Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I am that Woman.....

I am that woman.... 

The past two years have been truly hard. I am not even certain that the hardest parts are over. I just know I have gotten thru this journey so far and I am ready for tomorrow. I just know I am better because of it and on my way to becoming the best version of myself. I just know I have learned so much about myself. I was reading an article about Mental Illness a long time ago. Really long ago. I remember laughing at the individuals for being  "weak". Mental illness isn't real; I felt Its an excuse so I thought. I didn't realize God was exposing me to myself. I did not realize Mental Illness is not always about ending up in a jacket that makes u "hug yourself" as you bounce off padded walls. Let me help you understand the importance of Mental Illness and how you can see it everyday around you and not even realize that you are sick. Mental illness is being so angry at everyone... for absolutely nothing. You are angry at them for living, for their happiness, for their successes, for simply existing while you struggle with understanding why you cannot have that same level of happiness; why u struggle with seeing people and hearing they say they love you but not feeling it because you are not open to receiving it. You struggle with everyday tasks... Simply showering. You make life all about yourself. Everything is a personal attack against you. Of course your not beautiful enough. Of Course your not smart enough; of course you do not deserve that respect. Of course they will speak to you like your nothing. Because you are nothing. At least that's what you believe in your mind. Your mind is ill. Mental illness. So what do you do? You pretend. You begin to do things to make sure everyone around you is happy and u do not focus on yourself because you do not matter to you.... FOR YEARS. Until finally, you lose everything.  Everything that you thought mattered... is now gone. All the materials. All the friends. All the money. The business. The fake love. It is gone. and you are forced to deal with all that you have left....You. Because the ones who matter depend on you. And it is important that you are better because their success is dependent on the state of your mental health. God takes you out of everything that was comfortable to you. All the friends you depended on who gave you that little bit of happiness.... They left. The money that you depended on to buy all the materials... You lost it... The family that you did not appreciate because they did not live up to your expectations... Yep. Got so used to living without you and yep lost those too. So you panic... Trying to figure out how to get it all back.... You make strides. You progress in replacing what you lost. But this time; is just isn't enough. Your "happiness" is not coming like it was before.... and you have an experience... This experience is your defining moment. You almost lose your life and you realize all the things that you had before... all the people that you had before... all the ones who you "lived" for... all the ones you would risk it all for.... all the ones who u thought needed u... all the ones you gave ur last for... were not as important .... as YOU. Where would you be without you? and you realize in that moment how sick you are... You need to heal. But u are not sure how because for so long you have been surrounded by so many that you do not even recognize you anymore. How do you heal when u do not understand how it is broken? You do not know how to say "I do not like that" "I do not want that" "I am not ok" ... Everything begins and ends with the keeping and caring of you first. You disconnect yourself. You sit in a room; sad and sick. No one is there. The people who are still connected to you do not even recognize you or they are starting to see its something wrong so you remove them in fear that they will end up hating who you really are. You think maybe this life is meant to be without you.You sit on the roof of a building and you look down and close your eyes. In those moments you replay all the times when u couldnt have been happier.... The smiles the laughs the lessons and the heartbreaks... You consider if u slide off the edge ... those are the people u would be leaving behind.... Are u selfish enough to really do this? You are not. U go back inside. You sit down and u do not come out for a few days.... In those days u sleep the pain away. In those days you realize... U miss you. The times where u laughed until ur stomach hurt with those u loved more than life and who loved u back genuinely. Where u did what made u happy first? I could not communicate to anyone what I was feeling inside; I just knew it did not feel good and one day... After a long day of dealing with myself and life... I came home. My children were being children. My teenager was being a teenager. I do not recall the specifics of the day but I just remembered losing it. ON MY CHILD. I hit her. Hard. Multiple times. She had done something wrong but my reaction was unwarranted. She did not deserve the pain I inflicted on her. All because I was hurting inside and could not say why. and in that moment where I watched my teenager look at me in fear; and tears that she rarely cries poured out her eyes; it killed me to realize that I hurt her. I physically hurt her. My daughter is very much so like me. She rarely shows her true emotions. Her dog died earlier in the year and she cried for maybe 30 minutes and came back like "OK so can we get a new one" She is legit the strongest kid I have ever known and I broke her because I was broken. In my moment of self reflection I decided: the people you thought you needed; You do not... You do not need those opinions. You are valued. You are worthy. You deserve the love you pour into everyone else and you give it to yourself because no one owes you anything. You accept what you have done; you accept your mistakes; you accept your imperfections and you make a decision: It is time You love you first. Heal what is broken inside of you. Your children are everything but they are nothing without you. They would not exist without you. Your parents are awesome but they are humans they are not perfect. Your friends are great but they are humans too. Humans are not perfect and will fail you every time when given your expectations. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself and Be ok with you FIRST.
That very next day I decided to go into mental health therapy.

