Being a Father ....

As Father Day approaches I just wanted to share my perspective as a single mother and what it means to me to be a father (for the sake of this blog we will pretend being a daddy and a father is the same thing)... I am not a man. I cannot tell you what it feels like to be a father. I do not know what it feels like to be a father. But as a daughter, I can explain what it means to me to be a father. I was born in 1986. My mother met my father 6 months after I was born. We do not share blood but to him that did not matter. To him I was his. I was created for him to love. As I grew, they went there separate ways. In my life, I only remember seeing my father cry one time. I was maybe 9 or 10. He moved with my grandmother after their divorce. He called me into his room. I remember he kept his back to me and he stared out the window as he explained he would not be able to see me anymore. Somethings had happened and mommy had decided he could no longer be apart of my life. I remember him turning to me and saying "just remember I love you more than anything you will always be my boo..." After that day, I remember sitting in the window as he picked up my brothers. Sad I couldn't go Sundays at 6, I would cry to myself. I would sneak on the phone to call him we would talk for hours. All about nothing but he would sit and listen to me talk and go on and on about nothing. Holidays were different. I did not have the excitement to run and tell my daddy what I wanted. I would have to sneak on the phone to call him and tell him. He would make deliveries to my school after we returned from Christmas break... until mom found out. She would take my gifts break them or simply throw them away. As I grew older, I rebelled. I was living in Upper Marlboro but I had to get back to SE. I had to see my daddy. I would catch the school bus, get to school and call a cab. Alabama Ave please. $70 one way. My daddy would fuss "she is back again. girl u need to be in school" I just wanted to see him and spend time with him. I didn't make it an every day thing tho. School would call my mom. We would argue. I'm almost her size now, I'm grown she cant tell me what to do. Life happened. I removed from my mothers home. Placed in Foster Care. I told my foster mother, I just want my daddy. and she made it happen. I would visit with my dad and then go back to the home. Go to bed and back to my dad. Only for a few hours. But it was better than nothing. He would buy me clothes and things I needed. My mom couldn't take them away. By 10th grade I was returned back to my mom. I convinced her to switch my school. My attention had changed from my daddy to my boyfriend. I couldn't be with my daddy but I could be with my boyfriend. I started getting into more and more trouble. Skipping school and running the streets with him. Talked to my daddy less. Saw him less. I still called when I could tho. I told him about my boyfriend. He laughed it off. I wasn't having sex at the time so as long as I wasn't having sex, the boyfriend was alright with him. Well that changed in April 2002. I had sex. Didn't tell dad tho. Didn't tell anyone. I got arrested shortly after. Put out of school after that. That August I found out I was pregnant. That was not something I wanted to tell Daddy. My mom called me every whore in the book and then she asked me "is your father, the father of that baby" I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. My boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend any more... I couldn't see my daddy. I didn't have my mom. I just had my baby. Right before school started, my dad came to pick up my brothers. Usual Sunday @ 6. I went out side. It was time to tell him. I stood on his girlfriends side of the car. A full hobo sweat suit 80 degrees outside. I yell thru the window "Daddy Im pregnant" He didn't believe me. Just said u lying. Ur lying. I lifted up my hoodie and the belly was there. His first statement "u know u fucked ur life up" I couldn't say anything. I just went back into my house. I eventually moved out of my mom's house again. Moved with my grandmother. I visited with my dad more often. We would go on dates. Dinner and movies. Shopping for the baby. My daughter was born he was the first one to visit. He told me "this will be hard but you can do it. I will always love you no matter what" My daughter grew and eventually I moved with him. I started working two jobs to provide for us. I remember getting paid and my check was $600 and I was so excited to show him. He looked at my check and said thats what u made in two weeks.... O_o... with pride I said YES. He pulled a check out of his pocket and said "this is what I made today" I immediately quit my job and returned to high school. I graduated a year late but he pushed me thru summer school and my last semester and high school. I started working again. Now that I was older, and living with him there was never a moment where I needed him and he wasn't there. Even if he didn't want to be. He is an amazing daddy, he gets on my nerves at times but he never discouraged me, never belittled me. Never made me feel less than what I was. He is an amazing grandfather or "dad dad" as my son calls him to my now 3 children. He taught me what it means to be a father and I am so blessed that he chose me. 

