The Man NOT to fight over....

After speaking with some friends and personal life experiences....I think I need to get a class together. A class of young ladies ages 15-30. This class will cover basics. Like how at 15 ur focus should not be a boyfriend. And I know I get it ur 15, ur in love, it will last forever but even at 27 I don't know what to do with a boyfriend so at 15 I'm almost sure u have no idea what having a boyfriend really means. Like what do u do with a boyfriend? How often does it eat?? Do u have to play with it? Ughhhh no. I'll pass. I was stupid at 15. I did stupid things at 15. Maybe how at 17 graduating high school and getting accepted into a decent college. 21 ur goal should be saving. "Stack. Pray. Stay out the way" I learned many lessons n I did learn them the hard way and now I just want to pass a few lessons onto the ladies.... This post is entitled the man not to fight over because I have witnessed girls ( won't call them ladies) fighting over the bottom of the barrel guy. The bottom of the barrel guy is the guy that is comfortable with nothing. The guy who lives with his mom n has absolutely nothing going for him self. Uneducated. Unmotivated. No 401K. No College degree. No car. No job. Just waiting on something to be handed to them. Just completely lost!! This guy isn't interested in dating... Y??? Cuz he can't afford too. But he is interested in sex. Y?? Because that's his best asset. The most he has to offer is his penis and guess what??? There are women actually fighting for this guy!!!! Wait... Wait. WHAT?!? What happened to the days where women said u know what, u meet this standard n this standard n that standard. Today it seems the only standard u have to meet is "ur penis gets hard longer than two minutes" then, it becomes I love u, ur mine. Next thing u know, ur on a social network arguing over who he loves n don't love. Ladies!!! Let's not do this. Has the quality of men changed?? Or have we as women have lowered out standards to the point where the man doesn't have to do anything. Just that desperate where we will settle for anyone??  I get it everyone has struggles. Everyone goes thru tough times. I am all for standing by ur man when he needs u and he is going thru a tough time...  But u DO NOT fight over the bottom of the barrel man. That is the Man U have to humbly leave him where he stands, if another female ever approaches u. Bow out gracefully! U deny or don't reply!! This is not up for debate. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not man bashing. I'm not against men at all. I just don't agree with the antics I have been seeing. Like come on?? U met his mom, cuz he is sexing u in her house! The Man U should be willing to fight for, is the one who is investing into you, the one who is pushing you to grow. The protector the provider. The man who makes U his wife, his priority. No man is ever worth fighting for, and the one that is, will never put u in a position where you would have too. #stepsoffsoapbox

What Is Love....

So many times, you hear someone say, "I love you" But with no real understanding of what Love truly is. I spent 7 years with someone thinking I was in love with this man. Now, first let me clarify, you can definitely love someone and not be in love with them. Today, I am specifically speaking on what love is. So back to this 7 year debacle; I was with someone for 7 years. I allowed him access to love one child and I birthed 2 extra babies just for him in case the first one wasn't enough for him... so 7 years... 4 children... a lot of memories... A LOT of lessons... But I questioned, was that love.... You see this man was the rising of the sun, the setting of the moon, the air to my lungs, the reason I did everything that I did... but was it love? You can feel all these wonderful things about a person, but how do you know that it is love? I mean we had sex, I brought gifts, remembered all the little details about his life that others don't pay attention too. I washed his dirty draws, I allowed his friends that I hated to come into my house and play video games. I paid bills.I loved his family and his mother and put them (him included) before myself even most times. But was it love? What did this man do... or what did this man say that made me "love" him so much.... As our relationship ended, the lack of respect that was shown throughout the 7 years reached an all time high... The women that showed their faces throughout the 7 years .... The lies and  the manipulation... The "u won't find anyone better than me" The times where he was diagnosed with STD's but my test came back negative 2/3 times ... The "pregnancy scares" from other women... The way that this man had complete control over how I breathe, talked, dressed, walked, smelled and smiled..... How could that not be love??? How can I give you everything in my world, and in the end we do not have love? I give u money, my dreams, my goals, my life, I cater, I make calls, I transfer funds, I'm awake at the crack of dawn making breakfast, fixing lunches, making snacks and leaving notes... "don't forget to take the trash out" .... Is this not love?? Sadly, it took 7 years and 4 kids, some hospital trips, a few bruises, a few court cases, restraining orders, busted windows, walls and doors, crying children and screaming mothers, a few "dumb b!tches", a couple fist fights, a few more "shut up while I am talking to you." a lot of "did u just hang up on me" .... One "daddy please don't kill him" ... and a night... a night of crying out "GOD PLEASE HELP ME... THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME" ... tears overflowing... pain bursting from within... a heart into a million pieces... Lives altered... For me to see.... True Love... The love that I thought I had, the love I thought I shared, the love I thought I was building.... was simply NOT REAL.... U see, I hid the bad by making up Good.... I covered up bruises with a smile. See I said, he will control this temper and when he does he will be great for me. For us. Until than I will wait patiently for him to understand.... The way he loves is KILLING ME.... but that night... that night in February when I cried out.. when I said "GOD HELP ME... There is King growing within me and I see now I cannot make it without you.... I cannot do this by myself... I cannot change this man alone God. I cannot do anymore to show him I love him... I just cannot win this war...." I stopped fighting... I started praying. I asked God to show me.... Tell me what love is... Because after 7 years, we have to have love, there is no way this is not love.... 

