But God...

Lately, I have been working on improving my relationship with God... I was not exactly raised in the church... I actually hated going to church... All these people... crying... jumping...screaming and hollering... and it always made us late for football... You see I was confused... I did not understand because my mother would take us to church on Sunday, by Tuesday, she was yelling about whatever..by Friday I was convinced she hated being our mom.. But Sunday comes, put on ur best clothes and ur best smiles and well.. fake it til you make it. She would even hug us ... She was the Mega beast but at Church she became a whole new person. She did not yell, she did not curse, she did not scream. If we got out of line she would pinch but that's as worst as it got... So I resented the church. Y come here and be fake?! God don't care none about me... If he did... the person I share DNA with would be alive.. and the other one... she would be way less evil... I would never hurt if God was real because they said he was great and he never caused pain u know. Y would God allow a 15 year old girl to get pregnant... Y would God allow me to go to jail? Y would I lose the people closest to me? Y would God allow all that he allowed? I questioned everything about God. He is not real.... Until 2003 when my life was spared. I was involved in a serious accident. Worst part about it was THEY HAD TO CUT MY MACY'S PANTY AND BRA SET OFF!! How dare those paramedics!!! But no really, the worst part about the accident was my father... I hurt him. I felt so bad about that accident... I was stuck in a car upside down on 295. Daddy did not have on his seatbelt. Every flip, he flipped. Amazingly, he only had a gash on his head. I still cry inside when I think about it. He is ok but it is still my fault. That rainy day, on the way to Timbuktu, I was preparing my baby to go to eat with my daddy for lunch. My grandmother adamant about her not going.... "leave the baby here" she begged, "its raining"... I did not know I would soon be flipping down 295 ... Thank God for stepping in because the window the EMT pulled me out of... would have been where her carseat was... the vehicle was done... But I had my life... my dad had his life. My daughter had her life. That day I could not do anything but Thank God.... It could have been worst. I could have been dead. From that point on, I made an effort to communicate with God. Just to say thank you but that was it.. nothing more. Until maybe in July/August, I suddenly needed more. I felt lost like I had no place. No purpose. Things weren't exactly horrible but they could have been better. I felt sad when I reflected on my life I saw no real accomplishments. I mean I am in school but it felt like I was becoming stagnant. I had 3 beautiful children but I was not married. I felt completely lost. My friend said, come back to church, you do not have anything else to do. I declined... I just was not ready.... One night I remember just crying being so sad and I prayed. This time I woke up and said "ma'am you are going to church" I went to church. July 1, 2012. I answered alter call. I joined. From that day on, I have been praying more and I actually go. I want to go. Now, do not get me wrong, I have not began this whole "my life is perfect... God saved me and now everything is going right" because it surely is not. I am still learning. I am still making mistakes but God is still there. Remember how I always used to question God, especially while I carried my son. I would be angry and upset, Y would he allow these people to say these things about me? Do these things to me... Sunday, the pastor spoke from Mark. He spoke about Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus was the son of Timaeus whom was born blind. As Jesus left Jericho, Bartimaeus begged God for Mercy. God inturn healed Bartimaeus (we gonna call him Bart for short) So Bart basically wondered, why God would allow him to be born blind if he would eventually heal him. You see God allows things for a reason. I am still learning but I can assure u, as God allowed Bart to go blind all those years. He will allow you to go thru all the trials and tribulations just so when its all said and done... You will be able to say... BUT GOD.... My point is...at 15 when I was running the streets fighting any and everyone who looked at me wrong... I could have been dead.. I coulda cut a major artery and bled out after one fight...BUT GOD said no... here is a baby..She will change ur life.... at 16 when that car crashed my life could have ended... My daughter could have been dead and I would not be here blogging about a bunch of nothing... BUT GOD stepped in and said Nope not yet... at 25 when I was alone and pregnant with this little boy and I had no one to turn to.. my family and friends... no one BUT GOD got me thru that.... I have had many BUT GOD moments... WHY ME GOD... and now I see... I understand... If God had never allowed me to go thru what I went thru, I would not be all that I am today. I maybe a lil crazy... yea I don't trust everyone... My circle is a little smaller... BUT GOD allowed all that for my best interest. So the next time, you wanna ask God, why me.... Look in the mirror and say, Why not you... You will have a story when it's all said and done. You will be able to tell the world, how no one BUT God was able to see you thru.... You cannot have a testimony without first going thru tests...

<3 B. Nicole.