Thursday, November 7, 2013

What Is Love....

So many times, you hear someone say, "I love you" But with no real understanding of what Love truly is. I spent 7 years with someone thinking I was in love with this man. Now, first let me clarify, you can definitely love someone and not be in love with them. Today, I am specifically speaking on what love is. So back to this 7 year debacle; I was with someone for 7 years. I allowed him access to love one child and I birthed 2 extra babies just for him in case the first one wasn't enough for him... so 7 years... 4 children... a lot of memories... A LOT of lessons... But I questioned, was that love.... You see this man was the rising of the sun, the setting of the moon, the air to my lungs, the reason I did everything that I did... but was it love? You can feel all these wonderful things about a person, but how do you know that it is love? I mean we had sex, I brought gifts, remembered all the little details about his life that others don't pay attention too. I washed his dirty draws, I allowed his friends that I hated to come into my house and play video games. I paid bills.I loved his family and his mother and put them (him included) before myself even most times. But was it love? What did this man do... or what did this man say that made me "love" him so much.... As our relationship ended, the lack of respect that was shown throughout the 7 years reached an all time high... The women that showed their faces throughout the 7 years .... The lies and  the manipulation... The "u won't find anyone better than me" The times where he was diagnosed with STD's but my test came back negative 2/3 times ... The "pregnancy scares" from other women... The way that this man had complete control over how I breathe, talked, dressed, walked, smelled and smiled..... How could that not be love??? How can I give you everything in my world, and in the end we do not have love? I give u money, my dreams, my goals, my life, I cater, I make calls, I transfer funds, I'm awake at the crack of dawn making breakfast, fixing lunches, making snacks and leaving notes... "don't forget to take the trash out" .... Is this not love?? Sadly, it took 7 years and 4 kids, some hospital trips, a few bruises, a few court cases, restraining orders, busted windows, walls and doors, crying children and screaming mothers, a few "dumb b!tches", a couple fist fights, a few more "shut up while I am talking to you." a lot of "did u just hang up on me" .... One "daddy please don't kill him" ... and a night... a night of crying out "GOD PLEASE HELP ME... THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME" ... tears overflowing... pain bursting from within... a heart into a million pieces... Lives altered... For me to see.... True Love... The love that I thought I had, the love I thought I shared, the love I thought I was building.... was simply NOT REAL.... U see, I hid the bad by making up Good.... I covered up bruises with a smile. See I said, he will control this temper and when he does he will be great for me. For us. Until than I will wait patiently for him to understand.... The way he loves is KILLING ME.... but that night... that night in February when I cried out.. when I said "GOD HELP ME... There is King growing within me and I see now I cannot make it without you.... I cannot do this by myself... I cannot change this man alone God. I cannot do anymore to show him I love him... I just cannot win this war...." I stopped fighting... I started praying. I asked God to show me.... Tell me what love is... Because after 7 years, we have to have love, there is no way this is not love.... 
God's reply to me....
“If u give everything u own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but u don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what u say, what u believe, and what u do, You are bankrupt without love... But my child, understand this: 
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.” 1 Corinthians 13 

What we were building… was a house on quicksand… That was not love… Love is not forced, deceit or manipulation. Love is God. Love is not disrespectful. Love doesn’t call you out your name. Love does not lie. Love does not envy. Love is not jealous or overbearing. Love is not forsaken. Love is not cheating.  Love is not crying yourself to sleep wondering where someone is and who they are with. Love is not fear. Love is not hidden. Love is no secret. Love is not sneaking off in the middle of the night. Love is not obsession. Love is not insecure or jealous.  God is love. To know and understand God’s love…. You will then have the capability to love yourself and love those around you. So before you, speak another I love you…. Question yourself, is this love? Or am I in a situation of convenience? Am I here for love or am I here because I have children? Am I here because we are building or because I am afraid of being alone? Is this love or are we stuck in a situation where we are miserable but don’t want to see each other with someone else? What type of love do you have, if you cannot love yourself enough to take the time out to truly understand what love truly is…..