God's reply to me....

“If u give everything u own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but u don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what u say, what u believe, and what u do, You are bankrupt without love... But my child, understand this: 

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.” 1 Corinthians 13 

What we were building… was a house on quicksand… That was not love… Love is not forced, deceit or manipulation. Love is God. Love is not disrespectful. Love doesn’t call you out your name. Love does not lie. Love does not envy. Love is not jealous or overbearing. Love is not forsaken. Love is not cheating.  Love is not crying yourself to sleep wondering where someone is and who they are with. Love is not fear. Love is not hidden. Love is no secret. Love is not sneaking off in the middle of the night. Love is not obsession. Love is not insecure or jealous.  God is love. To know and understand God’s love…. You will then have the capability to love yourself and love those around you. So before you, speak another I love you…. Question yourself, is this love? Or am I in a situation of convenience? Am I here for love or am I here because I have children? Am I here because we are building or because I am afraid of being alone? Is this love or are we stuck in a situation where we are miserable but don’t want to see each other with someone else? What type of love do you have, if you cannot love yourself enough to take the time out to truly understand what love truly is….. 

I Love Me Enough for the both of us...

I am perfectly aware of who I am n whose I am. My creator made me n his image. I'm nothing short of amazing n because I kno this I am capable of loving those who hate me. I can laugh when I am criticized n I can twist the hate into motivation. I am perfectly flawed n they are perfect flaws because they are mine I kno them n no one can use them against me. See I have learned that when u hate another it is more a reflection of ur character than it is theirs. So when I
say There is no hate in me that's exactly what I mean because I'm so full of love, hate has no room. If God created me n his image n another n his image, if I hate u I'm hating myself n God too. I love me too much for that. When u take the time to learn n love u, u will be amazed by the power u can find simply within urself. The power to forgive because u have been forgiven. The power to smile when ur world is crumbling. The power to laugh when ur critiqued n the ability to pray n love ur enemy. Now that doesn't mean that everyone is worth having ur love. U can love someone, pray for them n not associate urself with them. They don't have to be apart of ur life for u pray for them. It's like that family member no one deals with, u love them but u don't have em around or in ur business. Love urself enough to kno who is worthy of receiving ur love. Everyone isn't worth what u have to offer. Love yourself enough to remove urself from anything that doesn't promote ur purpose. If it doesn't help u grow, let it go. Don't settle for mediocrity when u have greatness within you. Love yourself.... 

Growth...

