Loyalty is a noun, the quality of being loyal to someone or something; a strong feeling of support or allegiance. Growing up in this city, I have learned Loyalty is a verb. It requires action. It is more than a tattoo. It is deeper than physically standing next to someone. It is a commitment. It has to come from the heart genuinely. It can be taught but it requires lots and lots of patience from the teacher. It can also be naturally there. and if you do not have loyalty, simply put your character is deeply flawed.<br />
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When I write I always write about my personal lessons as a way to for others to relate and complete transparency. Today is no different. Those who know me personally know my struggles and also know how open I am; not because I want people to try to use something against me because honestly if I am honest in my mistakes and say yes I did this ...I learned and moved on so what can they really say.... but more so in a way to be 100% honest with who I am and where I am in my journey.<br />
So today, let's discuss loyalty and this crooked ass generation...<br />
As a human, you have to be loyal to yourself first. If you are not loyal to you, why would anyone else be loyal to you. In your friendships and personal relationships; make sure you are loyal to you first. Because if you are not, you will simply hurt yourself. Next, be loyal in your friendships. I have heard so many stories about women who have stopped talking to a "friend", a woman who she loves and a woman who knows all her secrets; but she ended the friendship because of a simple miscommunication. Friends fall out all the time. Fall down 7, get up 8. Be loyal to your commitment in your friendship. Because this same woman who has ended a friendships over one mishap; has forgiven the same stupid ninja 100 times over who makes her look stupid as a stick in these streets and shows no loyalty to her. How does this work Sis? And this brings me back to my first point: if you are loyal to yourself first; you would never be in the same position with the same man with the same opportunity to look dumb; waiting on him to change. **yells** HE AINT CHANGING FOR U SIS!! MOVE ON.<br />
Be loyal to yourself. Be loyal to your friendships.<br />
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Next, we have the intimate relationships. Listen. People make mistakes. We are humans. We are flawed. But it is a crystal clear line between a mistake a choice. If your woman ever puts you in the position to have the next man or men laughing at you. Who is she loyal to? and if your man, consistently puts you in the position to have, Sis "Coming to you as a woman" is he loyal to you or is he loyal to the opportunity of experiencing you? We have too many humans walking around today, where they are loyal to the idea of you... Loyal to the opportunity of experiencing you; Loyal to how wet your puss gets; Loyal to how deep your penis reaches but they are not loyal to the person that you are. Be mindful of these connections. You will end up being drained and defeated. Broken and Abused because you are more loyal to them than you are yourself.<br />
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Finally, Family. BE LOYAL TO YOUR FAMILY. NON NEGOTIABLE. This is your bloodline. This is your legacy. This is the greatest accomplishment you will ever be apart of. You know I get it, relationships end everyday. "My baby daddy ain't shit...My baby mother a slut" But you are to dig deeper and realize, its deeper than the person you are connected to. Respect yourself enough to be loyal to the family you created. I am not saying you have to be in a relationship with the person you share a child with because you don't. But you can still be loyal to your family because you are loyal to yourself and your family is a reflection of you. If you love the woman you are with but u know you don't have a future. Communicate that. Own that. And then create a plan that works for your family. Do not allow an outsider to tell you how to run your household. Parenting is a partnership at the end of the day. Be loyal to the partnership of parenting if you cannot commit to the person. Because even when the relationship ends **yells** YOU STILL CREATED THIS FAMILY WITH THE PERSON. This is how you are loyal to your children. Now if the other person is completely toxic to you; I get it. RUN. BLOCK. DELETE. Be loyal to you first. Figure the rest out later.<br />
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Your siblings are also your family. I always had a rule, people laugh at my rule but its my rule and I follow it: I can talk all the sh!t I want about my siblings; they are mine. But I will kill anyone who harms them. I will fight anyone who disrespects them and u better not ever let me hear you mention anything negative about them. I'm defending them until my last breathe. I will not publicly bash them because they mine and you cannot change family. I won't ever put an outsider before my family. Period. You do not have to follow that rule but be loyal to your family no matter what happens because you cannot pick your family.<br />
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Trust me. I have been in a many situations where I realized I was not even being loyal to myself, my friendships, my personal relationships and even moments with my family. But one day I had to ask myself, WHO ARE YOU LOYAL TO and HOW ARE YOU DISPLAYING THIS?<br />
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I was loyal to the money. I lost that. I was loyal to a ninja that wasn't mine; he went home. I was loyal to people I barely knew; they left me when they were done using me. I was loyal to "family" that wasn't actually family. They switched up when things went bad.<br />
But once I changed. Once I became loyal to myself, loyal to my genuine friendships (not the people who claimed to be my friends but left me; I mean the people who were really loyal to the person that I currently was and the woman I was growing to be) my family (my bloodline) I found life to be so much more peaceful and drama free. So today, ask yourself, who are you loyal to? Why? and how do you show it?<br />
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To many people are loyal to sex... that gets boring... drugs... u cannot get any higher sir/maam.. money... everybody has money...emotions... feeling change everyday B.<br />
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Tell me who/what you loyal to?<br />
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God. Self.Family. Friends. Be loyal. In that order. **Mama Dee voice**<br />
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<br />I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-20526939665120878762017-03-26T19:29:00.002-07:002017-03-26T19:29:31.527-07:00Moment of Transparency Moment of Transparency: Depression isn't a disease that just goes away after medication. It's a constant fight. And the craziest part is ur fighting ur thoughts. Friday, I felt myself losing it. I found myself dwelling on my past mistakes.<br />
I felt like I wanted to cry and be sad but I had no justification. I opted to take myself on a date. I saw Power Rangers. It was great but I felt something was missing. A cloud covered me.<br />
Yesterday, I didn't want to leave my bed. I considered quitting my part time. I considered hiding under the covers. Not coming out until Monday maybe. I forced myself to go to work. When I got there, my coworkers individually and unknowingly made me appreciate being there. I didn't realize I was up for my annual review. My boss raved about my performance. Encouraged me to consider a leadership position. My best friend texted me "ur aunt is looking for you" I remember thinking like Lord what I do now. I left work. Anxious to get home. Then I remembered I promised a friend to support her event. I can't not keep my word. My phone rings. My grandmother says "it's ur grandfathers birthday, come to dinner" in my mind I'm thinking about how I just wanna be alone in my bed away from humans. I agreed I will be in attendance. I made a stop. Then I went to my friend's event. It was amazing to see so many women supporting each other. Encouraging each other. I watched in amazement and appreciation for being there. Didn't stay long, Grand dad's dinner. I went and ate and laughed and talked and .... I felt like I was home for the first time in a long time. FaceTimed my sister; we sang happy birthday ate cake. Laughed with my cousins. Before I even realized it, we had moved to the front porch, more talking with family, while the kids played. I observed and just took it all in. In those moments, I didn't realize had I made the decision to let my depression keep me in the house, I would have missed what appeared to be nothing but in reality was everything.<br />
Today I woke up, I fought myself to get out the bed again, but then I reflected on what I woulda missed yesterday, and I realize, I belong. I am missed when I'm not around. I am appreciated most when I am present. I will make an effort to be present more often as selfish as it sounds, but because I want to live in more of those moments. I want to be present in those moments, I don't want to hear the stories or see the pictures.<br />
I want to be present and accounted for. Today as work, I caught a glimpse of myself, in a peaceful state, beautifully being myself. I looked at the beautiful woman in the mirror and I was proud of myself for continuing to fight. No matter what. In spite of everything that could be wrong, I push forward..... Tonight I am thankful.... I've come so far and I have further to go. But in the end I will win.I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-61548050917546820592017-03-07T08:38:00.000-08:002017-03-07T09:15:09.099-08:00You Protect what is Valuable to You .... This morning as I Lyft'd (not a word; def made that word up but it fits soooo moving along) ... My driver struck up conversation with me. The usual "U like the area... what do you think about it? ... It is changing so fast" My white driver referencing gentrification always makes me think does he really know whats going on... He is apart of the THEM who wants US out... I digress... ok back to the topic...<br />
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As we arrived to Julian's school, I ask him a couple questions to remind him of his daily affirmations. The life I speak into my babies. It is a very important part of my morning. "Are you going to make good choices today? Rushing, I get a yes. "Are you going to be a strong leader today?" Annoyingly I get a second Yes. "Are you going to show yourself respect by respecting others today?" Straight face he answers: Yes. His tone says "I have had enough Mom let me go." I had swooped him in my arms and help him hostage for those yes. and a few kisses lol. I watch as he runs to the building. He always moves slowly so he can stop to say hello to his friends along the way even tho I tell him to go straight to class so he will not be late. I digress again. He makes it safely inside.<br />
As I get back into the car, my driver says " I have never heard that before" Not realizing what he is speaking about I give him a "what chu talkin bout Willis look" (God that was a great show). He proceeds to admire my parenting. I thank him. As the car ride progresses he asks, "Who taught you how to be a parent"... I chuckled. "AIN'T NO MANUAL FOR THIS HERE! I AM WINGING IT BRO!" He laughed at my prompt response. I proceeded to tell him about becoming mother at 16 and how I really am just realizing how hard this parenting thing is. "Its 3 of them and One of Me... who da hell told me to sign up for this!" ** Please note how I am bat shit crazy because I want more, With a husband preferably twins 'insert Dab here'** Probably, ask myself this question once a damn day. If I get a phone call home from a teacher, twice in one day. Maybe 3 times....<br />
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As our conversation progressed and I mentioned how hard it is being a mom to a teenager. You know that does teen things. She knows everything. She steals my clothes. She talks back. She rather sleep all day and not do a single chore. Oh you guys this baby once told me "Just because it is not done ur way, does not mean it aint done"... She probably regretted that statement when she picked herself up off the floor. But today in this conversation, I reflected on myself as a teen and I reflected on a situation with close family members.<br />
