Becoming a Parent...

At 16, there was no clear understanding of what it meant to be a parent. I knew I was pregnant. I knew a baby was coming. I knew the baby would belong to me. I knew that I would be responsible for her. Strangely enough I don't think I became a parent until later. I mean yes, I woke up with her during her infant stage, fed her, changed her, clothed her. I protected her. I provided for her. I loved her because well.... that's what your supposed to do. Love your child. But it wasn't until later that I understood what parenting meant. Parenting was really 24/7. I mean even when this kid was away from me, I still had to do a million things because she was coming back. Unfortunately my kid(s), which I  did not find out until later, does not come with a return policy. No exchanges. No refunds. No cash (or time) back. She was mine to keep.... Well this week, 10 years later, I had a like DUHHH moment. On Tuesday, Bri had a very important field trip she had to attend. Not only did she have to attend but she had to have a chaperon (she is the bad kid sometimes... it's a phase I hope) Two weeks ago, we called her dad. He said two weeks ago he would be there. He said two weeks ago he wouldn't miss it. She was too excited. My daddy is going on a trip with me. Well Monday, he texts "I wont make it tomorrow don't be mad" U see I expected it but she didn't... She texted him all Monday night; woke up Tuesday morning first thing she said was "did he call" Half awake I reply, "no response... and he isn't answering the phone" She walked away, I felt her disappointment and she doesn't know but I heard her crying. I didn't tell her but I was spazzing in my head. He was everything but the child of God in my mind. I wouldn't let her here me say it; I could never disrespect her dad to her. She is half of him. Disrespecting him is disrespecting her.... It 7:15a... bus leaves at 9am. No Chaperon. No trip for her. I start making calls. See I would have called out and took the trip with her but my boss sent me specific instructions DON'T CALL OUT TUESDAY... I'm thinking who could possibly go with her and  my last call, a close friend told me he could make it. AFTER falling to my knees to thank God for surrounding me with such great people. I rush her to school. On the way I tell her, Uncle J is going. Her attitude changes. Sign the permission slip she reminds me... I rush her off to school. She makes her trip... I make it to work. Uncle J saves the day.... Today, her sister graduates from Kindergarten and there is a photo of her dad and I and it was like DUHHHHHH this is what parenting about. See looking at the photo and the smiles you wouldn't know the details of our relationship. You would not know we don't get along. We argue at least twice a day and that man works my nerves and can bring out a side of me that you do not want to see. But I had a moment Tuesday and today, where I sat back and just took in the moment. I saw disappointment and happiness in my children. Tuesday, I could have reacted, I could have shown Bri I was upset and angry but would that have changed anything? It wouldn't make her dad appear. It wouldn't get her on that trip. I tried my best to find a solution and by the grace of God, it worked out. Today, although we do not get along a lot of the time, the smile my 5 year old had when her daddy lifted her up to take a picture with her parents. The excitement she had knowing "my daddy is coming to my graduation and Mommy u are coming to right" showed me this is what parenting is about. I could have said "well, I am not coming ur dad will be there and I don't like his a$$ blah blah blah..." but the bigger picture is... it's not about him nor I nor our failed relationship. It's not about anything else but the growth of these children and being better for them. If I do nothing else in life, I pray I continue to do right by the lives I have created. The lives I will impact most. The lives of my children. I could have success and money and anything else ppl may wish for but if I fail my children; fail as a parent, I have failed my purpose of being on this earth. Today, I am proud to be a parent.... 10 years in the making....