EVERYONE AINT UR DAMN FRIEND....

In life you will experience many things. In life you will learn many lessons... The most valuable lessons I have learned lately... Be careful who you trust. Be careful who you call a friend and remember no one will have your back like you do....

Just think about it... Most of the problems you encountered have been because u trusted the wrong person, gave the wrong person the wrong title or u just didn't put urself first. I am not saying don't trust. Just be careful. I am not saying don't make new friends... Just be careful. and I am not saying to be selfish and put ur self first... Just be careful. Because everyone that is smiling in your face is not smiling to see you smile in return. Everyone is not put in your life to be their forever and everyone isn't here to be the friend to you as you are a friend to them... Life happens. Just be cautious. Don't harbor hate and live to please no one but yourself first....

B. Nicole <3

Just a few words....

Ok.. Just a few words that can make an impact depending on where you are in life.. I know there is an understanding that you have no control over who you fall in love with... There is nothing you can do to stop it or prevent... But you can control how you entertain feelings... So I just want to say a few words and leave them to meditate

"Do not fall in love with the potential... Fall in love with the person...."

Not everyone lives up to their potential but they will forever be the person they are. Some things may change but that person will still be that person....


Have a blessed day.

<3 B

Becoming a Parent...

At 16, there was no clear understanding of what it meant to be a parent. I knew I was pregnant. I knew a baby was coming. I knew the baby would belong to me. I knew that I would be responsible for her. Strangely enough I don't think I became a parent until later. I mean yes, I woke up with her during her infant stage, fed her, changed her, clothed her. I protected her. I provided for her. I loved her because well.... that's what your supposed to do. Love your child. But it wasn't until later that I understood what parenting meant. Parenting was really 24/7. I mean even when this kid was away from me, I still had to do a million things because she was coming back. Unfortunately my kid(s), which I  did not find out until later, does not come with a return policy. No exchanges. No refunds. No cash (or time) back. She was mine to keep.... Well this week, 10 years later, I had a like DUHHH moment. On Tuesday, Bri had a very important field trip she had to attend. Not only did she have to attend but she had to have a chaperon (she is the bad kid sometimes... it's a phase I hope) Two weeks ago, we called her dad. He said two weeks ago he would be there. He said two weeks ago he wouldn't miss it. She was too excited. My daddy is going on a trip with me. Well Monday, he texts "I wont make it tomorrow don't be mad" U see I expected it but she didn't... She texted him all Monday night; woke up Tuesday morning first thing she said was "did he call" Half awake I reply, "no response... and he isn't answering the phone" She walked away, I felt her disappointment and she doesn't know but I heard her crying. I didn't tell her but I was spazzing in my head. He was everything but the child of God in my mind. I wouldn't let her here me say it; I could never disrespect her dad to her. She is half of him. Disrespecting him is disrespecting her.... It 7:15a... bus leaves at 9am. No Chaperon. No trip for her. I start making calls. See I would have called out and took the trip with her but my boss sent me specific instructions DON'T CALL OUT TUESDAY... I'm thinking who could possibly go with her and  my last call, a close friend told me he could make it. AFTER falling to my knees to thank God for surrounding me with such great people. I rush her to school. On the way I tell her, Uncle J is going. Her attitude changes. Sign the permission slip she reminds me... I rush her off to school. She makes her trip... I make it to work. Uncle J saves the day.... Today, her sister graduates from Kindergarten and there is a photo of her dad and I and it was like DUHHHHHH this is what parenting about. See looking at the photo and the smiles you wouldn't know the details of our relationship. You would not know we don't get along. We argue at least twice a day and that man works my nerves and can bring out a side of me that you do not want to see. But I had a moment Tuesday and today, where I sat back and just took in the moment. I saw disappointment and happiness in my children. Tuesday, I could have reacted, I could have shown Bri I was upset and angry but would that have changed anything? It wouldn't make her dad appear. It wouldn't get her on that trip. I tried my best to find a solution and by the grace of God, it worked out. Today, although we do not get along a lot of the time, the smile my 5 year old had when her daddy lifted her up to take a picture with her parents. The excitement she had knowing "my daddy is coming to my graduation and Mommy u are coming to right" showed me this is what parenting is about. I could have said "well, I am not coming ur dad will be there and I don't like his a$$ blah blah blah..." but the bigger picture is... it's not about him nor I nor our failed relationship. It's not about anything else but the growth of these children and being better for them. If I do nothing else in life, I pray I continue to do right by the lives I have created. The lives I will impact most. The lives of my children. I could have success and money and anything else ppl may wish for but if I fail my children; fail as a parent, I have failed my purpose of being on this earth. Today, I am proud to be a parent.... 10 years in the making....