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On Feb. 28, 2017, a 14 year old relative went missing. She was missing until March 4, 2017. During the time she was gone, I imagined everything under the sun. From Sex trafficking to homicide. I shared every flyer. I prayed. I was afraid for her. By the grace of God, she was returned home in one piece. I'm sure she is hurting. I'm sure she is afraid. I am sure her view of the world has changed now that she has had a taste of what every parent tries to protect their child from. I pray for her now as I would hope someone would pray for my 14 year old if she ever finds herself in that position.<br />
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I used this as a teaching tool. I went to my daughter. The rules that I have in place are not because I want to ruin ur life. The rules that are in place are because I want you to have your life. I want you to be able to experience a full life. I want you to remain as innocent as you possibly can for as long as you possibly can. I recently went thru my 14 year old's cell phone. The things I found were not a big deal. But to me they were enough for me to spazz over. Small simple rules were broken but to me small rule breaking leads to larger rule breaker so lets just cut the head off now and stay focused.<br />
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Idk the details on what happened that lead to my relative being missing. I just know the rules were broken somewhere in there. Not to blame her, but to say, rules are in place for protection. Period. Guidelines are in place for protection. As a parent, not even just in being a parent, as a person, a human, you protect what you value. If it is important to you, you will protect it at all costs and by any measure.<br />
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Life is so hard, Living a life when it is truly you VS the World is even harder! Lord these babies just do not know. When everyone has a motive and everyone wants something from you, and no one genuinely loves you for who you are. Only based on what you can give or do for them is HELL. Literally, hard as hell. I have not experienced hell but I am almost sure that is close to it.<br />
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But one day, I hope my babies grow to see that EVERYTHING, every decision, every step, every move I have made up until this point has been to protect them. I have seen this world, I have experienced how it can eat u up if you allow it, and I will not give them to the streets. That is why I am hard on them, that is why I push them to be the best version of themselves. I value them. This world, does not and will not.I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-7929594190288849382017-03-05T14:04:00.000-08:002017-03-05T14:04:17.382-08:00You Need You More Than They Need You "You are only obligated to urself n ur children" my best friend told me.... in my head I remember thinking but u don't understand because if I don't ...<br />
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Dad won't eat right. He will get sick n die.<br />
My sister and her children need me.... who else is going to save them?<br />
My brother is young he doesn't know any better; I have to show him.<br />
My friends need guidance, I have to teach them. And if they don't have it I gotta get it to them because I have it. It's just the right thing to do.<br />
I have to support all my friends in all their business ventures because they are my friends and that's what just what u do.<br />
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Yes I'm only having sex with him, but we are friends and he has to know, no one got him like I got him. He is my friend and lover in one. How cool is this? I can tell him all my secrets and have all the amazing sex I want. WINNING. 😐.... and that's just a few... I obligated myself to everyone I cared for.<br />
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Encourage. Support. Love. Teach. Show them ur mistakes so they won't make the same ones.<br />
That was my mindset for everyone close to me. Everyone I ever said that I love. Everyone I ever connected myself to. I had to pour myself into them because that's just what is required. I love that's just what I do. Even if it doesn't come back to me. Even if it's never ever reciprocated. Even if it's unwarranted. Even if they are undeserving. It's just what I do.<br />
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April 23,2016. I was involved in single car accident. 4 ribs fractured right lung punctured. I remember thinking I killed my son... I remember worrying about being late for work. I think of the guy I was sleeping with at the time. I remember waking up to seeing 4 ppl. My father. 3 close female friends. Where was everyone else? I got a few phone calls. My sister who I hadn't spoken to in months... I remember her walking into the room and tears pouring out her face. I scared her. I immediately wanted to hug. I needed her there. Her showing up gave me strength.<br />
I remember waking up and thinking FUCK IM LATE FOR WORK. They are gonna fire me. I remember being in the hospital room alone and thinking "where are all those damn ppl I woulda showed up for" .... Death knocked on my door and I can count on one hand who showed up for me. That was my peak. See God had started removing things from me n I didn't even notice until he exposed me to me. All the material things that mattered to me were gone; my car was the final piece. He had to expose me to myself. 4/23/16 he did. I tried to fight it. I accepted excuses and apologies. It was ok. I mean, I only could have died. No big deal. Really. Clearly. It was ok. In reality, it wasn't tho.<br />
I was so busy loving everyone else.... I never took the time out to love me.<br />
I never had the time to notice I was growing and changing and by the time I did, my body was broken n bruised all up. I wasn't happy with myself. I didn't recognize the person I had become. I was so angry inside. I was so sad inside. I was so distraught inside. But I couldn't stop. I had gotten into the habit of loving everyone else, I didn't even know how to love the woman I had become. I had no clue where to begin. So I started small. My appearance was always important to me. But I had realized my hair wasn't what made me beautiful. All my life I had ppl around me who raved over this thick curly hair.<br />
I cut it all off.<br />
Next. I realized I had so many negative ppl around me. I established a distance. I still love you .... but I gotta protect my space. This new woman, the woman I am becoming, I cannot be attached to negativity. I left them where they stood. I didn't warn them. I didn't explain myself. I just moved.<br />
It's minor but I stopped the regular maintenance. Nails. Brows. Hair. I made an effort to get back into the habit. Those are things I do for myself. Non negotiable.<br />
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Then. My friends. The hardest part was removing ppl I never imagined living without. I mean how do u go from speaking everyday to not speaking at all. That's when I learned. Friends don't do things to u, that can bring u pain. Even if it's intentional, they won't make decisions that could possibly hurt u. They know u week enough to know what hurts u, what wouldn't. At least friends should. Not saying ur friends won't ever hurt u, they will. It's a difference between mistakes and choices. I looked at myself and said I'm this type of friend to my friends so why are u allowing this type of behaviors from ur "friends." I moved. No explanations. No warnings. We are grown. Just move. Everyone has sight but not everyone has vision and not everyone can go where u are going.<br />
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I remember being at therapy and my therapist asked.... "who makes time to take care of u while ur taking care of everyone else" and I sit down and thought about it and I realized. I have to be that person. I have to save me. No one else will. <br />
And I made a promise to myself not to tolerate anything I wouldn't be willing to accept. Friends. Family. Any human.<br />
I am only obligated to myself and my children.<br />
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THAT'S IT!<br />
<br />I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-71417832490783252652017-03-02T06:41:00.001-08:002017-03-02T06:44:03.339-08:00Blended Families ... The 2017 Version Blended Families... Not so uncommon today... Very uncommon when I was growing up. I remember my 6th grade graduation... Standing proudly on the stage to receive my honor roll certificate. I remember seeing my mom on one side. My dad on another with my aunts. I remember my blue dress and sandals that I was so press to wear. I remember being so excited because I get to see my daddy. I also remember hearing "suck my dick bitch" ... "Fuck u aint no dick to suck"... I remember posing for a photo with my dad and never taking a single photo with my mother that day.<br />
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I remember my Aunt Netta looking at me saying how proud she was but I couldn't feel that because my parents were broken. My parents could not stand as the unit they were. They couldn't even stand together in a single photo for 30 seconds in honor of their child making honor roll. I did not make honor roll after that. No more award ceremonies for me. I remember holidays with no dad. Him sneaking up to my middle school to give my presents. I remember my mother finding my presents later and destroying them. Child this was a broken family. My father would have a new baby. Never got remarried. Still single today. My mother would have a new baby remarry later. That ended in divorce as well. Still not married today. I never wanted that broken family for my children. </div>
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I went on a search to create the family I never had. I had my first child at 16. I was so pressed for my little family. I didn't want anyone to take it away from me. I did everything I could to make sure it flourished. He had another child 13 months after our daughter was born. I was devastated. My family was not my family. He was just spreading his seed every where. I did everything I could to force him to accept our family. Even took the offer to move with our baby into his parents house. He rarely came home once I moved in. He ending up moving out unofficially, a few months after I moved in. I hated his son's mother. Not because of who she was or what she did but because I blamed her for my broken family. Not realizing he never was committed to the idea of us being a family in the first place. We were children having children, playing house. It was so much drama!! </div>
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The first few years were rough. I would help with his son. I loved that boy. I always wanted a son. I remember he was a few months and I gave him water to drink. His mother was livid. I never wanted to hurt him; I hope she understands that I would never hurt her child. I loved him like he was mine. My sister's brother. I wanted them to grow closely together. She and I re-established our friendship. Our common denominator was him. We agreed to focus on being friends for our babies. It was great. We even took family pictures once. He would sleep over our house sometimes and my baby loved her brother. Eventually, I moved onto another relationship and not even realizing I created a distance.I lost my old family and created a new family. He had a new baby with another woman. I was NOT interested in blending families with her. Just raggedy. I distanced myself more. I wanted to reach out to his son's mom, tell her I was praying for her. I know she was hurting. But we were friends for the sake of the kids. So the few rare times we did speak; it was about the children. </div>
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Eventually my relationship ended. My new family was broken. My old family was broken. So I was just going thru the motions of making things work best I could. </div>
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My oldest daughter's dad re-established our relationship based on our daughter. He would bring his boys over to visit every now and then. Her birthday parties everyone must attend. My children, not their sibling but my two, do not really know their sister's siblings. But it is in progress. </div>