My daddy was the first man to love me unconditionally. He taught me how to deal with disappointment, how to handle spiteful ppl and what it means to be a father and love unconditionally. I not once heard him complain about the child support he had to pay. He always made a way. No complaints about time he couldn't spend, he just made it happen best he could. I'm sure there were times he rather not been with his children, but we never knew it. Despite the circumstances, he made sure we knew just how much he loved us not just with his words but with his actions. We were his main priority. Being a father is more than buying the latest clothes, keeping up with the latest shoes. To be a father means to be there even when u don't want to be, to teach lessons and instill values. To create a path for your children to follow and to ensure their future is brighter than they may realize. A father is the first man their daughter's will love and the man their son's aim to be like. A man makes a difference simply just by being a father. 

I'm still here...

Originally written: 04.2013

IIt has been a while... Not that I don't have  much to say... I always have a million things to write about.... Have you ever found yourself in a situation where u do not know what to do? Your heart tells you one thing... Mind tells you the opposite. Prayers seem unanswered ... Emotions all over the place. Just because u feel something you do not have to entertain the feelings, right?? If something is so wrong, why does it feel right, right? Maybe God is trying to teach you something... but then the question becomes what? God what are you showing me because I am ready to take my lesson and move forward... Life is harder without guidance. God is your guidance... But what do you do when you feel like God has abandoned you? Is he saying wait... He didn't leave ... Trying to teach you patience. Life is confusing enough without added stress...until next time....  

My Stage

In a room surrounded by so many who love n support me thru everything...However, there are whispers as I walk by n all I can do is keep moving. Head up smile bright. No shame. Headed for the stage. When I get there idk what to do, won't know what to say but I just know that's where I'm headed. So the whispers won't stop me, the looks slow me n I stop...briefly... to see who's looking but I still push thru the thick crowd. A fight breaks out slows my path, I pause again. Gain my composure take a few more steps. They ask a million questions, "why does she walk like that, talk like that, she coulda walked the other way" Along the way someone grabs me we talk for a bit..he walks with me for a little while...He follows my lead but he should be leading me... he's cute nice but fake as the rest. No loyalty like so many others...  Thought he knew me thought he loved me, no different... I slowly back away... He grabs me pulls me closer... I rip myself from his grasps... Regain my composure take a few more steps. Headed to the stage...I have to get there.. I don't know what I'm gonna say when I get there, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just know I have to get there n I will get there soon. A few drinks spill on me, maybe some were thrown. Slows me down but I keep going... It's getting closer, the crowd is thick. I continue to push my way thru. Not easy but I do it. Security asks "are you ready" they were waiting for me. See I knew on this stage is where I should be. Idk what I'm doing. Idk what I'm gonna say. But I'm finally here at this stage n I smile. N take my position.... Front and Center....


** The room I stand n is actually not a room. The room is my daily surroundings. I'm surronded by spectators, many who pass judgement. Those who attempt to slow me on my path to the stage (path thru life) but just note how some things may slow me down but regardless I will get to where I'm going. All goals will be met...Regardless. My stage is my destiny, a place only for me designed by God... Only God can Judge me so who the fuck are you? Its love. Its life. Its mine. ♥ **

Originally written in 2009...

I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA

What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...

But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall

lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come

from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.

But just make sure God created this man for u. 

Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.

Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half

our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.

I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve. 

My Family...

