I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA

What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...

But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall

lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come

from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.

But just make sure God created this man for u. 

Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.

Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half

our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.

I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve. 

My Family...

I used to think a family portrait was incomplete without him. I used to think pictures that didn't include him were ugly.... Dumb... stupid...I used to hate pictures without him in it. It was more than the picture for me. It was the image. Being a young mother of children by two different men. The babymother that I didn't want to be. Two or three mother days ago my aunt gave me a photo. I didn't remember taking it ... It was in a frame. A frame that had the word family across the top... Down the side... All over ... FAMILY. The picture was pre Ju.... Just Me, Jai n Bri ... (Oh n Kayla Bri's pet turtle at the time that Jai later murdered by squeezing it out of its shell) it was my family. I looked at it n tears stress down my face. I was looking at reality via a picture. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow but what I didn't see in that picture... I didn't see unhappy children ... I saw these two beautiful brown (it was the summer they tan so well) babies with these big beautiful smiles with their mother who **gasps** was smiling too!!! That moment .... I knew we would b jus fine. We would b ok. We were a family. A complete family.... It was not the family I planned... Nor the family I dreamed. It's better .... Last night as I braided the 5 year old's hair I had a moment of contentment. The oldest cut up strawberries n handed them to her siblings ... They ate quietly as I braided. We are a unit .... N they are mine. I love the family I created. Now don't get my wrong I would love to have a husband but right now, I am ok with where we stand. God leads us n we are in a great position despite our struggles. We don't always get along (that almost 10 year old has hormones JESUS!!!) but we will get thru because well... That's just what families do. We are all we have... <3 B.Nicole

Oh those are feelings... Well this is just dumb...

Can u stop ur self from thinking of someone? Can you stop yourself from feeling something? Can u control who you are attracted too?? These questions run thru my mind. Ur answer should be Yes! Yes u can control yourself n ur thoughts n ur emotions... So what do u do when u find Urself in a situation u knew u shouldn't be. When u find Urself caring for someone who should just be ur friend. Make the attraction go away😫😫😫. U kno they say life happens... But certain things n life u can avoid. He was something I knew I should have avoided. Everyone told me not to... But I do what I want to do... If I feel like it's right I'm gonna do what I want. Every girl has been n this position before. Ur friends telling u no but ur not listening. He was beautiful to me. Unlike anything I had ever seen. It wasn't his physical appearance. It was his heart. I listened to his life stories n we had traveled similar paths. I enjoyed hearing him talk. One of my favorite memories was of us talking until the sun came up about things that mattered to him and being able to listen to his thoughts ... He intrigued me. I admired him for the man he was. Looked forward to texts from him. Looked forward to Saturday nights with him when I could find the time of course.. just looked forward to him. He held my hand in public ... I mean people were around to see n he held my hand! He opened doors for me. Walked beside me n not two steps ahead of me. He even hugged me on the public street!! He laughed with me... I could be me with him. I didn't have to wear my hair down if I didn't want. I could be my Tom boyish girlie self n he was ok with that!!! 😳 **gasps** Something about him woke something up n me. He pushed me to change n to this day, I don't think he knows it. I did a lot of things differently because of him. He raised the bar. Despite what my friends said... He was my boo on the low. Unfortunately, situations did not allow us to become anything we were just having fun ... At least he was. For me it wasn't fun anymore. I liked him **gasps** the person who never likes anyone.Well like they say its all fun n games until someone catches feelings... Lol... I liked him. I shouldn't have but I did n I hated every minute. It was so bittersweet. I had to say goodbye to someone I allowed "In". He said he wanted us to remain friends but I couldn't b his friend. I just couldn't because well I liked him n u don't like ur friends like I liked him. I mean that's what we were. Friends. Y can't he b my friend now because I couldn't control my emotions ... I couldn't stop the attraction... because I couldn't control my thoughts we can't be friends?!? When I saw him I saw a friend yes. But I also saw someone I was interested in. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I just wanted the opportunity to learn him. But I knew better. I knew it would not happen... So the question stood be his friend or lose him completely. I battled myself. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I hadn't contacted him n a week. Still thought about him everyday. Still smile when certain songs play on the radio. I still envision his laugh n his smile.. Well... This is just dumb. I have to turn whatever it was off. I don't want to feel this... He was my drug. I was high off him. These emotions take them away. I like me better when I like no one. Don't come around n change things for me. My world was content before him. This is just dumb... So what did I do?! I'm not his damn friend. I pray for him n keep high hopes that he is happy in his life. N I try to move on. He won't b the last guy... But he surely set the standard for the next guy...
The lesson I learned from this... Sometimes it's ok to listen to ur friends. At this stage n life they may have experienced things u have not... May know things u don't or even see things u cannot. They are your friends for a reason .... Trust them enough to assist u in decision making.... I'm too stubborn for my own good 😁