Being a Father ....

As Father Day approaches I just wanted to share my perspective as a single mother and what it means to me to be a father (for the sake of this blog we will pretend being a daddy and a father is the same thing)... I am not a man. I cannot tell you what it feels like to be a father. I do not know what it feels like to be a father. But as a daughter, I can explain what it means to me to be a father. I was born in 1986. My mother met my father 6 months after I was born. We do not share blood but to him that did not matter. To him I was his. I was created for him to love. As I grew, they went there separate ways. In my life, I only remember seeing my father cry one time. I was maybe 9 or 10. He moved with my grandmother after their divorce. He called me into his room. I remember he kept his back to me and he stared out the window as he explained he would not be able to see me anymore. Somethings had happened and mommy had decided he could no longer be apart of my life. I remember him turning to me and saying "just remember I love you more than anything you will always be my boo..." After that day, I remember sitting in the window as he picked up my brothers. Sad I couldn't go Sundays at 6, I would cry to myself. I would sneak on the phone to call him we would talk for hours. All about nothing but he would sit and listen to me talk and go on and on about nothing. Holidays were different. I did not have the excitement to run and tell my daddy what I wanted. I would have to sneak on the phone to call him and tell him. He would make deliveries to my school after we returned from Christmas break... until mom found out. She would take my gifts break them or simply throw them away. As I grew older, I rebelled. I was living in Upper Marlboro but I had to get back to SE. I had to see my daddy. I would catch the school bus, get to school and call a cab. Alabama Ave please. $70 one way. My daddy would fuss "she is back again. girl u need to be in school" I just wanted to see him and spend time with him. I didn't make it an every day thing tho. School would call my mom. We would argue. I'm almost her size now, I'm grown she cant tell me what to do. Life happened. I removed from my mothers home. Placed in Foster Care. I told my foster mother, I just want my daddy. and she made it happen. I would visit with my dad and then go back to the home. Go to bed and back to my dad. Only for a few hours. But it was better than nothing. He would buy me clothes and things I needed. My mom couldn't take them away. By 10th grade I was returned back to my mom. I convinced her to switch my school. My attention had changed from my daddy to my boyfriend. I couldn't be with my daddy but I could be with my boyfriend. I started getting into more and more trouble. Skipping school and running the streets with him. Talked to my daddy less. Saw him less. I still called when I could tho. I told him about my boyfriend. He laughed it off. I wasn't having sex at the time so as long as I wasn't having sex, the boyfriend was alright with him. Well that changed in April 2002. I had sex. Didn't tell dad tho. Didn't tell anyone. I got arrested shortly after. Put out of school after that. That August I found out I was pregnant. That was not something I wanted to tell Daddy. My mom called me every whore in the book and then she asked me "is your father, the father of that baby" I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. My boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend any more... I couldn't see my daddy. I didn't have my mom. I just had my baby. Right before school started, my dad came to pick up my brothers. Usual Sunday @ 6. I went out side. It was time to tell him. I stood on his girlfriends side of the car. A full hobo sweat suit 80 degrees outside. I yell thru the window "Daddy Im pregnant" He didn't believe me. Just said u lying. Ur lying. I lifted up my hoodie and the belly was there. His first statement "u know u fucked ur life up" I couldn't say anything. I just went back into my house. I eventually moved out of my mom's house again. Moved with my grandmother. I visited with my dad more often. We would go on dates. Dinner and movies. Shopping for the baby. My daughter was born he was the first one to visit. He told me "this will be hard but you can do it. I will always love you no matter what" My daughter grew and eventually I moved with him. I started working two jobs to provide for us. I remember getting paid and my check was $600 and I was so excited to show him. He looked at my check and said thats what u made in two weeks.... O_o... with pride I said YES. He pulled a check out of his pocket and said "this is what I made today" I immediately quit my job and returned to high school. I graduated a year late but he pushed me thru summer school and my last semester and high school. I started working again. Now that I was older, and living with him there was never a moment where I needed him and he wasn't there. Even if he didn't want to be. He is an amazing daddy, he gets on my nerves at times but he never discouraged me, never belittled me. Never made me feel less than what I was. He is an amazing grandfather or "dad dad" as my son calls him to my now 3 children. He taught me what it means to be a father and I am so blessed that he chose me. 