I am a woman who loves everyone but I hated people. Because people were hurtful to me. I was too sensitive to the harsh realities of this wicked world. I loved my children more than I loved myself because I valued their lives more than my own. I loved men who did not understand what it means to love a woman like me; I loved friends who hated me and I hated friends who loved me genuinely. I sometimes lay in bed while the laundry piles up high; and the dishes sometimes stay in the sink for days at a time because I am too lazy to do them. My hair is usually a mess unless I am leaving the hair shop; I bite my nails due to my anxiety so I made it a must do to get my nails done every two weeks. I have 3 kids but my weight loss/gain was because my depression would kick in after I had a baby. I never wanted to have kids anyway but I never could say that out loud. I am so thankful for those three lives man. God knew I needed them. I would get a new car at least once a year because I was validated by the material possessions. They made me feel accomplished. I would lie to people about the dumbest things just because I was afraid that if I was honest about how I felt they would not want to be around me. I valued the opinions of worthless people. I cared too much about irrelevant things. I appreciated the validation of outside sources. I long for acceptance by people who I did not need to be accepted by. I was crazy! I am mentally ill. My diagnosis after a few therapeutic sessions: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In addition to the trauma life exposed me to; I traumatized myself. I made a decision to stop. I took a step to heal myself. I took a step to understand myself and I am so thankful for what I have learned thus far on this journey. I am that woman. I am that African American woman. The one so many fear. The "crazy" one. Yep. I am there. and I am ok with that.

Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. and to those who I have lost along the way; Thank you for leaving when you did. I am better because of every gain and every loss. <3

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Reality of Death....

It has been a while.... Most recent obstacle I have had is dealing with the death of my grandmother. Its crazy because the reality is... Everyone is gonna to die. We all know this. We are told this, in the end we all die. But its different when its family. I mean I have had many friends transition. It hurts yes, but it happens you cry, you miss them but eventually you move past it. My grandmother's death was different for me. This wasn't just a cry and move on. I have so much I have to tell her that I didn't think to tell her until I saw her laying in the casket. So many things I remember that didn't dawn on me until I kissed her cold skin for the final time. Like how she told me to stop being mean to my mother, in the end she is your only mother. Or when I was 16 and pregnant and she took me to the store and while walking she said "well at least we know what u were doing last spring" or how she refused to listen to my doctor when they told me to wait until my contractions were two minutes apart, "u aint having that baby in this apartment" The many times she told me your the strongest one, thats why no one messes with you. Her strength could not be mirrored, she was short but u had to take her serious because she was grandma. Even in her final years, Doctors would say she isnt gonna live, she fought thru it. She survived. She was ok. She was stronger then they knew. She never cared what ppl said about her. She was just her. and I lost all of that.... How do u move on from that? How do u move on from losing your foundation? She was the only grandmother who was actually mine u know, the one that was there in the baby pictures, toddler pictures, graduations and Christmas dinner. How do you live the same? She was here for my 3 children's pregnancies, she won't be here for my wedding. I am defeated. She saw so many mistakes so many wrong things I did, she won't be here to see me make things right. I don't have a house to run too when I'm hungry now. Who will fry fish every Friday because its Friday. Grandma's house won't be the last house I go to this Christmas. I am broken now. There is no coming back from death. There is no, "I will call her later" or "ill go visit next year" I can never be the same...

Thursday, February 20, 2014

The Demise of the Black Family... Part 1....

As I look around today… I look at the children... The reflection of our future…  I observe videos posted online of our babies. I wasn’t around during the era where little girl’s wore dresses and bow tiesI wasn’t around for the era when little boys played with trucks and cars. I can only imagine growing up in those times.

My children are growing up in an era where it is cute to curse, where they are encouraged to wear shirts that show breasts that haven’t formed and a belly that still had baby fat around it. They wear eye liner and lip gloss before they can read. They can sing Nikki Manaj but have no idea who Jackie Joyner Kersee.