Do NOT let evil win...

Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of  and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and  are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... 

<3 B. Nicole

But God...

Lately, I have been working on improving my relationship with God... I was not exactly raised in the church... I actually hated going to church... All these people... crying... jumping...screaming and hollering... and it always made us late for football... You see I was confused... I did not understand because my mother would take us to church on Sunday, by Tuesday, she was yelling about whatever..by Friday I was convinced she hated being our mom.. But Sunday comes, put on ur best clothes and ur best smiles and well.. fake it til you make it. She would even hug us ... She was the Mega beast but at Church she became a whole new person. She did not yell, she did not curse, she did not scream. If we got out of line she would pinch but that's as worst as it got... So I resented the church. Y come here and be fake?! God don't care none about me... If he did... the person I share DNA with would be alive.. and the other one... she would be way less evil... I would never hurt if God was real because they said he was great and he never caused pain u know. Y would God allow a 15 year old girl to get pregnant... Y would God allow me to go to jail? Y would I lose the people closest to me? Y would God allow all that he allowed? I questioned everything about God. He is not real.... Until 2003 when my life was spared. I was involved in a serious accident. Worst part about it was THEY HAD TO CUT MY MACY'S PANTY AND BRA SET OFF!! How dare those paramedics!!! But no really, the worst part about the accident was my father... I hurt him. I felt so bad about that accident... I was stuck in a car upside down on 295. Daddy did not have on his seatbelt. Every flip, he flipped. Amazingly, he only had a gash on his head. I still cry inside when I think about it. He is ok but it is still my fault. That rainy day, on the way to Timbuktu, I was preparing my baby to go to eat with my daddy for lunch. My grandmother adamant about her not going.... "leave the baby here" she begged, "its raining"... I did not know I would soon be flipping down 295 ... Thank God for stepping in because the window the EMT pulled me out of... would have been where her carseat was... the vehicle was done... But I had my life... my dad had his life. My daughter had her life. That day I could not do anything but Thank God.... It could have been worst. I could have been dead. From that point on, I made an effort to communicate with God. Just to say thank you but that was it.. nothing more. Until maybe in July/August, I suddenly needed more. I felt lost like I had no place. No purpose. Things weren't exactly horrible but they could have been better. I felt sad when I reflected on my life I saw no real accomplishments. I mean I am in school but it felt like I was becoming stagnant. I had 3 beautiful children but I was not married. I felt completely lost. My friend said, come back to church, you do not have anything else to do. I declined... I just was not ready.... One night I remember just crying being so sad and I prayed. This time I woke up and said "ma'am you are going to church" I went to church. July 1, 2012. I answered alter call. I joined. From that day on, I have been praying more and I actually go. I want to go. Now, do not get me wrong, I have not began this whole "my life is perfect... God saved me and now everything is going right" because it surely is not. I am still learning. I am still making mistakes but God is still there. Remember how I always used to question God, especially while I carried my son. I would be angry and upset, Y would he allow these people to say these things about me? Do these things to me... Sunday, the pastor spoke from Mark. He spoke about Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus was the son of Timaeus whom was born blind. As Jesus left Jericho, Bartimaeus begged God for Mercy. God inturn healed Bartimaeus (we gonna call him Bart for short) So Bart basically wondered, why God would allow him to be born blind if he would eventually heal him. You see God allows things for a reason. I am still learning but I can assure u, as God allowed Bart to go blind all those years. He will allow you to go thru all the trials and tribulations just so when its all said and done... You will be able to say... BUT GOD.... My point is...at 15 when I was running the streets fighting any and everyone who looked at me wrong... I could have been dead.. I coulda cut a major artery and bled out after one fight...BUT GOD said no... here is a baby..She will change ur life.... at 16 when that car crashed my life could have ended... My daughter could have been dead and I would not be here blogging about a bunch of nothing... BUT GOD stepped in and said Nope not yet... at 25 when I was alone and pregnant with this little boy and I had no one to turn to.. my family and friends... no one BUT GOD got me thru that.... I have had many BUT GOD moments... WHY ME GOD... and now I see... I understand... If God had never allowed me to go thru what I went thru, I would not be all that I am today. I maybe a lil crazy... yea I don't trust everyone... My circle is a little smaller... BUT GOD allowed all that for my best interest. So the next time, you wanna ask God, why me.... Look in the mirror and say, Why not you... You will have a story when it's all said and done. You will be able to tell the world, how no one BUT God was able to see you thru.... You cannot have a testimony without first going thru tests...

