Friday, February 17, 2017
I didn't understand what it meant to have value until I slept with a man who didn't value me. It was a different experience for me. Every guy I knew worshiped me in a way. Not literally, but in a way they went out of their way to express interest. Adored every strand of hair on my head. Every freckle on my face. Every ounce of air in my lung. It was cute but it just did not feel genuine. But this guy.... oh he was different. He liked me. But he liked everyone that was cute.
The thing was I needed to experience him. He was literally everything I ever prayed for. He was handsome, intelligent, articulate, fun n adventurous. He encouraged n supported me. Listened when I needed to talk. Was silent when I needed him to be. He made me feel safe when my world was crazy. He knew everything to say to bring me back when overthinking took over. He had flaws but no deal breakers. Things we could discuss and get over.
Charismatic was an understatement. He knew everything to say to get exactly what he wanted all the time.
I allowed it.
At a place in life, where I was rebuilding myself, learning to love myself n learning how to accept myself as I was. It was absolutely amazing to have someone to see pass my flaws; beyond my imperfections. To have someone who spoke life into me. It was breath taking to know I had someone I could trust. But the question later became can I really trust him? Did he really have my best interest in mind?
He never gave me a reason to doubt him. He was always honest n straight forward in a passive aggressive way. We agreed an exclusive relationship wasn't what we wanted. To just have fun. I knew I wasn't ready for a commitment. Fun we had. For months. It was fun. I was happier than I had ever been.
"This is what euphoria feels like" so I thought, until I realized it was far from it.
Reality arrived sooner than I wanted it to. When things got crazy, because it's life n u know things do get crazy, n I would reach out to him, he would find a reason not to be there. N I would check myself saying "you're expecting too much" Justifying his actions by giving myself excuses knowing inside there really wasn't any outside of he just didn't want to. I went with the flow. Because going back to having what was before him, I just knew I didn't want that. I was sad when I imagined not having that security of his unsecured love that didn't even belong to me. I settled. For a piece. Of him.
In my mind I knew I deserved more. He would even tell me, u deserve more. But in those moments I wanted him. I only wanted him. I wanted to tell him everything that mattered to me. Share my entire world with him. N so I did. Until one day, he told me, without using these words, u can have my body as much as u want. But u will never have my heart. I settled. I accepted his body.
That's fine I told myself. I didn't want to love him. I wasn't ready for what love requires. I just wanted him. In whatever form he was willing to give of himself. I settled. I supported his efforts to find the love he craved with someone else. While still sharing all of my world with him. It got crazier, he pulled back from me. I tried to fight him for it lol. "how dare u take the little u were giving, from me? Can u not see how important it is to me?" No... he couldn't because it didn't matter. I didn't matter; because I had no value. I didn't count.....
I went with his flow. Slowly killing my self because I knew I deserved more.
In those moments, I questioned myself. He had learned me enough to know. Without ever having to ask, he assured me u deserve the world, while reiterating, I will not be the one to give it to u but u do deserve it. People around me thought I was crazy. "What are u doing... and why" It got to a point where I wouldn't even discuss him. He is non negotiable. He stays; no matter what happens: HE STAYS. "He isn't good for u" Out loud, I would defend him. In my head, I would curse myself. I knew better. I absolutely knew better. I isolated myself from those people. I just wanted to go thru this without the feedback.
There was no logic behind my actions. Just making moves. He knew me. He knows me. He learned me. That was my favorite part. He cared enough to learn me. Until one day, casually, he mentioned all the things he had done before with many other women; the little things that I thought were special, they weren't. My view began to adjust. Slowly become clear. I did not understand his moves but he knew exactly what he was doing. For him it was a game. To learn women was his thing. He didn't want anything serious. To conquer n move on his terms. He enjoyed doing what he does. Learning. Liking. Leaving. Broken hearts followed. Life goes on. NEXT ....
His reason "I told them I didn't want a relationship" Them, like me. Stayed. He was a prize. So he thought. He had a lot going for himself and he did. So no one ever truly mattered. He was the only one that ever mattered. Just him at the end of the day. Nothing anyone did mattered because none of them, including me, had a value to him. Just names on a list. Conquered. Moving on. Sadly and disappointed in myself, I made that list. I was no exception.