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My experiences have taught me being a broken family means u can never be a blended family. You cannot come together when you are broken. Families only blend when the adults take the time to resolve/heal from their issues while doing what is in the best interest of the children involved. I appreciate my daughter's brothers' mother. We have figured out what works for us and our blended family. Kids deserve to be loved on from all angles despite the adults relationships. That's the only way they are well grow to be great. They have to understand no person is perfect but the image of perfection comes with maturity and working thru the differences in spite of the pain. I pray my children understand this. and I pray my husband (whenever he arrives) understands that, its deeper than babies in common. We are a blended family. A support team. This is the village. We have to love thru the adult mistakes, to create better humans. Its all about choices. So far, so good. </div>
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I am so ready for the day of us having a Christmas or Thanksgiving together all under one roof. <3 </div>
I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-58961977888753166192016-12-06T10:05:00.002-08:002016-12-07T07:04:45.462-08:00I am that Woman..... <div style="text-align: center;">
I am that woman.... </div>
<br />
The past two years have been truly hard. I am not even certain that the hardest parts are over. I just know I have gotten thru this journey so far and I am ready for tomorrow. I just know I am better because of it and on my way to becoming the best version of myself. I just know I have learned so much about myself. I was reading an article about Mental Illness a long time ago. Really long ago. I remember laughing at the individuals for being "weak". Mental illness isn't real; I felt Its an excuse so I thought. I didn't realize God was exposing me to myself. I did not realize Mental Illness is not always about ending up in a jacket that makes u "hug yourself" as you bounce off padded walls. Let me help you understand the importance of Mental Illness and how you can see it everyday around you and not even realize that you are sick. Mental illness is being so angry at everyone... for absolutely nothing. You are angry at them for living, for their happiness, for their successes, for simply existing while you struggle with understanding why you cannot have that same level of happiness; why u struggle with seeing people and hearing they say they love you but not feeling it because you are not open to receiving it. You struggle with everyday tasks... Simply showering. You make life all about yourself. Everything is a personal attack against you. Of course your not beautiful enough. Of Course your not smart enough; of course you do not deserve that respect. Of course they will speak to you like your nothing. Because you are nothing. At least that's what you believe in your mind. Your mind is ill. Mental illness. So what do you do? You pretend. You begin to do things to make sure everyone around you is happy and u do not focus on yourself because you do not matter to you.... FOR YEARS. Until finally, you lose everything. Everything that you thought mattered... is now gone. All the materials. All the friends. All the money. The business. The fake love. It is gone. and you are forced to deal with all that you have left....You. Because the ones who matter depend on you. And it is important that you are better because their success is dependent on the state of your mental health. God takes you out of everything that was comfortable to you. All the friends you depended on who gave you that little bit of happiness.... They left. The money that you depended on to buy all the materials... You lost it... The family that you did not appreciate because they did not live up to your expectations... Yep. Got so used to living without you and yep lost those too. So you panic... Trying to figure out how to get it all back.... You make strides. You progress in replacing what you lost. But this time; is just isn't enough. Your "happiness" is not coming like it was before.... and you have an experience... This experience is your defining moment. You almost lose your life and you realize all the things that you had before... all the people that you had before... all the ones who you "lived" for... all the ones you would risk it all for.... all the ones who u thought needed u... all the ones you gave ur last for... were not as important .... as YOU. Where would you be without you? and you realize in that moment how sick you are... You need to heal. But u are not sure how because for so long you have been surrounded by so many that you do not even recognize you anymore. How do you heal when u do not understand how it is broken? You do not know how to say "I do not like that" "I do not want that" "I am not ok" ... Everything begins and ends with the keeping and caring of you first. You disconnect yourself. You sit in a room; sad and sick. No one is there. The people who are still connected to you do not even recognize you or they are starting to see its something wrong so you remove them in fear that they will end up hating who you really are. You think maybe this life is meant to be without you.You sit on the roof of a building and you look down and close your eyes. In those moments you replay all the times when u couldnt have been happier.... The smiles the laughs the lessons and the heartbreaks... You consider if u slide off the edge ... those are the people u would be leaving behind.... Are u selfish enough to really do this? You are not. U go back inside. You sit down and u do not come out for a few days.... In those days u sleep the pain away. In those days you realize... U miss you. The times where u laughed until ur stomach hurt with those u loved more than life and who loved u back genuinely. Where u did what made u happy first? I could not communicate to anyone what I was feeling inside; I just knew it did not feel good and one day... After a long day of dealing with myself and life... I came home. My children were being children. My teenager was being a teenager. I do not recall the specifics of the day but I just remembered losing it. ON MY CHILD. I hit her. Hard. Multiple times. She had done something wrong but my reaction was unwarranted. She did not deserve the pain I inflicted on her. All because I was hurting inside and could not say why. and in that moment where I watched my teenager look at me in fear; and tears that she rarely cries poured out her eyes; it killed me to realize that I hurt her. I physically hurt her. My daughter is very much so like me. She rarely shows her true emotions. Her dog died earlier in the year and she cried for maybe 30 minutes and came back like "OK so can we get a new one" She is legit the strongest kid I have ever known and I broke her because I was broken. In my moment of self reflection I decided: the people you thought you needed; You do not... You do not need those opinions. You are valued. You are worthy. You deserve the love you pour into everyone else and you give it to yourself because no one owes you anything. You accept what you have done; you accept your mistakes; you accept your imperfections and you make a decision: It is time You love you first. Heal what is broken inside of you. Your children are everything but they are nothing without you. They would not exist without you. Your parents are awesome but they are humans they are not perfect. Your friends are great but they are humans too. Humans are not perfect and will fail you every time when given your expectations. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself and Be ok with you FIRST.<br />
That very next day I decided to go into mental health therapy.<br />
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I am a woman who loves everyone but I hated people. Because people were hurtful to me. I was too sensitive to the harsh realities of this wicked world. I loved my children more than I loved myself because I valued their lives more than my own. I loved men who did not understand what it means to love a woman like me; I loved friends who hated me and I hated friends who loved me genuinely. I sometimes lay in bed while the laundry piles up high; and the dishes sometimes stay in the sink for days at a time because I am too lazy to do them. My hair is usually a mess unless I am leaving the hair shop; I bite my nails due to my anxiety so I made it a must do to get my nails done every two weeks. I have 3 kids but my weight loss/gain was because my depression would kick in after I had a baby. I never wanted to have kids anyway but I never could say that out loud. I am so thankful for those three lives man. God knew I needed them. I would get a new car at least once a year because I was validated by the material possessions. They made me feel accomplished. I would lie to people about the dumbest things just because I was afraid that if I was honest about how I felt they would not want to be around me. I valued the opinions of worthless people. I cared too much about irrelevant things. I appreciated the validation of outside sources. I long for acceptance by people who I did not need to be accepted by. I was crazy! I am mentally ill. My diagnosis after a few therapeutic sessions: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In addition to the trauma life exposed me to; I traumatized myself. I made a decision to stop. I took a step to heal myself. I took a step to understand myself and I am so thankful for what I have learned thus far on this journey. I am that woman. I am that African American woman. The one so many fear. The "crazy" one. Yep. I am there. and I am ok with that.<br />
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Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. and to those who I have lost along the way; Thank you for leaving when you did. I am better because of every gain and every loss. <3I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-50319223266807244792014-08-20T09:06:00.001-07:002014-08-20T09:06:12.479-07:00The Reality of Death....It has been a while.... Most recent obstacle I have had is dealing with the death of my grandmother. Its crazy because the reality is... Everyone is gonna to die. We all know this. We are told this, in the end we all die. But its different when its family. I mean I have had many friends transition. It hurts yes, but it happens you cry, you miss them but eventually you move past it. My grandmother's death was different for me. This wasn't just a cry and move on. I have so much I have to tell her that I didn't think to tell her until I saw her laying in the casket. So many things I remember that didn't dawn on me until I kissed her cold skin for the final time. Like how she told me to stop being mean to my mother, in the end she is your only mother. Or when I was 16 and pregnant and she took me to the store and while walking she said "well at least we know what u were doing last spring" or how she refused to listen to my doctor when they told me to wait until my contractions were two minutes apart, "u aint having that baby in this apartment" The many times she told me your the strongest one, thats why no one messes with you. Her strength could not be mirrored, she was short but u had to take her serious because she was grandma. Even in her final years, Doctors would say she isnt gonna live, she fought thru it. She survived. She was ok. She was stronger then they knew. She never cared what ppl said about her. She was just her. and I lost all of that.... How do u move on from that? How do u move on from losing your foundation? She was the only grandmother who was actually mine u know, the one that was there in the baby pictures, toddler pictures, graduations and Christmas dinner. How do you live the same? She was here for my 3 children's pregnancies, she won't be here for my wedding. I am defeated. She saw so many mistakes so many wrong things I did, she won't be here to see me make things right. I don't have a house to run too when I'm hungry now. Who will fry fish every Friday because its Friday. Grandma's house won't be the last house I go to this Christmas. I am broken now. There is no coming back from death. There is no, "I will call her later" or "ill go visit next year" I can never be the same...I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-85073839277742339142014-02-20T10:39:00.001-08:002014-02-20T10:42:46.581-08:00The Demise of the Black Family... Part 1....