Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA

What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...
But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall
lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come
from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.
But just make sure God created this man for u. 
Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.

Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half
our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.
I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

My Family...

I used to think a family portrait was incomplete without him. I used to think pictures that didn't include him were ugly.... Dumb... stupid...I used to hate pictures without him in it. It was more than the picture for me. It was the image. Being a young mother of children by two different men. The babymother that I didn't want to be. Two or three mother days ago my aunt gave me a photo. I didn't remember taking it ... It was in a frame. A frame that had the word family across the top... Down the side... All over ... FAMILY. The picture was pre Ju.... Just Me, Jai n Bri ... (Oh n Kayla Bri's pet turtle at the time that Jai later murdered by squeezing it out of its shell) it was my family. I looked at it n tears stress down my face. I was looking at reality via a picture. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow but what I didn't see in that picture... I didn't see unhappy children ... I saw these two beautiful brown (it was the summer they tan so well) babies with these big beautiful smiles with their mother who **gasps** was smiling too!!! That moment .... I knew we would b jus fine. We would b ok. We were a family. A complete family.... It was not the family I planned... Nor the family I dreamed. It's better .... Last night as I braided the 5 year old's hair I had a moment of contentment. The oldest cut up strawberries n handed them to her siblings ... They ate quietly as I braided. We are a unit .... N they are mine. I love the family I created. Now don't get my wrong I would love to have a husband but right now, I am ok with where we stand. God leads us n we are in a great position despite our struggles. We don't always get along (that almost 10 year old has hormones JESUS!!!) but we will get thru because well... That's just what families do. We are all we have... <3 B.Nicole

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Oh those are feelings... Well this is just dumb...

Can u stop ur self from thinking of someone? Can you stop yourself from feeling something? Can u control who you are attracted too?? These questions run thru my mind. Ur answer should be Yes! Yes u can control yourself n ur thoughts n ur emotions... So what do u do when u find Urself in a situation u knew u shouldn't be. When u find Urself caring for someone who should just be ur friend. Make the attraction go away😫😫😫. U kno they say life happens... But certain things n life u can avoid. He was something I knew I should have avoided. Everyone told me not to... But I do what I want to do... If I feel like it's right I'm gonna do what I want. Every girl has been n this position before. Ur friends telling u no but ur not listening. He was beautiful to me. Unlike anything I had ever seen. It wasn't his physical appearance. It was his heart. I listened to his life stories n we had traveled similar paths. I enjoyed hearing him talk. One of my favorite memories was of us talking until the sun came up about things that mattered to him and being able to listen to his thoughts ... He intrigued me. I admired him for the man he was. Looked forward to texts from him. Looked forward to Saturday nights with him when I could find the time of course.. just looked forward to him. He held my hand in public ... I mean people were around to see n he held my hand! He opened doors for me. Walked beside me n not two steps ahead of me. He even hugged me on the public street!! He laughed with me... I could be me with him. I didn't have to wear my hair down if I didn't want. I could be my Tom boyish girlie self n he was ok with that!!! 😳 **gasps** Something about him woke something up n me. He pushed me to change n to this day, I don't think he knows it. I did a lot of things differently because of him. He raised the bar. Despite what my friends said... He was my boo on the low. Unfortunately, situations did not allow us to become anything we were just having fun ... At least he was. For me it wasn't fun anymore. I liked him **gasps** the person who never likes anyone.Well like they say its all fun n games until someone catches feelings... Lol... I liked him. I shouldn't have but I did n I hated every minute. It was so bittersweet. I had to say goodbye to someone I allowed "In". He said he wanted us to remain friends but I couldn't b his friend. I just couldn't because well I liked him n u don't like ur friends like I liked him. I mean that's what we were. Friends. Y can't he b my friend now because I couldn't control my emotions ... I couldn't stop the attraction... because I couldn't control my thoughts we can't be friends?!? When I saw him I saw a friend yes. But I also saw someone I was interested in. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I just wanted the opportunity to learn him. But I knew better. I knew it would not happen... So the question stood be his friend or lose him completely. I battled myself. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I hadn't contacted him n a week. Still thought about him everyday. Still smile when certain songs play on the radio. I still envision his laugh n his smile.. Well... This is just dumb. I have to turn whatever it was off. I don't want to feel this... He was my drug. I was high off him. These emotions take them away. I like me better when I like no one. Don't come around n change things for me. My world was content before him. This is just dumb... So what did I do?! I'm not his damn friend. I pray for him n keep high hopes that he is happy in his life. N I try to move on. He won't b the last guy... But he surely set the standard for the next guy...
The lesson I learned from this... Sometimes it's ok to listen to ur friends. At this stage n life they may have experienced things u have not... May know things u don't or even see things u cannot. They are your friends for a reason .... Trust them enough to assist u in decision making.... I'm too stubborn for my own good 😁

Monday, January 7, 2013

Do NOT let evil win...

Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of  and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and  are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... 

<3 B. Nicole