It makes me wonder… WHO ARE RAISING THESE CHILDREN?? I understand being a parent is hard. I understand it comes without a manual. But what is the difference in US as parents today, when compared to the parents in previous generations??? Every morning I have conversations with my spiritual sister and today’s topic, like many other days, revolved around the status of men, black men in particular.

The conversations on the quality of our black men today lead to the quality of black families. She mentioned to me the welfare system and how it was designed. We basically agreed, the demise of the black family began in our parent’s era. Our parents are both in their 50’s. So, when they started their families, it was during the era when Black Menhad difficulties getting jobs. Dads couldn’t work (legally we can address the drug era at a different time) and as a result, mothers were encouraged to use welfare. The catch with welfare is a man couldn’t live within the home. So if you take a man out the home give the woman money in his place thus creating an “independent” dependent. Does it make sense?

The man isn’t in the home. So his family isn’t his family anymore. The man naturally is a provider but at this point, you have replaced the provider with a system that does what he does so he feels he isn’t needed. As a result, he goes somewhere where he feels like he is needed; starts a new family and BOOM: The cycle is repeating. But wait, it gets better. So now we have a black man with multiple children, with multiple women. What happens next? The women began to hate each other. Why? Because they see the one another as competition; which leads to women hating  each other and also hating the man they  happen to have children with which in turns creates broken children because the two people who created them hate each other and they are forced to grow up in an hostile environment. I hope this is making senseIn summary, the final result is we have black families that are angry and fighting all because they were simply trying to get ahead, but they were using a system that given to them instead of strategically planning and creating a system of their own. The catch is the system they thought was designed to help them grow together was actually designed to tear them apart and has contributed to the demise of African Americans as people, as a family unit.

Today, we have children who do not understand the importance of the family foundation. They do not have values. They do not have morals. They do not have self-respect. They got caught between the battle of mommy fighting daddy because their “half” sister was born.  Our children have become victims of a war waged against black marriages, black families and black communities.

And our children are lost. You have little girls in the streets searching for the attention they should be getting from home. You have men acting as women because they have no one around to show them what it means to be a man. We have broken people creating broken children and the cycle will continue until we take a moment to recognize what we are doing wrong and actually do something to fix it. My point in all of this: It all starts at home and with us; with the family. Build a solid foundation. Become a team as husband and wife with God as the head coach. Create your plans first. Then build your roster (with children.) It is time our families begin to be families again. Teach our children and guide our children.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

The Man NOT to fight over....

After speaking with some friends and personal life experiences....I think I need to get a class together. A class of young ladies ages 15-30. This class will cover basics. Like how at 15 ur focus should not be a boyfriend. And I know I get it ur 15, ur in love, it will last forever but even at 27 I don't know what to do with a boyfriend so at 15 I'm almost sure u have no idea what having a boyfriend really means. Like what do u do with a boyfriend? How often does it eat?? Do u have to play with it? Ughhhh no. I'll pass. I was stupid at 15. I did stupid things at 15. Maybe how at 17 graduating high school and getting accepted into a decent college. 21 ur goal should be saving. "Stack. Pray. Stay out the way" I learned many lessons n I did learn them the hard way and now I just want to pass a few lessons onto the ladies.... This post is entitled the man not to fight over because I have witnessed girls ( won't call them ladies) fighting over the bottom of the barrel guy. The bottom of the barrel guy is the guy that is comfortable with nothing. The guy who lives with his mom n has absolutely nothing going for him self. Uneducated. Unmotivated. No 401K. No College degree. No car. No job. Just waiting on something to be handed to them. Just completely lost!! This guy isn't interested in dating... Y??? Cuz he can't afford too. But he is interested in sex. Y?? Because that's his best asset. The most he has to offer is his penis and guess what??? There are women actually fighting for this guy!!!! Wait... Wait. WHAT?!? What happened to the days where women said u know what, u meet this standard n this standard n that standard. Today it seems the only standard u have to meet is "ur penis gets hard longer than two minutes" then, it becomes I love u, ur mine. Next thing u know, ur on a social network arguing over who he loves n don't love. Ladies!!! Let's not do this. Has the quality of men changed?? Or have we as women have lowered out standards to the point where the man doesn't have to do anything. Just that desperate where we will settle for anyone??  I get it everyone has struggles. Everyone goes thru tough times. I am all for standing by ur man when he needs u and he is going thru a tough time...  But u DO NOT fight over the bottom of the barrel man. That is the Man U have to humbly leave him where he stands, if another female ever approaches u. Bow out gracefully! U deny or don't reply!! This is not up for debate. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not man bashing. I'm not against men at all. I just don't agree with the antics I have been seeing. Like come on?? U met his mom, cuz he is sexing u in her house! The Man U should be willing to fight for, is the one who is investing into you, the one who is pushing you to grow. The protector the provider. The man who makes U his wife, his priority. No man is ever worth fighting for, and the one that is, will never put u in a position where you would have too. #stepsoffsoapbox