<3 B. Nicole.

I am a Parent...

Friday morning... we are running late... I am fussing.. Teeth brushed *check*  Face washed *check* Lotion/Moisturized *check* Clothes on... shoes tied.. book bag packed and ready to go... *check..check and check** Rush out the door. No morning prayer we are late and rushing today. Speed thru lights. Down Alabama ave. right onto side street. No kids in the alley this morning no need to slow down... Cross over street...thru alley quick right... Late but we made it to school in time for breakfast... "out the truck ladies" "wait ma.. lip gloss" UGHH I didn't give them lip gloss... OK... Lip gloss *check*... Two morning kisses... Two "I love you's have a good day..be good listen and be respectful"... Two kids walking away safely into a school building... Monday Morning... Dragging my feet... We are late... No fuss this morning... Teeth r brushed... faces are washed.. Today is a little different...  I did not place the book bags by the door today. "We have time... you can look for them.." I did not iron uniforms today... I did not rush out the door.. nor fuss about traffic today. We were late this morning... but morning prayer was very important..."God I ask that you continue to protect my children when I am away..." "God thank you for the shoes food, and clothes... please keep up safe Lord..." they pray... We pull up... I am in the passenger seat today.. Mom I can't reach for a kiss... Jai jumps out.. no kiss from her either... ( I will fuss at them later.) Jai waits for her sister to come to the side of the truck... They walk in together as usual... I watch as they enter the door where their education is a priority.. Top priority.. Safety is now my concern.My Top concern. See a few weeks ago there was an incident ... A parent threatened my child. My thoughts are on my child.. my 9 year old baby.. who still cries when I fuss to much... She is my second in command in my house. She is my little helper. She keeps my little ones in line. She is the guide when I am not around. An adult threatned her safety and I was not there to protect her. Y? Well, because she was at school. The home away from home. The second safest place in the world to be. Right??? Apparently, I am wrong ... Apparently, the parents in Newtown, CT felt the same way when they left there children in the care of the local school district. It is not the school's fault. They were secure. They did what they could. Teacher's attempted to protect the students. 20 children... dead. Their parents will never hear a laugh... never see a smile... no more holidays... Now they will forever mourn. December will never be a joyous month for them. All because... He was mentally ill.. they say... His gun was legally registered they say... For me it is not about the school safety... the school was secure. Nor the gun... it was legally registered to his mother.. Guns DO NOT kill people. People with Guns Kill people. The day a gun fires itself and kills someone then we address gun laws. The issue here is the state of the mental health of our children. If a child has a problem, as a parent, do not ignore it. Address it. Take them to see doctors and specialists. Help them to help themselves. There are signs that should not be ignored I am sure. If a child threatens to kill a parent, him/herself, a friend... something is wrong. Seek help. Its not just for the benefit of the child but the benefit of others. Could this shooting had been avoided? Could the mall shooting had been avoided? Could Columbine been avoided? Could the sniper attack been avoided?? I cannot say... But what I can say is maybe if those shooters had gotten the help they needed so many lives would not have been lost... This is the time now to yes, review the safety of schools but also... review the mental health perspective and get those children some help before another mother has to bury another child because another child was angry...

<3 B.Nicole

So I date myself...