My daddy was the first man to love me unconditionally. He taught me how to deal with disappointment, how to handle spiteful ppl and what it means to be a father and love unconditionally. I not once heard him complain about the child support he had to pay. He always made a way. No complaints about time he couldn't spend, he just made it happen best he could. I'm sure there were times he rather not been with his children, but we never knew it. Despite the circumstances, he made sure we knew just how much he loved us not just with his words but with his actions. We were his main priority. Being a father is more than buying the latest clothes, keeping up with the latest shoes. To be a father means to be there even when u don't want to be, to teach lessons and instill values. To create a path for your children to follow and to ensure their future is brighter than they may realize. A father is the first man their daughter's will love and the man their son's aim to be like. A man makes a difference simply just by being a father. 

I'm still here...

Originally written: 04.2013

IIt has been a while... Not that I don't have  much to say... I always have a million things to write about.... Have you ever found yourself in a situation where u do not know what to do? Your heart tells you one thing... Mind tells you the opposite. Prayers seem unanswered ... Emotions all over the place. Just because u feel something you do not have to entertain the feelings, right?? If something is so wrong, why does it feel right, right? Maybe God is trying to teach you something... but then the question becomes what? God what are you showing me because I am ready to take my lesson and move forward... Life is harder without guidance. God is your guidance... But what do you do when you feel like God has abandoned you? Is he saying wait... He didn't leave ... Trying to teach you patience. Life is confusing enough without added stress...until next time....  

My Stage

In a room surrounded by so many who love n support me thru everything...However, there are whispers as I walk by n all I can do is keep moving. Head up smile bright. No shame. Headed for the stage. When I get there idk what to do, won't know what to say but I just know that's where I'm headed. So the whispers won't stop me, the looks slow me n I stop...briefly... to see who's looking but I still push thru the thick crowd. A fight breaks out slows my path, I pause again. Gain my composure take a few more steps. They ask a million questions, "why does she walk like that, talk like that, she coulda walked the other way" Along the way someone grabs me we talk for a bit..he walks with me for a little while...He follows my lead but he should be leading me... he's cute nice but fake as the rest. No loyalty like so many others...  Thought he knew me thought he loved me, no different... I slowly back away... He grabs me pulls me closer... I rip myself from his grasps... Regain my composure take a few more steps. Headed to the stage...I have to get there.. I don't know what I'm gonna say when I get there, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just know I have to get there n I will get there soon. A few drinks spill on me, maybe some were thrown. Slows me down but I keep going... It's getting closer, the crowd is thick. I continue to push my way thru. Not easy but I do it. Security asks "are you ready" they were waiting for me. See I knew on this stage is where I should be. Idk what I'm doing. Idk what I'm gonna say. But I'm finally here at this stage n I smile. N take my position.... Front and Center....


** The room I stand n is actually not a room. The room is my daily surroundings. I'm surronded by spectators, many who pass judgement. Those who attempt to slow me on my path to the stage (path thru life) but just note how some things may slow me down but regardless I will get to where I'm going. All goals will be met...Regardless. My stage is my destiny, a place only for me designed by God... Only God can Judge me so who the fuck are you? Its love. Its life. Its mine. ♥ **

Originally written in 2009...

I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA

What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...

But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall

lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come

from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.

But just make sure God created this man for u. 

Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.

Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half

our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.

I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve.