The Reality of Death....

It has been a while.... Most recent obstacle I have had is dealing with the death of my grandmother. Its crazy because the reality is... Everyone is gonna to die. We all know this. We are told this, in the end we all die. But its different when its family. I mean I have had many friends transition. It hurts yes, but it happens you cry, you miss them but eventually you move past it. My grandmother's death was different for me. This wasn't just a cry and move on. I have so much I have to tell her that I didn't think to tell her until I saw her laying in the casket. So many things I remember that didn't dawn on me until I kissed her cold skin for the final time. Like how she told me to stop being mean to my mother, in the end she is your only mother. Or when I was 16 and pregnant and she took me to the store and while walking she said "well at least we know what u were doing last spring" or how she refused to listen to my doctor when they told me to wait until my contractions were two minutes apart, "u aint having that baby in this apartment" The many times she told me your the strongest one, thats why no one messes with you. Her strength could not be mirrored, she was short but u had to take her serious because she was grandma. Even in her final years, Doctors would say she isnt gonna live, she fought thru it. She survived. She was ok. She was stronger then they knew. She never cared what ppl said about her. She was just her. and I lost all of that.... How do u move on from that? How do u move on from losing your foundation? She was the only grandmother who was actually mine u know, the one that was there in the baby pictures, toddler pictures, graduations and Christmas dinner. How do you live the same? She was here for my 3 children's pregnancies, she won't be here for my wedding. I am defeated. She saw so many mistakes so many wrong things I did, she won't be here to see me make things right. I don't have a house to run too when I'm hungry now. Who will fry fish every Friday because its Friday. Grandma's house won't be the last house I go to this Christmas. I am broken now. There is no coming back from death. There is no, "I will call her later" or "ill go visit next year" I can never be the same...

The Demise of the Black Family... Part 1....

As I look around today… I look at the children... The reflection of our future…  I observe videos posted online of our babies. I wasn’t around during the era where little girl’s wore dresses and bow ties. I wasn’t around for the era when little boys played with trucks and cars. I can only imagine growing up in those times.

My children are growing up in an era where it is cute to curse, where they are encouraged to wear shirts that show breasts that haven’t formed and a belly that still had baby fat around it. They wear eye liner and lip gloss before they can read. They can sing Nikki Manaj but have no idea who Jackie Joyner Kersee.

It makes me wonder… WHO ARE RAISING THESE CHILDREN?? I understand being a parent is hard. I understand it comes without a manual. But what is the difference in US as parents today, when compared to the parents in previous generations??? Every morning I have conversations with my spiritual sister and today’s topic, like many other days, revolved around the status of men, black men in particular.

The conversations on the quality of our black men today lead to the quality of black families. She mentioned to me the welfare system and how it was designed. We basically agreed, the demise of the black family began in our parent’s era. Our parents are both in their 50’s. So, when they started their families, it was during the era when “Black Men”had difficulties getting jobs. Dads couldn’t work (legally we can address the drug era at a different time) and as a result, mothers were encouraged to use welfare. The catch with welfare is a man couldn’t live within the home. So if you take a man out the home give the woman money in his place thus creating an “independent” dependent. Does it make sense?

The man isn’t in the home. So his family isn’t his family anymore. The man naturally is a provider but at this point, you have replaced the provider with a system that does what he does so he feels he isn’t needed. As a result, he goes somewhere where he feels like he is needed; starts a new family and BOOM: The cycle is repeating. But wait, it gets better. So now we have a black man with multiple children, with multiple women. What happens next? The women began to hate each other. Why? Because they see the one another as competition; which leads to women hating  each other and also hating the man they  happen to have children with which in turns creates broken children because the two people who created them hate each other and they are forced to grow up in an hostile environment. I hope this is making sense. In summary, the final result is we have black families that are angry and fighting all because they were simply trying to get ahead, but they were using a system that given to them instead of strategically planning and creating a system of their own. The catch is the “system” they thought was designed to help them grow together was actually designed to tear them apart and has contributed to the demise of African Americans as people, as a family unit.

Today, we have children who do not understand the importance of the family foundation. They do not have values. They do not have morals. They do not have self-respect. They got caught between the battle of mommy fighting daddy because their “half” sister was born.  Our children have become victims of a war waged against black marriages, black families and black communities.

And our children are lost. You have little girls in the streets searching for the attention they should be getting from home. You have men acting as women because they have no one around to show them what it means to be a man. We have broken people creating broken children and the cycle will continue until we take a moment to recognize what we are doing wrong and actually do something to fix it. My point in all of this: It all starts at home and with us; with the family. Build a solid foundation. Become a team as husband and wife with God as the head coach. Create your plans first. Then build your roster (with children.) It is time our families begin to be families again. Teach our children and guide our children.