" You're so gorgeous..." "Your smile is so different" "You have a glow within you" "Something is so different"... Lately, I have been hearing this so much. My response is the typical, thank you or "really... well thanks" Not really paying much attention. Not really seeing what ppl were seeing. I have always believed I was cute. Pretty sometimes even. But gorgeous... Me... Gorgeous is Beyonce and em. The ones you see on the TV screen. Not the girl from SE with 3 babies with the crazy baby favaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa **pops tongue**... Last night I went to bible study, took a lot of notes. Pastor said something I have heard before but this time it struck me differently. Pastor said " You Gotta see it before you see it....You will never progress to the promise until you see it." He continued with his lecture... "Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world... the darkness of evil cannot dwell when you have the brightness of life (God) within you" Something kinda clicked. For years and  years, I listened to how ugly I was... How stupid I was. How I was this name and that name. Three years ago when I went to God and I cried out for him to save me. I cried out for him to save my son. I cried GOD HELP ME PLEASE. See what I did not know then was all I had to do was ask. What I did not understand then was the power of the tongue. Last night Pastor spoke "do you realize how much power you have when you speak. Life or death is a matter of the tongue...." I heard it before. It processed last night. I looked online at my recent pictures. I saw me. I see me. This me now, although I am very much a work in progress, this me now is most definitely different. I mean duh you're supposed to grow up and you're supposed to change. 6 years ago, there were less pictures of me. More of my children. I did not want to bring attention to myself. I didn't want anyone to look at me. I wore my hair tied under a pillowcase (I called it my muslim wrap) I didn't care for myself. I wore whatever. I said whatever. I had no regard for myself. My focus was solely on my children
and their father. I needed him to be happy with me. I needed him to see I did not want anyone but him and the only way for me to show that was to hid myself from the world. He was always very angry. Today, I am not that same person. I have grown to kinda understand life, love and all the in between. I am still making mistakes. My judgement is still off. Some days I don't want to leave bed and I just want to lay and around and enjoy my wine. But as I reflect, I see where I started, where I stood, what I have endured and where I am now and where I am going, this type of growth, only can come from God. I changed how I spoke. I am changing how I think. I am changing. The change started with my building with God.  Many don't understand it. Some will brush it off. But this growth can only be made by God. I am who I am because he is who he is. He saved me when I did not care enough to save myself. When my world crumbled, I mean I lost everything the person I gave everything too, the family I worked hard to keep maintain, the friends I did my best to impress. God took it all from me. Not to punish me. But to show me, all that I will ever need will come from him. As long as I have him, my new "glow" will shine brighter than before. My beauty is simply of reflection of God's grace and mercy. Without God I am nothing. God is moving within me... Thank God I don't look like what I have been thru.

<3 Brit Nicole

TWERK MILEY MILEY TWERKKKK....

So we are walking to the store. I am on my phone. The 5 year old is talking and I have mastered this art where I hear what she is saying and respond appropriately without her realizing I am not really paying attention (bad I know but she talks sooooo much there is no way I can keep up and still live my life). Then I noticed she stopped and she has her arms out in front of her as if she holding a baseball bat, her legs in an upside down V and her hips are moving from left to right. O_O WHAT IN THE SAM HELL ARE  YOU DOING?  "It's a dance mommy, is this dance ok Mommy" In a somewhat shocked "was this my 5 year old that just shook her ass in public like it was cute" voice, Where did u learn that? "Well, Demi did it at the baseball game and all the boys looked at her and the teachers laughed at her. But I knew you would be mad, I just wanted to show you then here is another dance, Beyonce did and she moved her legs like this".. "looking so crazy in love" she sang. I took a deep breathe. I kinda just gave her a weird look and I advised "no this is not ok. Ladies don't do that" "it's not lady like mommy" she asks. "If you won't do it with your daddy, don't do it" "OK I won't do it again". I didn't watch the VMA's. I had the preshow on briefly, ended up muting the TV and eventually going to bed. The next day the internet is going crazy. Miley Cyrus. Miley from Disney. She twerked her pale ass across the stage and right onto whatever his name is, Paula Patton husband, yea him. My girls did not watch it. Glad they didn't but after watching this and thinking about my own child, who knew it was wrong but wanted me to see it so I could correct her I guess, and then thinking about other little girls who do not have the mom to ask, "is this ok" or the little girls whom mom thinks it is cute and encourages it: This is the time to correct it. I have heard many opinions, "the white girl is trying to be black" although I am still confused by what is black about her bent over shaking her cheeks. My perspective is she needs attention. Her parents are going thru a divorce and she has so much money she doesn't know what to do with her self. She is lonely in a big world. Miley's world is crazy right now and what happens when your world is crazy, you can go crazy with it. Miley has turned to the media for the attention to heal pain much like the young girls who turn to sex/men when they want attention from their dad. As a parent, I feel like this is the time to teach our daughters, these people we look at on TV are famous yes but they are no different than you and I and are human. They live, breathe and experience life just as you and I do. Her galloping across a stage in a nude color bikini with her butt hanging and tongue swinging, is a cry for help. A scream for attention. We have to teach our ladies in training that, this route isn't the way to go. This is not how you want to be seen and this is not how you present yourself, not only for the world to see but for your family to see.

This morning I read an article and I wanted to share with you guys because it really worded this issue perfectly: From Mother To Daughter. 

I hope all mom's can read and relate and understand that this is something we all can learn/teach from.

Have a great day.

B. Nicole <3

EVERYONE AINT UR DAMN FRIEND....

In life you will experience many things. In life you will learn many lessons... The most valuable lessons I have learned lately... Be careful who you trust. Be careful who you call a friend and remember no one will have your back like you do....