<p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">As I look around today… I look at the children... The reflection of our future… I observe videos posted online of our babies. I wasn’t around during the era where little girl’s wore dresses and bow ties</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">. </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">I wasn’t around for the era when little boys played with trucks and cars. I can only imagine growing up in those times.</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">My children are growing up in an era where it is cute to curse, where they are encouraged to wear shirts that show breast</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">s</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> that haven’t formed and a belly that still had baby fat around it. They w</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">ear</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> eye line</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">r</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> and lip gloss before they can read. They can sing Nikki Manaj</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> but have no idea who Jackie Joyner </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">Kersee</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">It makes me wonder… WHO ARE RAISING THESE CHILDREN?? I understand being a parent is hard. I understand it comes without a manual. But what is the difference in US as parents today, when compared to the parents in previous generations??? Every morning I have conversations with my spiritual sister and today’s topic, like many other </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">days, revolved around the status of </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">men</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">, black men in particular</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">.</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">The </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">conversations on the </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">quality of our black men today lead to the quality of black families. She mentioned to me the welfare system and how it was designed. We basically agreed, the demise of the black family began in our parent’s era. Our par</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">ents are both in their 50’s. So, </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">when they started their families, it was during the era when </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">“</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">Black Men</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">”</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">had difficulties getting jobs. Dads couldn’t work (legally we can address the drug era at a different time) and as a result, mothers were encouraged to use welfare. The catch with welfare is a man couldn’t live within the home. So if you take a man out the home give the woman money in his place thus creating an “independent” dependent. Does it make s</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">ense?</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">The man isn’t in the home. S</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">o his family isn’t his family anymore</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">.</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">T</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">he man naturally is a provider but at this point, you have replaced the provider with a system that does what he does so he feels he isn’t needed. As a result, he goes somewhere </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">where he feels like </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">he is needed; starts a new family and BOOM: The cycle is repeating. But wait, it gets better. So now we have a black man with multiple children, with multiple women. What happens next? The women began to hate each other. Why? Because they see the one another as competition; which leads to women hating each other and also hating the man they happen to have children with which in turns creates broken children because the two people who created them hate each other and they are forced to grow up in an hostile environment. I hope this is making sense</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">. </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"></span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">In summary, </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">the final result</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">is we have black families that are angry and fighting all because they were simply trying to get ahead</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">,</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> but they were using a system that given to them instead of strategically planning and creating a system of their own. The catch is the </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">“</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">system</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">”</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> they thought was designed to help them grow together was actually designed to tear them apart and has contributed to the demise of African Americans as people, as a family unit.</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">Today, we have children who do not understand the importance of the family foundation. They do not have values. They do not have morals</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">.</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">They do not have self-</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">respect</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">. They</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">got caught between the battle of</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> mommy fighting daddy because their </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">“half” </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">sister was born</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">. </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">Our children have become victims of a war waged against black marriages, black families and black communities.</span></span></p><p class="s2" style="margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">And </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">our children are lost. You have little girls in the streets searching for the attention they should be getting from home. You have men acting as women because they have no one around to show them what it means to be a man. We have broken people creating broken children and the cycle will continue until we take a moment to recognize what we are doing wrong and actually do something to fix it. My point in all of this: It all starts at home and with us; with the family. Build a solid foundation. Become a team as husband and wife</span><span class="s5" style="font-weight: bold;"> with God as the head coach</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">. Create </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">your </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">plans </span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">first. T</span><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;">hen</span><a name="_GoBack"></a><span class="s3" style="font-weight: bold;"> build your roster (with children.) It is time our families begin to be families again. Teach our children and guide our children.</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3KjuzYA9w5Zw0pzTnmxDoNQkOeKT_fCH7V0QlfygBXUNDDFPQZ7ZuMfz176YxI4IxQkq_0A2PWoMHNDXx2_HTkzmkEy3sctUYzd4d3flhaEAoorw4rkdjNsWbYUCha132fVCYn5J-sI/s640/blogger-image--1050866296.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhC3KjuzYA9w5Zw0pzTnmxDoNQkOeKT_fCH7V0QlfygBXUNDDFPQZ7ZuMfz176YxI4IxQkq_0A2PWoMHNDXx2_HTkzmkEy3sctUYzd4d3flhaEAoorw4rkdjNsWbYUCha132fVCYn5J-sI/s640/blogger-image--1050866296.jpg"></a></div><p></p>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-22136566969180143862013-12-08T15:40:00.001-08:002013-12-08T15:40:04.163-08:00The Man NOT to fight over....After speaking with some friends and personal life experiences....I think I need to get a class together. A class of young ladies ages 15-30. This class will cover basics. Like how at 15 ur focus should not be a boyfriend. And I know I get it ur 15, ur in love, it will last forever but even at 27 I don't know what to do with a boyfriend so at 15 I'm almost sure u have no idea what having a boyfriend really means. Like what do u do with a boyfriend? How often does it eat?? Do u have to play with it? Ughhhh no. I'll pass. I was stupid at 15. I did stupid things at 15. Maybe how at 17 graduating high school and getting accepted into a decent college. 21 ur goal should be saving. "Stack. Pray. Stay out the way" I learned many lessons n I did learn them the hard way and now I just want to pass a few lessons onto the ladies.... This post is entitled the man not to fight over because I have witnessed girls ( won't call them ladies) fighting over the bottom of the barrel guy. The bottom of the barrel guy is the guy that is comfortable with nothing. The guy who lives with his mom n has absolutely nothing going for him self. Uneducated. Unmotivated. No 401K. No College degree. No car. No job. Just waiting on something to be handed to them. Just completely lost!! This guy isn't interested in dating... Y??? Cuz he can't afford too. But he is interested in sex. Y?? Because that's his best asset. The most he has to offer is his penis and guess what??? There are women actually fighting for this guy!!!! Wait... Wait. WHAT?!? What happened to the days where women said u know what, u meet this standard n this standard n that standard. Today it seems the only standard u have to meet is "ur penis gets hard longer than two minutes" then, it becomes I love u, ur mine. Next thing u know, ur on a social network arguing over who he loves n don't love. Ladies!!! Let's not do this. Has the quality of men changed?? Or have we as women have lowered out standards to the point where the man doesn't have to do anything. Just that desperate where we will settle for anyone?? I get it everyone has struggles. Everyone goes thru tough times. I am all for standing by ur man when he needs u and he is going thru a tough time... But u <b>DO NOT </b>fight over the bottom of the barrel man. That is the Man U have to humbly leave him where he stands, if another female ever approaches u. Bow out gracefully! U deny or don't reply!! This is not up for debate. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not man bashing. I'm not against men at all. I just don't agree with the antics I have been seeing. Like come on?? U met his mom, cuz he is sexing u in her house! The Man U should be willing to fight for, is the one who is investing into you, the one who is pushing you to grow. The protector the provider. The man who makes U his wife, his priority. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">No man is ever worth fighting for, and the one that is, will never put u in a position where you would have too. #stepsoffsoapbox</span>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-29948334534826988302013-11-07T07:41:00.000-08:002013-11-07T07:41:41.138-08:00What Is Love.... <div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">So many times, you hear someone say, "I love you" But
with no real understanding of what Love truly is. I spent 7 years with someone
thinking I was in love with this man. Now, first let me clarify, you can
definitely love someone and not be in love with them. Today, I am specifically
speaking on what love is. So back to this 7 year debacle; I was with someone
for 7 years. I allowed him access to love one child and I birthed 2 extra
babies just for him in case the first one wasn't enough for him... so 7 years...