Thursday, November 7, 2013

What Is Love....

So many times, you hear someone say, "I love you" But with no real understanding of what Love truly is. I spent 7 years with someone thinking I was in love with this man. Now, first let me clarify, you can definitely love someone and not be in love with them. Today, I am specifically speaking on what love is. So back to this 7 year debacle; I was with someone for 7 years. I allowed him access to love one child and I birthed 2 extra babies just for him in case the first one wasn't enough for him... so 7 years... 4 children... a lot of memories... A LOT of lessons... But I questioned, was that love.... You see this man was the rising of the sun, the setting of the moon, the air to my lungs, the reason I did everything that I did... but was it love? You can feel all these wonderful things about a person, but how do you know that it is love? I mean we had sex, I brought gifts, remembered all the little details about his life that others don't pay attention too. I washed his dirty draws, I allowed his friends that I hated to come into my house and play video games. I paid bills.I loved his family and his mother and put them (him included) before myself even most times. But was it love? What did this man do... or what did this man say that made me "love" him so much.... As our relationship ended, the lack of respect that was shown throughout the 7 years reached an all time high... The women that showed their faces throughout the 7 years .... The lies and  the manipulation... The "u won't find anyone better than me" The times where he was diagnosed with STD's but my test came back negative 2/3 times ... The "pregnancy scares" from other women... The way that this man had complete control over how I breathe, talked, dressed, walked, smelled and smiled..... How could that not be love??? How can I give you everything in my world, and in the end we do not have love? I give u money, my dreams, my goals, my life, I cater, I make calls, I transfer funds, I'm awake at the crack of dawn making breakfast, fixing lunches, making snacks and leaving notes... "don't forget to take the trash out" .... Is this not love?? Sadly, it took 7 years and 4 kids, some hospital trips, a few bruises, a few court cases, restraining orders, busted windows, walls and doors, crying children and screaming mothers, a few "dumb b!tches", a couple fist fights, a few more "shut up while I am talking to you." a lot of "did u just hang up on me" .... One "daddy please don't kill him" ... and a night... a night of crying out "GOD PLEASE HELP ME... THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME" ... tears overflowing... pain bursting from within... a heart into a million pieces... Lives altered... For me to see.... True Love... The love that I thought I had, the love I thought I shared, the love I thought I was building.... was simply NOT REAL.... U see, I hid the bad by making up Good.... I covered up bruises with a smile. See I said, he will control this temper and when he does he will be great for me. For us. Until than I will wait patiently for him to understand.... The way he loves is KILLING ME.... but that night... that night in February when I cried out.. when I said "GOD HELP ME... There is King growing within me and I see now I cannot make it without you.... I cannot do this by myself... I cannot change this man alone God. I cannot do anymore to show him I love him... I just cannot win this war...." I stopped fighting... I started praying. I asked God to show me.... Tell me what love is... Because after 7 years, we have to have love, there is no way this is not love.... 
God's reply to me....
“If u give everything u own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but u don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what u say, what u believe, and what u do, You are bankrupt without love... But my child, understand this: 
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.” 1 Corinthians 13 


What we were building… was a house on quicksand… That was not love… Love is not forced, deceit or manipulation. Love is God. Love is not disrespectful. Love doesn’t call you out your name. Love does not lie. Love does not envy. Love is not jealous or overbearing. Love is not forsaken. Love is not cheating.  Love is not crying yourself to sleep wondering where someone is and who they are with. Love is not fear. Love is not hidden. Love is no secret. Love is not sneaking off in the middle of the night. Love is not obsession. Love is not insecure or jealous.  God is love. To know and understand God’s love…. You will then have the capability to love yourself and love those around you. So before you, speak another I love you…. Question yourself, is this love? Or am I in a situation of convenience? Am I here for love or am I here because I have children? Am I here because we are building or because I am afraid of being alone? Is this love or are we stuck in a situation where we are miserable but don’t want to see each other with someone else? What type of love do you have, if you cannot love yourself enough to take the time out to truly understand what love truly is….. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I Love Me Enough for the both of us...