Just think about it... Most of the problems you encountered have been because u trusted the wrong person, gave the wrong person the wrong title or u just didn't put urself first. I am not saying don't trust. Just be careful. I am not saying don't make new friends... Just be careful. and I am not saying to be selfish and put ur self first... Just be careful. Because everyone that is smiling in your face is not smiling to see you smile in return. Everyone is not put in your life to be their forever and everyone isn't here to be the friend to you as you are a friend to them... Life happens. Just be cautious. Don't harbor hate and live to please no one but yourself first....

B. Nicole <3

Just a few words....

Ok.. Just a few words that can make an impact depending on where you are in life.. I know there is an understanding that you have no control over who you fall in love with... There is nothing you can do to stop it or prevent... But you can control how you entertain feelings... So I just want to say a few words and leave them to meditate

"Do not fall in love with the potential... Fall in love with the person...."

Not everyone lives up to their potential but they will forever be the person they are. Some things may change but that person will still be that person....


Have a blessed day.

<3 B

Becoming a Parent...

At 16, there was no clear understanding of what it meant to be a parent. I knew I was pregnant. I knew a baby was coming. I knew the baby would belong to me. I knew that I would be responsible for her. Strangely enough I don't think I became a parent until later. I mean yes, I woke up with her during her infant stage, fed her, changed her, clothed her. I protected her. I provided for her. I loved her because well.... that's what your supposed to do. Love your child. But it wasn't until later that I understood what parenting meant. Parenting was really 24/7. I mean even when this kid was away from me, I still had to do a million things because she was coming back. Unfortunately my kid(s), which I  did not find out until later, does not come with a return policy. No exchanges. No refunds. No cash (or time) back. She was mine to keep.... Well this week, 10 years later, I had a like DUHHH moment. On Tuesday, Bri had a very important field trip she had to attend. Not only did she have to attend but she had to have a chaperon (she is the bad kid sometimes... it's a phase I hope) Two weeks ago, we called her dad. He said two weeks ago he would be there. He said two weeks ago he wouldn't miss it. She was too excited. My daddy is going on a trip with me. Well Monday, he texts "I wont make it tomorrow don't be mad" U see I expected it but she didn't... She texted him all Monday night; woke up Tuesday morning first thing she said was "did he call" Half awake I reply, "no response... and he isn't answering the phone" She walked away, I felt her disappointment and she doesn't know but I heard her crying. I didn't tell her but I was spazzing in my head. He was everything but the child of God in my mind. I wouldn't let her here me say it; I could never disrespect her dad to her. She is half of him. Disrespecting him is disrespecting her.... It 7:15a... bus leaves at 9am. No Chaperon. No trip for her. I start making calls. See I would have called out and took the trip with her but my boss sent me specific instructions DON'T CALL OUT TUESDAY... I'm thinking who could possibly go with her and  my last call, a close friend told me he could make it. AFTER falling to my knees to thank God for surrounding me with such great people. I rush her to school. On the way I tell her, Uncle J is going. Her attitude changes. Sign the permission slip she reminds me... I rush her off to school. She makes her trip... I make it to work. Uncle J saves the day.... Today, her sister graduates from Kindergarten and there is a photo of her dad and I and it was like DUHHHHHH this is what parenting about. See looking at the photo and the smiles you wouldn't know the details of our relationship. You would not know we don't get along. We argue at least twice a day and that man works my nerves and can bring out a side of me that you do not want to see. But I had a moment Tuesday and today, where I sat back and just took in the moment. I saw disappointment and happiness in my children. Tuesday, I could have reacted, I could have shown Bri I was upset and angry but would that have changed anything? It wouldn't make her dad appear. It wouldn't get her on that trip. I tried my best to find a solution and by the grace of God, it worked out. Today, although we do not get along a lot of the time, the smile my 5 year old had when her daddy lifted her up to take a picture with her parents. The excitement she had knowing "my daddy is coming to my graduation and Mommy u are coming to right" showed me this is what parenting is about. I could have said "well, I am not coming ur dad will be there and I don't like his a$$ blah blah blah..." but the bigger picture is... it's not about him nor I nor our failed relationship. It's not about anything else but the growth of these children and being better for them. If I do nothing else in life, I pray I continue to do right by the lives I have created. The lives I will impact most. The lives of my children. I could have success and money and anything else ppl may wish for but if I fail my children; fail as a parent, I have failed my purpose of being on this earth. Today, I am proud to be a parent.... 10 years in the making....

