I have been there....

The news headline reads "Tuesday, June 5, 2018... Kate Spade Dead.. Suicide..." I remember those feelings... I felt apologetic. I posted. I am so sorry Kate. Today... News headline reads "Caps won... Anthony Bourdain Dead 61.... Suicide ".... Today... I am sorry but I am reminded... I am reminded of the moments I battled those thoughts. I am reminded of the moments I fought that demon. I am reminded of the monster that still lives within me. I still struggle with the moments where I do not feel like I am enough. I struggle in those moments where I feel like I am doing everything wrong. I struggle thru motherhood. I struggle thru friendships. I live to fight thru these struggles. Some days I win the battle. Some days I do not want to fight. But every day I wake up I have the option. I write this today, from a place of thankfulness. In August 2015, I woke up and I decided I did not want to fight anymore. So I didn't.... I had a job making close to 70K a year... I had a nice apartment ...3 beautiful happy healthy kids who had no idea of the internal war I was fighting... and I woke up one morning and it was not enough to bring me peace. I was not happy. So I just stopped fighting. For the first month, I was "sick" at work. I took them to camp and I stayed. Went home and was in my room. Once that month was over, I barely came out of my room. I stayed in my room until early. Did not go to work. Stopped cooking. Stopped going places. By the time I looked up my car was up for repo, my apartment was up for eviction and I was unemployed...Savings empty... I remember laying in bed one day... imagine what would happen if... if life for me ended on that day.. would my kids be ok... I never told anyone about those thoughts. I remember talking to a close friend and he randomly said "Ummm how do you have so much free time'' and I quickly explained it away not admitting that I just stopped going to work... and he said "get ur ass up what are you doing..." and it clicked. I was back. I secured two new jobs and I was able to recover with time. I gave up my apartment and moved into a home. Caught up on my car payments and things were stable again.... Everything was ok.. for the moment. Then April 2016, headed to my second job, on Suitland Pkwy, in the rain, I was anxious because I was running late. I remember, putting my phone away and seeing the exit for Branch Ave. My next memory was the sound of the Firefighters trying to shatter the window to get me out the car. I remember struggling to breathe but between gasps asking for my son. I remember the firefighter saying, if he was in this car he is gone. Anxiety attacked again. Blacking out. Opening my eyes to see I am strapped to a bed on the elevator. My dad is here. My brother. I cannot breathe. I pass out again. I remember waking up to 4 friends. "Bitch don't scare me like that again" My first thoughts "I gotta get to work, I'm late...." Not understanding the extent of my injuries. Not understanding that I could have died. I remember my close friend gave me a card in the hospital;... I saved it for moments that I knew would come again soon. That accident was as close to death as I could get. Although I did not know why it happened; I am thankful it did. Although my life could have been validated in so many other ways; thru those moments I saw who would show up for me. I recovered and shortly after I recovered, I needed to move again. Once I was stable, here comes life again with more blows. Just returning to work, no longer have a car, and about to lose my place to live. I decided to fight. Found an apartment. Moved. and suddenly, one day something happened and I just remember feeling so sorry. I lost my temper on my daughter and I hit her like I had never hit her before. I remember looking at her and seeing how I hurt her. I felt like I failed. I survived all that but I still felt like I failed my children. I was disappointing my father. My mother did not love me. I hurt the people I love the most. I was just a complete failure in my mind. I remember in October 2016, I stood on the roof of my building. "what if I accidentally slip" played in my mind... I sat there crying imagining that this life was over. I needed it to be over. I had convinced myself and I just imagined the ways my kids would find me. Dead in the street. I grabbed my phone and I texted my friend as if I was not standing on the roof. I told him what happened. He made me laugh while reminded me of it being a forgivable mistake. He brought me back and reminded me that I had a place and I never had to tell him, I was on the roof contemplating what life looked like without me and how life would be better without me. Later that week, I sought therapy. Today, I am still in therapy. Today I occasionally, take medication to help me balance. Today, I understand the importance of mental health. This is not a "check on your strong friend" message. This is not a "u never know what someone is going thru" moment. This is a moment, of self-reflection, self- validation, a moment where I recognize the pain Kate and Anthony experienced. Life sometimes has a weird way of teaching you things. These moments of death, of suicide, remind me of where I have been, what I have experienced, what I have overcome and what I endure daily. It reminds me of the importance of Mental Health. It reminds me that no matter how minor we think our role is in this world, we are important, we do so much for the people connected to us. So if we do nothing else today, take a moment to remind yourself of how great you are, how much this world needs you and how much of an impact you make. Even if it is small to you, it is an impact and WE (THE WORLD) NEED YOU. You are the only you that we have. Even if others duplicate you, they will never be you. SO BE YOU ON PURPOSE...