Do NOT let evil win...

Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of  and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and  are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... 

<3 B. Nicole