4 children... a lot of memories... A LOT of lessons... But I questioned, was
that love.... You see this man was the rising of the sun, the setting of the
moon, the air to my lungs, the reason I did everything that I did... but was it
love? You can feel all these wonderful things about a person, but how do you
know that it is love? I mean we had sex, I brought gifts, remembered all the
little details about his life that others don't pay attention too. I washed his
dirty draws, I allowed his friends that I hated to come into my house and play
video games. I paid bills.I loved his family and his mother and put them (him
included) before myself even most times. But was it love? What did this man
do... or what did this man say that made me "love" him so much.... As
our relationship ended, the lack of respect that was shown throughout the 7
years reached an all time high... The women that showed their faces throughout
the 7 years .... The lies and the manipulation... The "u won't find
anyone better than me" The times where he was diagnosed with STD's but my
test came back negative 2/3 times ... The "pregnancy scares" from
other women... The way that this man had complete control over how I breathe,
talked, dressed, walked, smelled and smiled..... How could that not be love???
How can I give you everything in my world, and in the end we do not have love?
I give u money, my dreams, my goals, my life, I cater, I make calls, I transfer
funds, I'm awake at the crack of dawn making breakfast, fixing lunches, making
snacks and leaving notes... "don't forget to take the trash out" ....
Is this not love?? Sadly, it took 7 years and 4 kids, some hospital trips, a
few bruises, a few court cases, restraining orders, busted windows, walls and
doors, crying children and screaming mothers, a few "dumb b!tches", a
couple fist fights, a few more "shut up while I am talking to you." a
lot of "did u just hang up on me" .... One "daddy please don't
kill him" ... and a night... a night of crying out "GOD PLEASE HELP
ME... THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME" ... tears overflowing... pain bursting
from within... a heart into a million pieces... Lives altered... For me to
see.... True Love... The love that I thought I had, the love I thought I
shared, the love I thought I was building.... was simply NOT REAL.... U see, I
hid the bad by making up Good.... I covered up bruises with a smile. See I
said, he will control this temper and when he does he will be great for me. For
us. Until than I will wait patiently for him to understand.... The way he loves
is KILLING ME.... but that night... that night in February when I cried out..
when I said "GOD HELP ME... There is King growing within me and I see now
I cannot make it without you.... I cannot do this by myself... I cannot change
this man alone God. I cannot do anymore to show him I love him... I just cannot
win this war...." I stopped fighting... I started praying. I asked God to
show me.... Tell me what love is... Because after 7 years, we have to have
love, there is no way this is not love.... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0pt 0pt 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">God's reply to me.... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-size: 14pt;">“If u give everything u own to the poor and even
go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but u don’t love, I’ve gotten
nowhere. So, no matter what u say, what u believe, and what u do, You are
bankrupt without love... But my child, understand this: </span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="line" style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Love never gives up.</span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span class="text"><span style="font-size: 14pt;">Love cares more for others than for self.</span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><br />
<span class="text">Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.</span><br />
<span class="text">Love doesn’t strut,</span><br />
<span class="text">Doesn’t have a swelled head,</span><br />
<span class="text">Doesn’t force itself on others,</span><br />
<span class="text">Isn’t always “me first,”</span><br />
<span class="text">Doesn’t fly off the handle,</span><br />
<span class="text">Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,</span><br />
<span class="text">Doesn’t revel when others grovel,</span><br />
<span class="text">Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,</span><br />
<span class="text">Puts up with anything,</span><br />
<span class="text">Trusts God always,</span><br />
<span class="text">Always looks for the best,</span><br />
<span class="text">Never looks back,</span><br />
<span class="text">But keeps going to the end.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">Love never dies. Inspired speech will be
over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit.
We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always
incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.” 1 Corinthians 13 <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt;">What we were building… was a house on
quicksand… That was not love… Love is not forced, deceit or manipulation. Love
is God. Love is not disrespectful. Love doesn’t call you out your name. Love
does not lie. Love does not envy. Love is not jealous or overbearing. Love is
not forsaken. Love is not cheating. Love
is not crying yourself to sleep wondering where someone is and who they are
with. Love is not fear. Love is not hidden. Love is no secret. Love is not
sneaking off in the middle of the night. Love is not obsession. Love is not
insecure or jealous. God is love. To
know and understand God’s love…. You will then have the capability to love
yourself and love those around you. So before you, speak another I love you….
Question yourself, is this love? Or am I in a situation of convenience? Am I
here for love or am I here because I have children? Am I here because we are
building or because I am afraid of being alone? Is this love or are we stuck in
a situation where we are miserable but don’t want to see each other with
someone else? What type of love do you have, if you cannot love yourself enough
to take the time out to truly understand what love truly is….. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-80719779497360605322013-10-09T05:12:00.001-07:002013-10-09T05:14:00.458-07:00I Love Me Enough for the both of us...I am perfectly aware of who I am n whose I am. My creator made me n his image. I'm nothing short of amazing n because I kno this I am capable of loving those who hate me. I can laugh when I am criticized n I can twist the hate into motivation. I am perfectly flawed n they are perfect flaws because they are mine I kno them n no one can use them against me. See I have learned that when u hate another it is more a reflection of ur character than it is theirs. So when I<br>say There is no hate in me that's exactly what I mean because I'm so full of love, hate has no room. If God created me n his image n another n his image, if I hate u I'm hating myself n God too. I love me too much for that. When u take the time to learn n love u, u will be amazed by the power u can find simply within urself. The power to forgive because u have been forgiven. The power to smile when ur world is crumbling. The power to laugh when ur critiqued n the ability to pray n love ur enemy. Now that doesn't mean that everyone is worth having ur love. U can love someone, pray for them n not associate urself with them. They don't have to be apart of ur life for u pray for them. It's like that family member no one deals with, u love them but u don't have em around or in ur business. Love urself enough to kno who is worthy of receiving ur love. Everyone isn't worth what u have to offer. Love yourself enough to remove urself from anything that doesn't promote ur purpose. If it doesn't help u grow, let it go. Don't settle for mediocrity when u have greatness within you. Love yourself.... <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlmlvaxAR3UhWECsk1TsAo6bY8qs52gqf7PPz9jP0jMnSGtWOeICj1M79MZydc2_R7XtApcNXHhj5psmV-jtfJGX4vL2ZbNwatURowJ7GubL3PRpdGELADfM2fW3Jb_Ozc3Q4ZtPKFhnM/s640/blogger-image-2086160197.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlmlvaxAR3UhWECsk1TsAo6bY8qs52gqf7PPz9jP0jMnSGtWOeICj1M79MZydc2_R7XtApcNXHhj5psmV-jtfJGX4vL2ZbNwatURowJ7GubL3PRpdGELADfM2fW3Jb_Ozc3Q4ZtPKFhnM/s640/blogger-image-2086160197.jpg"></a></div>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-45970622082889924392013-09-04T07:57:00.002-07:002013-09-04T08:04:01.872-07:00Growth... " You're so gorgeous..." "Your smile is so different" "You have a glow within you" "Something is so different"... Lately, I have been hearing this so much. My response is the typical, thank you or "really... well thanks" Not really paying much attention. Not really seeing what ppl were seeing. I have always believed I was cute. Pretty sometimes even. But gorgeous... Me... Gorgeous is Beyonce and em. The ones you see on the TV screen. Not the girl from SE with 3 babies with the crazy baby favaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa **pops tongue**... Last night I went to bible study, took a lot of notes. Pastor said something I have heard before but this time it struck me differently. Pastor said " You Gotta see it before you see it....You will never progress to the promise until you see it." He continued with his lecture... "Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world... the darkness of evil cannot dwell when you have the brightness of life (God) within you" Something kinda clicked. For years and years, I listened to how ugly I was... How stupid I was. How I was this name and that name. Three years ago when I went to God and I cried out for him to save me. I cried out for him to save my son. I cried GOD HELP ME PLEASE. See what I did not know then was all I had to do was ask. What I did not understand then was the power of the tongue. Last night Pastor spoke "do you realize how much power you have when you speak. Life or death is a matter of the tongue...." I heard it before. It processed last night. I looked online at my recent pictures. I saw me. I see me. This me now, although I am very much a work in progress, this me now is most definitely different. I mean duh you're supposed to grow up and you're supposed to change. 6 years ago, there were less pictures of me. More of my children. I did not want to bring attention to myself. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I wore my hair tied under a pillowcase (I called it my muslim wrap) I didn't care for myself. I wore whatever. I said whatever. I had no regard for myself. My focus was solely on my children<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd-a9Sj_1IIZOQtxaVvpTDfQjxSf-ozFmRcp6VcxoztWtwYXX6nB6Vn48nGIdCxoVaqHCOKSV8W6xq93zP8A_1UpREh0ANKGkYuNDWTog1G4OE-70Il1Lw7t1YnUcL_eyQpugWyFZaxNI/s1600/PicCollage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd-a9Sj_1IIZOQtxaVvpTDfQjxSf-ozFmRcp6VcxoztWtwYXX6nB6Vn48nGIdCxoVaqHCOKSV8W6xq93zP8A_1UpREh0ANKGkYuNDWTog1G4OE-70Il1Lw7t1YnUcL_eyQpugWyFZaxNI/s1600/PicCollage.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a>and their father. I needed him to be happy with me. I needed him to see I did not want anyone but him and the only way for me to show that was to hid myself from the world. He was always very angry. Today, I am not that same person. I have grown to kinda understand life, love and all the in between. I am still making mistakes. My judgement is still off. Some days I don't want to leave bed and I just want to lay and around and enjoy my wine. But as I reflect, I see where I started, where I stood, what I have endured and where I am now and where I am going, this type of growth, only can come from God. I changed how I spoke. I am changing how I think. I am changing. The change started with my building with God. Many don't understand it. Some will brush it off. But this growth can only be made by God. I am who I am because he is who he is. He saved me when I did not care enough to save myself. When my world crumbled, I mean I lost everything the person I gave everything too, the family I worked hard to keep maintain, the friends I did my best to impress. God took it all from me. Not to punish me. But to show me, all that I will ever need will come from him. As long as I have him, my new "glow" will shine brighter than before. My beauty is simply of reflection of God's grace and mercy. Without God I am nothing. God is moving within me... Thank God I don't look like what I have been thru.<br />
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<3 Brit Nicole I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-70628039878550131042013-08-28T07:02:00.002-07:002013-08-28T07:02:56.620-07:00TWERK MILEY MILEY TWERKKKK.... So we are walking to the store. I am on my phone. The 5 year old is talking and I have mastered this art where I hear what she is saying and respond appropriately without her realizing I am not really paying attention (bad I know but she talks sooooo much there is no way I can keep up and still live my life). Then I noticed she stopped and she has her arms out in front of her as if she holding a baseball bat, her legs in an upside down V and her hips are moving from left to right. O_O WHAT IN THE SAM HELL ARE YOU DOING? "It's a dance mommy, is this dance ok Mommy" In a somewhat shocked "was this my 5 year old that just shook her ass in public like it was cute" voice, Where did u learn that? "Well, Demi did it at the baseball game and all the boys looked at her and the teachers laughed at her. But I knew you would be mad, I just wanted to show you then here is another dance, Beyonce did and she moved her legs like this".. "looking so crazy in love" she sang. I took a deep breathe. I kinda just gave her a weird look and I advised "no this is not ok. Ladies don't do that" "it's not lady like mommy" she asks. "If you won't do it with your daddy, don't do it" "OK I won't do it again". I didn't watch the VMA's. I had the preshow on briefly, ended up muting the TV and eventually going to bed. The next day the internet is going crazy. Miley Cyrus. Miley from Disney. She twerked her pale ass across the stage and right onto whatever his name is, Paula Patton husband, yea him. My girls did not watch it. Glad they didn't but after watching this and thinking about my own child, who knew it was wrong but wanted me to see it so I could correct her I guess, and then thinking about other little girls who do not have the mom to ask, "is this ok" or the little girls whom mom thinks it is cute and encourages it: This is the time to correct it. I have heard many opinions, "the white girl is trying to be black" although I am still confused by what is black about her bent over shaking her cheeks. My perspective is she needs attention. Her parents are going thru a divorce and she has so much money she doesn't know what to do with her self. She is lonely in a big world. Miley's world is crazy right now and what happens when your world is crazy, you can go crazy with it. Miley has turned to the media for the attention to heal pain much like the young girls who turn to sex/men when they want attention from their dad. As a parent, I feel like this is the time to teach our daughters, these people we look at on TV are famous yes but they are no different than you and I and are human. They live, breathe and experience life just as you and I do. Her galloping across a stage in a nude color bikini with her butt hanging and tongue swinging, is a cry for help. A scream for attention. We have to teach our ladies in training that, this route isn't the way to go. This is not how you want to be seen and this is not how you present yourself, not only for the world to see but for your family to see.<br />
<br />
This morning I read an article and I wanted to share with you guys because it really worded this issue perfectly: <a href="http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/08/27/dear-daughter-let-miley-cyrus-be-a-lesson-to-you-the-amazing-open-letter-from-mom-set-to-go-viral/" target="_blank">From Mother To Daughter. </a><br />
<br />I hope all mom's can read and relate and understand that this is something we all can learn/teach from.<br />
<br />
Have a great day.<br />
<br />
B. Nicole <3 I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-11512863909370849322013-07-18T07:33:00.000-07:002013-07-18T07:33:43.611-07:00EVERYONE AINT UR DAMN FRIEND.... In life you will experience many things. In life you will learn many lessons... The most valuable lessons I have learned lately... Be careful who you trust. Be careful who you call a friend and remember no one will have your back like you do.... <br />
<br />
Just think about it... Most of the problems you encountered have been because u trusted the wrong person, gave the wrong person the wrong title or u just didn't put urself first. I am not saying don't trust. Just be careful. I am not saying don't make new friends... Just be careful. and I am not saying to be selfish and put ur self first... Just be careful. Because everyone that is smiling in your face is not smiling to see you smile in return. Everyone is not put in your life to be their forever and everyone isn't here to be the friend to you as you are a friend to them... Life happens. Just be cautious. Don't harbor hate and live to please no one but yourself first....<br />
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B. Nicole <3 I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-31290363224299001722013-07-08T07:30:00.000-07:002013-07-08T07:30:26.343-07:00Just a few words....Ok.. Just a few words that can make an impact depending on where you are in life.. I know there is an understanding that you have no control over who you fall in love with... There is nothing you can do to stop it or prevent... But you can control how you entertain feelings... So I just want to say a few words and leave them to meditate<br />
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"Do not fall in love with the potential... Fall in love with the person...."<br />
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Not everyone lives up to their potential but they will forever be the person they are. Some things may change but that person will still be that person....<br />
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Have a blessed day.<br />
<br />
<3 B<br />
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I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-33363898969308117942013-06-13T11:22:00.003-07:002013-06-13T11:25:20.558-07:00Becoming a Parent...<i>At 16, there was no clear understanding of what it meant to be a parent. I knew I was pregnant. I knew a baby was coming. I knew the baby would belong to me. I knew that I would be responsible for her. Strangely enough I don't think I became a parent until later. I mean yes, I woke up with her during her infant stage, fed her, changed her, clothed her. I protected her. I provided for her. I loved her because well.... that's what your supposed to do. Love your child. But it wasn't until later that I understood what parenting meant. Parenting was really 24/7. I mean even when this kid was away from me, I still had to do a million things because she was coming back. Unfortunately my kid(s), which I did not find out until later, does not come with a return policy. No exchanges. No refunds. No cash (or time) back. She was mine to keep.... Well this week, 10 years later, I had a like DUHHH moment. On Tuesday, Bri had a very important field trip she had to attend. Not only did she have to attend but she had to have a chaperon (she is the bad kid sometimes... it's a phase I hope) Two weeks ago, we called her dad. He said two weeks ago he would be there. He said two weeks ago he wouldn't miss it. She was too excited. My daddy is going on a trip with me. Well Monday, he texts "I wont make it tomorrow don't be mad" U see I expected it but she didn't... She texted him all Monday night; woke up Tuesday morning first thing she said was "did he call" Half awake I reply, "no response... and he isn't answering the phone" She walked away, I felt her disappointment and she doesn't know but I heard her crying. I didn't tell her but I was spazzing in my head. He was everything but the child of God in my mind. I wouldn't let her here me say it; I could never disrespect her dad to her. She is half of him. Disrespecting him is disrespecting her.... It 7:15a... bus leaves at 9am. No Chaperon. No trip for her. I start making calls. See I would have called out and took the trip with her but my boss sent me specific instructions DON'T CALL OUT TUESDAY... I'm thinking who could possibly go with her and my last call, a close friend told me he could make it. AFTER falling to my knees to thank God for surrounding me with such great people. I rush her to school. On the way I tell her, Uncle J is going. Her attitude changes. Sign the permission slip she reminds me... I rush her off to school. She makes her trip... I make it to work. Uncle J saves the day.... Today, her sister graduates from Kindergarten and there is a photo of her dad and I and it was like DUHHHHHH this is what parenting about. See looking at the photo and the smiles you wouldn't know the details of our relationship. You would not know we don't get along. We argue at least twice a day and that man works my nerves and can bring out a side of me that you do not want to see. But I had a moment Tuesday and today, where I sat back and just took in the moment. I saw disappointment and happiness in my children. Tuesday, I could have reacted, I could have shown Bri I was upset and angry but would that have changed anything? It wouldn't make her dad appear. It wouldn't get her on that trip. I tried my best to find a solution and by the grace of God, it worked out. Today, although we do not get along a lot of the time, the smile my 5 year old had when her daddy lifted her up to take a picture with her parents. The excitement she had knowing "my daddy is coming to my graduation and Mommy u are coming to right" showed me this is what parenting is about. I could have said "well, I am not coming ur dad will be there and I don't like his a$$ blah blah blah..." but the bigger picture is... it's not about him nor I nor our failed relationship. It's not about anything else but the growth of these children and being better for them. If I do nothing else in life, I pray I continue to do right by the lives I have created. The lives I will impact most. The lives of my children. I could have success and money and anything else ppl may wish for but if I fail my children; fail as a parent, I have failed my purpose of being on this earth. Today, I am proud to be a parent.... 10 years in the making.... </i><br>
