The Reality of Death....

It has been a while.... Most recent obstacle I have had is dealing with the death of my grandmother. Its crazy because the reality is... Everyone is gonna to die. We all know this. We are told this, in the end we all die. But its different when its family. I mean I have had many friends transition. It hurts yes, but it happens you cry, you miss them but eventually you move past it. My grandmother's death was different for me. This wasn't just a cry and move on. I have so much I have to tell her that I didn't think to tell her until I saw her laying in the casket. So many things I remember that didn't dawn on me until I kissed her cold skin for the final time. Like how she told me to stop being mean to my mother, in the end she is your only mother. Or when I was 16 and pregnant and she took me to the store and while walking she said "well at least we know what u were doing last spring" or how she refused to listen to my doctor when they told me to wait until my contractions were two minutes apart, "u aint having that baby in this apartment" The many times she told me your the strongest one, thats why no one messes with you. Her strength could not be mirrored, she was short but u had to take her serious because she was grandma. Even in her final years, Doctors would say she isnt gonna live, she fought thru it. She survived. She was ok. She was stronger then they knew. She never cared what ppl said about her. She was just her. and I lost all of that.... How do u move on from that? How do u move on from losing your foundation? She was the only grandmother who was actually mine u know, the one that was there in the baby pictures, toddler pictures, graduations and Christmas dinner. How do you live the same? She was here for my 3 children's pregnancies, she won't be here for my wedding. I am defeated. She saw so many mistakes so many wrong things I did, she won't be here to see me make things right. I don't have a house to run too when I'm hungry now. Who will fry fish every Friday because its Friday. Grandma's house won't be the last house I go to this Christmas. I am broken now. There is no coming back from death. There is no, "I will call her later" or "ill go visit next year" I can never be the same...