I used to think a family portrait was incomplete without him. I used to think pictures that didn't include him were ugly.... Dumb... stupid...I used to hate pictures without him in it. It was more than the picture for me. It was the image. Being a young mother of children by two different men. The babymother that I didn't want to be. Two or three mother days ago my aunt gave me a photo. I didn't remember taking it ... It was in a frame. A frame that had the word family across the top... Down the side... All over ... FAMILY. The picture was pre Ju.... Just Me, Jai n Bri ... (Oh n Kayla Bri's pet turtle at the time that Jai later murdered by squeezing it out of its shell) it was my family. I looked at it n tears stress down my face. I was looking at reality via a picture. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow but what I didn't see in that picture... I didn't see unhappy children ... I saw these two beautiful brown (it was the summer they tan so well) babies with these big beautiful smiles with their mother who **gasps** was smiling too!!! That moment .... I knew we would b jus fine. We would b ok. We were a family. A complete family.... It was not the family I planned... Nor the family I dreamed. It's better .... Last night as I braided the 5 year old's hair I had a moment of contentment. The oldest cut up strawberries n handed them to her siblings ... They ate quietly as I braided. We are a unit .... N they are mine. I love the family I created. Now don't get my wrong I would love to have a husband but right now, I am ok with where we stand. God leads us n we are in a great position despite our struggles. We don't always get along (that almost 10 year old has hormones JESUS!!!) but we will get thru because well... That's just what families do. We are all we have... <3 B.Nicole

Oh those are feelings... Well this is just dumb...

Can u stop ur self from thinking of someone? Can you stop yourself from feeling something? Can u control who you are attracted too?? These questions run thru my mind. Ur answer should be Yes! Yes u can control yourself n ur thoughts n ur emotions... So what do u do when u find Urself in a situation u knew u shouldn't be. When u find Urself caring for someone who should just be ur friend. Make the attraction go away😫😫😫. U kno they say life happens... But certain things n life u can avoid. He was something I knew I should have avoided. Everyone told me not to... But I do what I want to do... If I feel like it's right I'm gonna do what I want. Every girl has been n this position before. Ur friends telling u no but ur not listening. He was beautiful to me. Unlike anything I had ever seen. It wasn't his physical appearance. It was his heart. I listened to his life stories n we had traveled similar paths. I enjoyed hearing him talk. One of my favorite memories was of us talking until the sun came up about things that mattered to him and being able to listen to his thoughts ... He intrigued me. I admired him for the man he was. Looked forward to texts from him. Looked forward to Saturday nights with him when I could find the time of course.. just looked forward to him. He held my hand in public ... I mean people were around to see n he held my hand! He opened doors for me. Walked beside me n not two steps ahead of me. He even hugged me on the public street!! He laughed with me... I could be me with him. I didn't have to wear my hair down if I didn't want. I could be my Tom boyish girlie self n he was ok with that!!! 😳 **gasps** Something about him woke something up n me. He pushed me to change n to this day, I don't think he knows it. I did a lot of things differently because of him. He raised the bar. Despite what my friends said... He was my boo on the low. Unfortunately, situations did not allow us to become anything we were just having fun ... At least he was. For me it wasn't fun anymore. I liked him **gasps** the person who never likes anyone.Well like they say its all fun n games until someone catches feelings... Lol... I liked him. I shouldn't have but I did n I hated every minute. It was so bittersweet. I had to say goodbye to someone I allowed "In". He said he wanted us to remain friends but I couldn't b his friend. I just couldn't because well I liked him n u don't like ur friends like I liked him. I mean that's what we were. Friends. Y can't he b my friend now because I couldn't control my emotions ... I couldn't stop the attraction... because I couldn't control my thoughts we can't be friends?!? When I saw him I saw a friend yes. But I also saw someone I was interested in. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I just wanted the opportunity to learn him. But I knew better. I knew it would not happen... So the question stood be his friend or lose him completely. I battled myself. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I hadn't contacted him n a week. Still thought about him everyday. Still smile when certain songs play on the radio. I still envision his laugh n his smile.. Well... This is just dumb. I have to turn whatever it was off. I don't want to feel this... He was my drug. I was high off him. These emotions take them away. I like me better when I like no one. Don't come around n change things for me. My world was content before him. This is just dumb... So what did I do?! I'm not his damn friend. I pray for him n keep high hopes that he is happy in his life. N I try to move on. He won't b the last guy... But he surely set the standard for the next guy...
The lesson I learned from this... Sometimes it's ok to listen to ur friends. At this stage n life they may have experienced things u have not... May know things u don't or even see things u cannot. They are your friends for a reason .... Trust them enough to assist u in decision making.... I'm too stubborn for my own good 😁

Do NOT let evil win...

Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of  and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and  are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... 

<3 B. Nicole