<a name="more"></a><br><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPeP91lEBCEy6gOys4V_SClMljPfqPBNPQw2-35ndGkZbHn2r4IgJ3MB1lhw9LFPZq_eQbh7TjKcak5vR6BkwOq1KZDVoRdaKaTS5u4AlA9UOT1uJOxkuAD4BRfGgbgP5mQ1klaETiAvs/s640/blogger-image-956513741.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPeP91lEBCEy6gOys4V_SClMljPfqPBNPQw2-35ndGkZbHn2r4IgJ3MB1lhw9LFPZq_eQbh7TjKcak5vR6BkwOq1KZDVoRdaKaTS5u4AlA9UOT1uJOxkuAD4BRfGgbgP5mQ1klaETiAvs/s640/blogger-image-956513741.jpg"></a></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2uXax9iiIh8em_pGRHeRcYoNBpddv7EWOu33ClZERrZqmFD30FyNA9mZvnzyQPe0cQii5w6776ccuV4GK-A_4mjr82UCUzqAyoZj7W44D3CxRKcvHL5qmShD1KExAiFOT8RUObUadks/s640/blogger-image-1544660832.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2uXax9iiIh8em_pGRHeRcYoNBpddv7EWOu33ClZERrZqmFD30FyNA9mZvnzyQPe0cQii5w6776ccuV4GK-A_4mjr82UCUzqAyoZj7W44D3CxRKcvHL5qmShD1KExAiFOT8RUObUadks/s640/blogger-image-1544660832.jpg"></a></div>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-63283131458128292092013-06-05T10:49:00.003-07:002013-06-05T16:42:31.920-07:00Being a Father ....As Father Day approaches I just wanted to share my perspective as a single mother and what it means to me to be a father (for the sake of this blog we will pretend being a daddy and a father is the same thing)... I am not a man. I cannot tell you what it feels like to be a father. I do not know what it feels like to be a father. But as a daughter, I can explain what it means to me to be a father. I was born in 1986. My mother met my father 6 months after I was born. We do not share blood but to him that did not matter. To him I was his. I was created for him to love. As I grew, they went there separate ways. In my life, I only remember seeing my father cry one time. I was maybe 9 or 10. He moved with my grandmother after their divorce. He called me into his room. I remember he kept his back to me and he stared out the window as he explained he would not be able to see me anymore. Somethings had happened and mommy had decided he could no longer be apart of my life. I remember him turning to me and saying "just remember I love you more than anything you will always be my boo..." After that day, I remember sitting in the window as he picked up my brothers. Sad I couldn't go Sundays at 6, I would cry to myself. I would sneak on the phone to call him we would talk for hours. All about nothing but he would sit and listen to me talk and go on and on about nothing. Holidays were different. I did not have the excitement to run and tell my daddy what I wanted. I would have to sneak on the phone to call him and tell him. He would make deliveries to my school after we returned from Christmas break... until mom found out. She would take my gifts break them or simply throw them away. As I grew older, I rebelled. I was living in Upper Marlboro but I had to get back to SE. I had to see my daddy. I would catch the school bus, get to school and call a cab. Alabama Ave please. $70 one way. My daddy would fuss "she is back again. girl u need to be in school" I just wanted to see him and spend time with him. I didn't make it an every day thing tho. School would call my mom. We would argue. I'm almost her size now, I'm grown she cant tell me what to do. Life happened. I removed from my mothers home. Placed in Foster Care. I told my foster mother, I just want my daddy. and she made it happen. I would visit with my dad and then go back to the home. Go to bed and back to my dad. Only for a few hours. But it was better than nothing. He would buy me clothes and things I needed. My mom couldn't take them away. By 10th grade I was returned back to my mom. I convinced her to switch my school. My attention had changed from my daddy to my boyfriend. I couldn't be with my daddy but I could be with my boyfriend. I started getting into more and more trouble. Skipping school and running the streets with him. Talked to my daddy less. Saw him less. I still called when I could tho. I told him about my boyfriend. He laughed it off. I wasn't having sex at the time so as long as I wasn't having sex, the boyfriend was alright with him. Well that changed in April 2002. I had sex. Didn't tell dad tho. Didn't tell anyone. I got arrested shortly after. Put out of school after that. That August I found out I was pregnant. That was not something I wanted to tell Daddy. My mom called me every whore in the book and then she asked me "is your father, the father of that baby" I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. My boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend any more... I couldn't see my daddy. I didn't have my mom. I just had my baby. Right before school started, my dad came to pick up my brothers. Usual Sunday @ 6. I went out side. It was time to tell him. I stood on his girlfriends side of the car. A full hobo sweat suit 80 degrees outside. I yell thru the window "Daddy Im pregnant" He didn't believe me. Just said u lying. Ur lying. I lifted up my hoodie and the belly was there. His first statement "u know u fucked ur life up" I couldn't say anything. I just went back into my house. I eventually moved out of my mom's house again. Moved with my grandmother. I visited with my dad more often. We would go on dates. Dinner and movies. Shopping for the baby. My daughter was born he was the first one to visit. He told me "this will be hard but you can do it. I will always love you no matter what" My daughter grew and eventually I moved with him. I started working two jobs to provide for us. I remember getting paid and my check was $600 and I was so excited to show him. He looked at my check and said thats what u made in two weeks.... O_o... with pride I said YES. He pulled a check out of his pocket and said "this is what I made today" I immediately quit my job and returned to high school. I graduated a year late but he pushed me thru summer school and my last semester and high school. I started working again. Now that I was older, and living with him there was never a moment where I needed him and he wasn't there. Even if he didn't want to be. He is an amazing daddy, he gets on my nerves at times but he never discouraged me, never belittled me. Never made me feel less than what I was. He is an amazing grandfather or "dad dad" as my son calls him to my now 3 children. He taught me what it means to be a father and I am so blessed that he chose me. <br>
<br>
My daddy was the first man to love me unconditionally. He taught me how to deal with disappointment, how to handle spiteful ppl and what it means to be a father and love unconditionally. I not once heard him complain about the child support he had to pay. He always made a way. No complaints about time he couldn't spend, he just made it happen best he could. I'm sure there were times he rather not been with his children, but we never knew it. Despite the circumstances, he made sure we knew just how much he loved us not just with his words but with his actions. We were his main priority. Being a father is more than buying the latest clothes, keeping up with the latest shoes. To be a father means to be there even when u don't want to be, to teach lessons and instill values. To create a path for your children to follow and to ensure their future is brighter than they may realize. A father is the first man their daughter's will love and the man their son's aim to be like. A man makes a difference simply just by being a father. <br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-z3_pqFm8YfqYCAt_DuEeoOdsCFml5awK2H0ql4DafgxdH2G5ZSngWdBthX_bOVKyhqSfZbacFIe2CcKJxXvMgkZWGIc4MT2QxF1c5lXv8BP9ns4J4f3rSEFd05OV1BZMWBb19IgRAh4/s640/blogger-image--175412527.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-z3_pqFm8YfqYCAt_DuEeoOdsCFml5awK2H0ql4DafgxdH2G5ZSngWdBthX_bOVKyhqSfZbacFIe2CcKJxXvMgkZWGIc4MT2QxF1c5lXv8BP9ns4J4f3rSEFd05OV1BZMWBb19IgRAh4/s640/blogger-image--175412527.jpg"></a></div>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-43470693857787789682013-04-11T10:03:00.000-07:002013-06-05T16:46:09.904-07:00I'm still here...<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Originally written: 04.2013</div>IIt has been a while... Not that I don't have much to say... I always have a million things to write about.... Have you ever found yourself in a situation where u do not know what to do? Your heart tells you one thing... Mind tells you the opposite. Prayers seem unanswered ... Emotions all over the place. Just because u feel something you do not have to entertain the feelings, right?? If something is so wrong, why does it feel right, right? Maybe God is trying to teach you something... but then the question becomes what? God what are you showing me because I am ready to take my lesson and move forward... Life is harder without guidance. God is your guidance... But what do you do when you feel like God has abandoned you? Is he saying wait... He didn't leave ... Trying to teach you patience. Life is confusing enough without added stress...until next time.... I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-54051589646155825152013-04-01T09:06:00.001-07:002013-04-01T09:06:24.567-07:00My Stage<div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix">
<span><div>
<br />
In a room
surrounded by so many who love n support me thru everything...However,
there are whispers as I walk by n all I can do is keep moving. Head up
smile bright. No shame. Headed for the stage. When I get there idk what
to do, won't know what to say but I just know that's where I'm headed.