He laughed when I mentioned it. I didn't think it was a joke. Too many names to count. It became scary for me when the reality smacked me. One day as I stared at him as I expressed my thoughts; I accepted it. In that moment I had no true value. I have no business being there. I meant nothing. I remember asking once y wouldn't u protect me ... n I couldn't fight it any longer, it was because I had no value. "Sorry that I hurt you" I felt like he had spit in my face. I felt lower than low. I felt like I was nothing. I needed to excuse myself. I had to go.
How could a person I was so willing to share my world with not see the value in it? Maybe because I made it easily attainable. What comes easy isn't worth having. I hurt myself this time. I couldn't be mad at him. I couldn't blame him; couldn't hate him. I wasn't even slightly angry with him. This was all on me.
When I was ready, not when my friends told me, not when his friends told me, not when the social media posts told me but when I saw it for myself n was ready to acknowledge that he saw no value in me; I let him go. I wanted to explain why I had to go; the words wouldn't come; but for what?!? Then I realized there wasn't much to discuss. We both knew what it was.
In our final, conversation I forced myself to laugh to hide the tears that were streaming my face. I didn't want to say I was hurting, I didn't even want to say goodbye. I couldn't say it out loud. I was ashamed n embarrassed that I put myself in this position. I wished him the best. I pray he gets all the happiness n peace he craves.
I was still learning to love n value myself. However, I placed all the things I loved and valued into the hands of someone who didn't understand; what I was handing to him was something that truly was invaluable to me.
It wasn't my place to show or convince anyone of its value. Either u see it or u don't.
I couldn't recognize that he didn't truly understand the value in what was in front of him until it was too late and in those moments, once it was clear it had no value to him, I wasn't strong enough to snatch it back.
The ironic part in this was, I truly didn't understand my own value until someone else exposed to me how invaluable I really could be.
I'm thankful for this lesson in growth.
U protect what you value. I cannot expect anyone to value what I failed to protect.
Life happens. Living and Growing Forward.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
The past two years have been truly hard. I am not even certain that the hardest parts are over. I just know I have gotten thru this journey so far and I am ready for tomorrow. I just know I am better because of it and on my way to becoming the best version of myself. I just know I have learned so much about myself. I was reading an article about Mental Illness a long time ago. Really long ago. I remember laughing at the individuals for being "weak". Mental illness isn't real; I felt Its an excuse so I thought. I didn't realize God was exposing me to myself. I did not realize Mental Illness is not always about ending up in a jacket that makes u "hug yourself" as you bounce off padded walls. Let me help you understand the importance of Mental Illness and how you can see it everyday around you and not even realize that you are sick. Mental illness is being so angry at everyone... for absolutely nothing. You are angry at them for living, for their happiness, for their successes, for simply existing while you struggle with understanding why you cannot have that same level of happiness; why u struggle with seeing people and hearing they say they love you but not feeling it because you are not open to receiving it. You struggle with everyday tasks... Simply showering. You make life all about yourself. Everything is a personal attack against you. Of course your not beautiful enough. Of Course your not smart enough; of course you do not deserve that respect. Of course they will speak to you like your nothing. Because you are nothing. At least that's what you believe in your mind. Your mind is ill. Mental illness. So what do you do? You pretend. You begin to do things to make sure everyone around you is happy and u do not focus on yourself because you do not matter to you.... FOR YEARS. Until finally, you lose everything. Everything that you thought mattered... is now gone. All the materials. All the friends. All the money. The business. The fake love. It is gone. and you are forced to deal with all that you have left....You. Because the ones who matter depend on you. And it is important that you are better because their success is dependent on the state of your mental health. God takes you out of everything that was comfortable to you. All the friends you depended on who gave you that little bit of happiness.... They left. The money that you depended on to buy all the materials... You lost it... The family that you did not appreciate because they did not live up to your expectations... Yep. Got so used to living without you and yep lost those too. So you panic... Trying to figure out how to get it all back.... You make strides. You progress in replacing what you lost. But this time; is just isn't enough. Your "happiness" is not coming like it was before.... and you have an experience... This experience is your defining moment. You almost lose your life and you realize all the things that you had before... all the people