I am perfectly aware of who I am n whose I am. My creator made me n his image. I'm nothing short of amazing n because I kno this I am capable of loving those who hate me. I can laugh when I am criticized n I can twist the hate into motivation. I am perfectly flawed n they are perfect flaws because they are mine I kno them n no one can use them against me. See I have learned that when u hate another it is more a reflection of ur character than it is theirs. So when I
say There is no hate in me that's exactly what I mean because I'm so full of love, hate has no room. If God created me n his image n another n his image, if I hate u I'm hating myself n God too. I love me too much for that. When u take the time to learn n love u, u will be amazed by the power u can find simply within urself. The power to forgive because u have been forgiven. The power to smile when ur world is crumbling. The power to laugh when ur critiqued n the ability to pray n love ur enemy. Now that doesn't mean that everyone is worth having ur love. U can love someone, pray for them n not associate urself with them. They don't have to be apart of ur life for u pray for them. It's like that family member no one deals with, u love them but u don't have em around or in ur business. Love urself enough to kno who is worthy of receiving ur love. Everyone isn't worth what u have to offer. Love yourself enough to remove urself from anything that doesn't promote ur purpose. If it doesn't help u grow, let it go. Don't settle for mediocrity when u have greatness within you. Love yourself.... 

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Growth...

" You're so gorgeous..." "Your smile is so different" "You have a glow within you" "Something is so different"... Lately, I have been hearing this so much. My response is the typical, thank you or "really... well thanks" Not really paying much attention. Not really seeing what ppl were seeing. I have always believed I was cute. Pretty sometimes even. But gorgeous... Me... Gorgeous is Beyonce and em. The ones you see on the TV screen. Not the girl from SE with 3 babies with the crazy baby favaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa **pops tongue**... Last night I went to bible study, took a lot of notes. Pastor said something I have heard before but this time it struck me differently. Pastor said " You Gotta see it before you see it....You will never progress to the promise until you see it." He continued with his lecture... "Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world... the darkness of evil cannot dwell when you have the brightness of life (God) within you" Something kinda clicked. For years and  years, I listened to how ugly I was... How stupid I was. How I was this name and that name. Three years ago when I went to God and I cried out for him to save me. I cried out for him to save my son. I cried GOD HELP ME PLEASE. See what I did not know then was all I had to do was ask. What I did not understand then was the power of the tongue. Last night Pastor spoke "do you realize how much power you have when you speak. Life or death is a matter of the tongue...." I heard it before. It processed last night. I looked online at my recent pictures. I saw me. I see me. This me now, although I am very much a work in progress, this me now is most definitely different. I mean duh you're supposed to grow up and you're supposed to change. 6 years ago, there were less pictures of me. More of my children. I did not want to bring attention to myself. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I wore my hair tied under a pillowcase (I called it my muslim wrap) I didn't care for myself. I wore whatever. I said whatever. I had no regard for myself. My focus was solely on my children
and their father. I needed him to be happy with me. I needed him to see I did not want anyone but him and the only way for me to show that was to hid myself from the world. He was always very angry. Today, I am not that same person. I have grown to kinda understand life, love and all the in between. I am still making mistakes. My judgement is still off. Some days I don't want to leave bed and I just want to lay and around and enjoy my wine. But as I reflect, I see where I started, where I stood, what I have endured and where I am now and where I am going, this type of growth, only can come from God. I changed how I spoke. I am changing how I think. I am changing. The change started with my building with God.  Many don't understand it. Some will brush it off. But this growth can only be made by God. I am who I am because he is who he is. He saved me when I did not care enough to save myself. When my world crumbled, I mean I lost everything the person I gave everything too, the family I worked hard to keep maintain, the friends I did my best to impress. God took it all from me. Not to punish me. But to show me, all that I will ever need will come from him. As long as I have him, my new "glow" will shine brighter than before. My beauty is simply of reflection of God's grace and mercy. Without God I am nothing. God is moving within me... Thank God I don't look like what I have been thru.


<3 Brit Nicole