So the whispers won't stop me, the looks slow me n I stop...briefly...
to see who's looking but I still push thru the thick crowd. A fight
breaks out slows my path, I pause again. Gain my composure take a few
more steps. They ask a million questions, "why does she walk like that,
talk like that, she coulda walked the other way" Along the way someone
grabs me we talk for a bit..he walks with me for a little while...He follows my lead but he should be leading me... he's cute nice but fake as the rest. No loyalty like so many others... Thought
he knew me thought he loved me, no different... I slowly
back away... He grabs me pulls me closer... I rip myself from his grasps... Regain my composure take a few more steps. Headed to the
stage...I have to get there.. I don't know what I'm gonna say when I get there, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just know I have to get there n I will get there
soon. A few drinks spill on me, maybe some were thrown. Slows me down
but I keep going... It's getting closer, the crowd is thick. I continue
to push my way thru. Not easy but I do it. Security asks "are you ready"
they were waiting for me. See I knew on this stage is where I should
be. Idk what I'm doing. Idk what I'm gonna say. But I'm finally here at
this stage n I smile. N take my position.... Front and Center....<br />
<br />
<br />
** The room I stand n is actually not a room. The room is my daily
surroundings. I'm surronded by spectators, many who pass judgement.
Those who attempt to slow me on my path to the stage (path thru life)
but just note how some things may slow me down but regardless I will get
to where I'm going. All goals will be met...Regardless. My stage is my destiny, a place only
for me designed by God... Only God can Judge me so who the fuck are you?
Its love. Its life. Its mine. ♥ **<br />
<br />
Originally written in 2009... </div>
</span></div>
I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-16395376650967634702013-01-29T07:45:00.001-08:002013-06-15T06:44:54.843-07:00I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div>What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...<div>But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall</div><div>lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come</div><div>from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">But just make sure God created this man for u. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.</span></div><div><br></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve. <div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8XuytbKf6NsEEH7_Mi4MoC2fhuQ9k0Pe5LhBRzE4corFO20SVkXp6orCj4Uj6Ya6GZ_kERMlp9Y-XxDtyMecQYkaVOwxc7uDVjqlHbFUysHBgaXDCLHD-IjKhCC4XpRUJUvYIC3TZSc/s640/blogger-image--583686256.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8XuytbKf6NsEEH7_Mi4MoC2fhuQ9k0Pe5LhBRzE4corFO20SVkXp6orCj4Uj6Ya6GZ_kERMlp9Y-XxDtyMecQYkaVOwxc7uDVjqlHbFUysHBgaXDCLHD-IjKhCC4XpRUJUvYIC3TZSc/s640/blogger-image--583686256.jpg"></a></div></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><br></span></div><div><br></div>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-61870823293013276402013-01-22T13:39:00.001-08:002013-01-22T13:39:49.539-08:00My Family...I used to think a family portrait was incomplete without him. I used to think pictures that didn't include him were ugly.... Dumb... stupid...I used to hate pictures without him in it. It was more than the picture for me. It was the image. Being a young mother of children by two different men. The babymother that I didn't want to be. Two or three mother days ago my aunt gave me a photo. I didn't remember taking it ... It was in a frame. A frame that had the word family across the top... Down the side... All over ... FAMILY. The picture was pre Ju.... Just Me, Jai n Bri ... (Oh n Kayla Bri's pet turtle at the time that Jai later murdered by squeezing it out of its shell) it was my family. I looked at it n tears stress down my face. I was looking at reality via a picture. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow but what I didn't see in that picture... I didn't see unhappy children ... I saw these two beautiful brown (it was the summer they tan so well) babies with these big beautiful smiles with their mother who **gasps** was smiling too!!! That moment .... I knew we would b jus fine. We would b ok. We were a family. A complete family.... It was not the family I planned... Nor the family I dreamed. It's better .... Last night as I braided the 5 year old's hair I had a moment of contentment. The oldest cut up strawberries n handed them to her siblings ... They ate quietly as I braided. We are a unit .... N they are mine. I love the family I created. Now don't get my wrong I would love to have a husband but right now, I am ok with where we stand. God leads us n we are in a great position despite our struggles. We don't always get along (that almost 10 year old has hormones JESUS!!!) but we will get thru because well... That's just what families do. We are all we have... <3 B.Nicole <br />
<br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheXVsQxfdbGTf5BWZNucUqLL3FTRrIIRFALhTWjtWJoXUL3PkgDUvEegqAtcuysnFdn119z0ok7-TP1DQaqeMERw9FPO1K7nFoCva_fvfW3pmL8O6lrIRY_VP71Bvg0dDPvKlC-D6Wu4k/s640/blogger-image--539861915.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheXVsQxfdbGTf5BWZNucUqLL3FTRrIIRFALhTWjtWJoXUL3PkgDUvEegqAtcuysnFdn119z0ok7-TP1DQaqeMERw9FPO1K7nFoCva_fvfW3pmL8O6lrIRY_VP71Bvg0dDPvKlC-D6Wu4k/s640/blogger-image--539861915.jpg" /></a></div>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-30498663829091172672013-01-09T17:31:00.001-08:002013-01-11T06:44:29.901-08:00Oh those are feelings... Well this is just dumb...Can u stop ur self from thinking of someone? Can you stop yourself from feeling something? Can u control who you are attracted too?? These questions run thru my mind. Ur answer should be Yes! Yes u can control yourself n ur thoughts n ur emotions... So what do u do when u find Urself in a situation u knew u shouldn't be. When u find Urself caring for someone who should just be ur friend. Make the attraction go away😫😫😫. U kno they say life happens... But certain things n life u can avoid. He was something I knew I should have avoided. Everyone told me not to... But I do what I want to do... If I feel like it's right I'm gonna do what I want. Every girl has been n this position before. Ur friends telling u no but ur not listening. He was beautiful to me. Unlike anything I had ever seen. It wasn't his physical appearance. It was his heart. I listened to his life stories n we had traveled similar paths. I enjoyed hearing him talk. One of my favorite memories was of us talking until the sun came up about things that mattered to him and being able to listen to his thoughts ... He intrigued me. I admired him for the man he was. Looked forward to texts from him. Looked forward to Saturday nights with him when I could find the time of course.. just looked forward to him. He held my hand in public ... I mean people were around to see n he held my hand! He opened doors for me. Walked beside me n not two steps ahead of me. He even hugged me on the public street!! He laughed with me... I could be me with him. I didn't have to wear my hair down if I didn't want. I could be my Tom boyish girlie self n he was ok with that!!! 😳 **gasps** Something about him woke something up n me. He pushed me to change n to this day, I don't think he knows it. I did a lot of things differently because of him. He raised the bar. Despite what my friends said... He was my boo on the low. Unfortunately, situations did not allow us to become anything we were just having fun ... At least he was. For me it wasn't fun anymore. I liked him **gasps** the person who never likes anyone.Well like they say its all fun n games until someone catches feelings... Lol... I liked him. I shouldn't have but I did n I hated every minute. It was so bittersweet. I had to say goodbye to someone I allowed "In". He said he wanted us to remain friends but I couldn't b his friend. I just couldn't because well I liked him n u don't like ur friends like I liked him. I mean that's what we were. Friends. Y can't he b my friend now because I couldn't control my emotions ... I couldn't stop the attraction... because I couldn't control my thoughts we can't be friends?!? When I saw him I saw a friend yes. But I also saw someone I was interested in. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I just wanted the opportunity to learn him. But I knew better. I knew it would not happen... So the question stood be his friend or lose him completely. I battled myself. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I hadn't contacted him n a week. Still thought about him everyday. Still smile when certain songs play on the radio. I still envision his laugh n his smile.. Well... This is just dumb. I have to turn whatever it was off. I don't want to feel this... He was my drug. I was high off him. These emotions take them away. I like me better when I like no one. Don't come around n change things for me. My world was content before him. This is just dumb... So what did I do?! I'm not his damn friend. I pray for him n keep high hopes that he is happy in his life. N I try to move on. He won't b the last guy... But he surely set the standard for the next guy... <br />
The lesson I learned from this... Sometimes it's ok to listen to ur friends. At this stage n life they may have experienced things u have not... May know things u don't or even see things u cannot. They are your friends for a reason .... Trust them enough to assist u in decision making.... I'm too stubborn for my own good 😁I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7444896113638993303.post-54120907376651574082013-01-07T08:29:00.000-08:002013-01-07T08:29:55.032-08:00Do NOT let evil win... <i>Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... </i><br />
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<i><3 B. Nicole </i>I am Her.http://www.blogger.com/profile/10254942731107636097noreply@blogger.com2