I recall being told by my father.. "U have to take care of you first...than your children"... I did not understand... I always saw it as my children are me, taking care of them is like taking care of myself. Loving them is loving me because well they are me... "U spend to much time on your phone... its always in your hand" says my grandmother... I mean your almost 80 lady what do you know about my cell device. U cannot possibly understand the seriousness of this phone. I cannot miss a call... I cannot miss a text or an e-mail. I. Just. Cannot. So yes it is always in my hand... or close by... no less than 2 ft away. Yes. It. Is. My phone is my life line, I will simply die without it. "when was the last time ur turned your phone off .." OFF?! O_o turn off my phone. But then ppl won't be able to reach me. I have to be reachable at all times. "why" asked my dad. Well daddy in case anything goes wrong with anything. U know I have tasked my self with saving the world, one phone call or text message at a time... He always fussed about the phone.. Always fussed about the time I did not take out for myself. U won't believe what he did!!! Well about two weeks ago... my reliable and trusty electronic device started having problems... It began to overheat while being on the charger inturn meant it could not charge. It started on Wednesday. That Friday I took it to Apple as soon as I got off of work. Well... they looked at the device... the device my boy uses as a football (and no its not in a case.. to big to hard to text with case I always said) with all the cracks and dings... and they say well Ma'am, we cannot replace it for free you have to pay $150.00. O_O I won't pay $150 for an older model phone. The new model was just released and I can get it for $130. That makes $0.00 sense. So I take my device and go back to my daddy of course. I mean I am on his family plan (Yes, I am 26 years old and my daddy pays my cell phone ... Saves me 140 a month too) and I say Daddy I need u to upgrade my phone. He refuses! U spend to much time on thing. I'm not renewing the contract! HMPH I think. I am the only one left with unlimited everything! If u don't renew my contract my phone bill is gonna go sky high! Who is paying that? He fusses about me getting my own plan. Its time I pay my own phone bill. I cannot believe this. Y would I pay a phone bill when he can pay it for me. Daddy we must discuss this further... I negotiate and plead.. beg and plead. He agrees to upgrade my phone. The catch tho... Upgrade cannot take place until the bill is paid. Well how much is the bill. $1600.00. It will get paid and you can order ur phone he assures me. By the end of the week. A week without a phone?! WHAT WILL I DO!? I tell myself to calm down it will work out everything will be fine. The world will not end without this phone. Surprisingly, as the days come and go thru the week, I learn to navigate without my phone. Arrangements are made and everything goes ok and I do not have a phone... By mid-week its smooth sailing, although I did not have my phone, I stayed at my grandmothers, I had internet and cable so I was just fine. I was supposed to get the phone Friday. Friday comes and Dad says, wait a little while longer ... It's Friday I have to go home where I do not have internet/cable. I will not be able to communicate. What will I do??? He says, "U will manage" ... I think I have no choice... I try to charge my phone to see maybe if it had a little life. It does not even turn on this time. I am sad. It's the weekend so I drop the children off to their requested destinations. The ride home... an empty car.. no music ( I hate the radio)... Just me and my thoughts. It is calming... I arrive home. No way to  check FB to see what everyone is doing... No text messages asking if I have the kids ... No one to call and say what u doing I am bored. Cannot call my sister to see if she is still coming to my apartment. It is just me. My apartment. I start cleaning. An hour and half passes and OMG my apartment is clean. I finished my chores in an hour and half. What do I do now?? I warm up some crab legs with butter. My wine. My blanket off my bed and all the pillows. I take them into my living room and build my pillow fort. Put Season 1 Disc 1 of Scandal in the blu-ray player. I eat. drink. and enjoy the company of myself. Next thing I know 4 hours had passed and I was having a good time with myself. Weird thing is I was not worried if the kids were ok, if something was going wrong, if Ju decided to football tackle someone and hurt himself. My mind was clear. My thoughts were on me. I had a good time with myself. I actually slept in my pillow fort. Woke up with a lil back pain from sleeping on hardwoods ( =( I am getting old) but overall I woke up in a great mood. Ate a little breakfast and came into work. Called checked on my children and guess what THEY ARE STILL BREATHING AND BEING KIDS! **GASPS** I think I can live without my phone... for a little while. 

<3 B.Nicole