that you had before... all the ones who you "lived" for... all the ones you would risk it all for.... all the ones who u thought needed u... all the ones you gave ur last for... were not as important .... as YOU. Where would you be without you? and you realize in that moment how sick you are... You need to heal. But u are not sure how because for so long you have been surrounded by so many that you do not even recognize you anymore. How do you heal when u do not understand how it is broken? You do not know how to say "I do not like that" "I do not want that" "I am not ok" ... Everything begins and ends with the keeping and caring of you first. You disconnect yourself. You sit in a room; sad and sick. No one is there. The people who are still connected to you do not even recognize you or they are starting to see its something wrong so you remove them in fear that they will end up hating who you really are. You think maybe this life is meant to be without you.You sit on the roof of a building and you look down and close your eyes. In those moments you replay all the times when u couldnt have been happier.... The smiles the laughs the lessons and the heartbreaks... You consider if u slide off the edge ... those are the people u would be leaving behind.... Are u selfish enough to really do this? You are not. U go back inside. You sit down and u do not come out for a few days.... In those days u sleep the pain away. In those days you realize... U miss you. The times where u laughed until ur stomach hurt with those u loved more than life and who loved u back genuinely. Where u did what made u happy first? I could not communicate to anyone what I was feeling inside; I just knew it did not feel good and one day... After a long day of dealing with myself and life... I came home. My children were being children. My teenager was being a teenager. I do not recall the specifics of the day but I just remembered losing it. ON MY CHILD. I hit her. Hard. Multiple times. She had done something wrong but my reaction was unwarranted. She did not deserve the pain I inflicted on her. All because I was hurting inside and could not say why. and in that moment where I watched my teenager look at me in fear; and tears that she rarely cries poured out her eyes; it killed me to realize that I hurt her. I physically hurt her. My daughter is very much so like me. She rarely shows her true emotions. Her dog died earlier in the year and she cried for maybe 30 minutes and came back like "OK so can we get a new one" She is legit the strongest kid I have ever known and I broke her because I was broken. In my moment of self reflection I decided: the people you thought you needed; You do not... You do not need those opinions. You are valued. You are worthy. You deserve the love you pour into everyone else and you give it to yourself because no one owes you anything. You accept what you have done; you accept your mistakes; you accept your imperfections and you make a decision: It is time You love you first. Heal what is broken inside of you. Your children are everything but they are nothing without you. They would not exist without you. Your parents are awesome but they are humans they are not perfect. Your friends are great but they are humans too. Humans are not perfect and will fail you every time when given your expectations. Trust yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself and Be ok with you FIRST.
That very next day I decided to go into mental health therapy.
I am a woman who loves everyone but I hated people. Because people were hurtful to me. I was too sensitive to the harsh realities of this wicked world. I loved my children more than I loved myself because I valued their lives more than my own. I loved men who did not understand what it means to love a woman like me; I loved friends who hated me and I hated friends who loved me genuinely. I sometimes lay in bed while the laundry piles up high; and the dishes sometimes stay in the sink for days at a time because I am too lazy to do them. My hair is usually a mess unless I am leaving the hair shop; I bite my nails due to my anxiety so I made it a must do to get my nails done every two weeks. I have 3 kids but my weight loss/gain was because my depression would kick in after I had a baby. I never wanted to have kids anyway but I never could say that out loud. I am so thankful for those three lives man. God knew I needed them. I would get a new car at least once a year because I was validated by the material possessions. They made me feel accomplished. I would lie to people about the dumbest things just because I was afraid that if I was honest about how I felt they would not want to be around me. I valued the opinions of worthless people. I cared too much about irrelevant things. I appreciated the validation of outside sources. I long for acceptance by people who I did not need to be accepted by. I was crazy! I am mentally ill. My diagnosis after a few therapeutic sessions: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In addition to the trauma life exposed me to; I traumatized myself. I made a decision to stop. I took a step to heal myself. I took a step to understand myself and I am so thankful for what I have learned thus far on this journey. I am that woman. I am that African American woman. The one so many fear. The "crazy" one. Yep. I am there. and I am ok with that.
Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. and to those who I have lost along the way; Thank you for leaving when you did. I am better because of every gain and every loss. <3
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
As I look around today… I look at the children... The reflection of our future… I observe videos posted online of our babies. I wasn’t around during the era where little girl’s wore dresses and bow ties. I wasn’t around for the era when little boys played with trucks and cars. I can only imagine growing up in those times.
My children are growing up in an era where it is cute to curse, where they are encouraged to wear shirts that show breasts that haven’t formed and a belly that still had baby fat around it. They wear eye liner and lip gloss before they can read. They can sing Nikki Manaj but have no idea who Jackie Joyner Kersee.
It makes me wonder… WHO ARE RAISING THESE CHILDREN?? I understand being a parent is hard. I understand it comes without a manual. But what is the difference in US as parents today, when compared to the parents in previous generations??? Every morning I have conversations with my spiritual sister and today’s topic, like many other days, revolved around the status of men, black men in particular.
The conversations on the quality of our black men today lead to the quality of black families. She mentioned to me the welfare system and how it was designed. We basically agreed, the demise of the black family began in our parent’s era. Our parents are both in their 50’s. So, when they started their families, it was during the era when “Black Men”had difficulties getting jobs. Dads couldn’t work (legally we can address the drug era at a different time) and as a result, mothers were encouraged to use welfare. The catch with welfare is a man couldn’t live within the home. So if you take a man out the home give the woman money in his place thus creating an “independent” dependent. Does it make sense?
The man isn’t in the home. So his family isn’t his family anymore. The man naturally is a provider but at this point, you have replaced the provider with a system that does what he does so he feels he isn’t needed. As a result, he goes somewhere where he feels like he is needed; starts a new family and BOOM: The cycle is repeating. But wait, it gets better. So now we have a black man with multiple children, with multiple women. What happens next? The women began to hate each other. Why? Because they see the one another as competition; which leads to women hating each other and also hating the man they happen to have children with which in turns creates broken children because the two people who created them hate each other and they are forced to grow up in an hostile environment. I hope this is making sense. In summary, the final result is we have black families that are angry and fighting all because they were simply trying to get ahead, but they were using a system that given to them instead of strategically planning and creating a system of their own. The catch is the “system” they thought was designed to help them grow together was actually designed to tear them apart and has contributed to the demise of African Americans as people, as a family unit.
Today, we have children who do not understand the importance of the family foundation. They do not have values. They do not have morals. They do not have self-respect. They got caught between the battle of mommy fighting daddy because their “half” sister was born. Our children have become victims of a war waged against black marriages, black families and black communities.
And our children are lost. You have little girls in the streets searching for the attention they should be getting from home. You have men acting as women because they have no one around to show them what it means to be a man. We have broken people creating broken children and the cycle will continue until we take a moment to recognize what we are doing wrong and actually do something to fix it. My point in all of this: It all starts at home and with us; with the family. Build a solid foundation. Become a team as husband and wife with God as the head coach. Create your plans first. Then build your roster (with children.) It is time our families begin to be families again. Teach our children and guide our children.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
say There is no hate in me that's exactly what I mean because I'm so full of love, hate has no room. If God created me n his image n another n his image, if I hate u I'm hating myself n God too. I love me too much for that. When u take the time to learn n love u, u will be amazed by the power u can find simply within urself. The power to forgive because u have been forgiven. The power to smile when ur world is crumbling. The power to laugh when ur critiqued n the ability to pray n love ur enemy. Now that doesn't mean that everyone is worth having ur love. U can love someone, pray for them n not associate urself with them. They don't have to be apart of ur life for u pray for them. It's like that family member no one deals with, u love them but u don't have em around or in ur business. Love urself enough to kno who is worthy of receiving ur love. Everyone isn't worth what u have to offer. Love yourself enough to remove urself from anything that doesn't promote ur purpose. If it doesn't help u grow, let it go. Don't settle for mediocrity when u have greatness within you. Love yourself....