Being a Father ....

As Father Day approaches I just wanted to share my perspective as a single mother and what it means to me to be a father (for the sake of this blog we will pretend being a daddy and a father is the same thing)... I am not a man. I cannot tell you what it feels like to be a father. I do not know what it feels like to be a father. But as a daughter, I can explain what it means to me to be a father. I was born in 1986. My mother met my father 6 months after I was born. We do not share blood but to him that did not matter. To him I was his. I was created for him to love. As I grew, they went there separate ways. In my life, I only remember seeing my father cry one time. I was maybe 9 or 10. He moved with my grandmother after their divorce. He called me into his room. I remember he kept his back to me and he stared out the window as he explained he would not be able to see me anymore. Somethings had happened and mommy had decided he could no longer be apart of my life. I remember him turning to me and saying "just remember I love you more than anything you will always be my boo..." After that day, I remember sitting in the window as he picked up my brothers. Sad I couldn't go Sundays at 6, I would cry to myself. I would sneak on the phone to call him we would talk for hours. All about nothing but he would sit and listen to me talk and go on and on about nothing. Holidays were different. I did not have the excitement to run and tell my daddy what I wanted. I would have to sneak on the phone to call him and tell him. He would make deliveries to my school after we returned from Christmas break... until mom found out. She would take my gifts break them or simply throw them away. As I grew older, I rebelled. I was living in Upper Marlboro but I had to get back to SE. I had to see my daddy. I would catch the school bus, get to school and call a cab. Alabama Ave please. $70 one way. My daddy would fuss "she is back again. girl u need to be in school" I just wanted to see him and spend time with him. I didn't make it an every day thing tho. School would call my mom. We would argue. I'm almost her size now, I'm grown she cant tell me what to do. Life happened. I removed from my mothers home. Placed in Foster Care. I told my foster mother, I just want my daddy. and she made it happen. I would visit with my dad and then go back to the home. Go to bed and back to my dad. Only for a few hours. But it was better than nothing. He would buy me clothes and things I needed. My mom couldn't take them away. By 10th grade I was returned back to my mom. I convinced her to switch my school. My attention had changed from my daddy to my boyfriend. I couldn't be with my daddy but I could be with my boyfriend. I started getting into more and more trouble. Skipping school and running the streets with him. Talked to my daddy less. Saw him less. I still called when I could tho. I told him about my boyfriend. He laughed it off. I wasn't having sex at the time so as long as I wasn't having sex, the boyfriend was alright with him. Well that changed in April 2002. I had sex. Didn't tell dad tho. Didn't tell anyone. I got arrested shortly after. Put out of school after that. That August I found out I was pregnant. That was not something I wanted to tell Daddy. My mom called me every whore in the book and then she asked me "is your father, the father of that baby" I was humiliated. I was embarrassed. My boyfriend wasn't my boyfriend any more... I couldn't see my daddy. I didn't have my mom. I just had my baby. Right before school started, my dad came to pick up my brothers. Usual Sunday @ 6. I went out side. It was time to tell him. I stood on his girlfriends side of the car. A full hobo sweat suit 80 degrees outside. I yell thru the window "Daddy Im pregnant" He didn't believe me. Just said u lying. Ur lying. I lifted up my hoodie and the belly was there. His first statement "u know u fucked ur life up" I couldn't say anything. I just went back into my house. I eventually moved out of my mom's house again. Moved with my grandmother. I visited with my dad more often. We would go on dates. Dinner and movies. Shopping for the baby. My daughter was born he was the first one to visit. He told me "this will be hard but you can do it. I will always love you no matter what" My daughter grew and eventually I moved with him. I started working two jobs to provide for us. I remember getting paid and my check was $600 and I was so excited to show him. He looked at my check and said thats what u made in two weeks.... O_o... with pride I said YES. He pulled a check out of his pocket and said "this is what I made today" I immediately quit my job and returned to high school. I graduated a year late but he pushed me thru summer school and my last semester and high school. I started working again. Now that I was older, and living with him there was never a moment where I needed him and he wasn't there. Even if he didn't want to be. He is an amazing daddy, he gets on my nerves at times but he never discouraged me, never belittled me. Never made me feel less than what I was. He is an amazing grandfather or "dad dad" as my son calls him to my now 3 children. He taught me what it means to be a father and I am so blessed that he chose me. 

My daddy was the first man to love me unconditionally. He taught me how to deal with disappointment, how to handle spiteful ppl and what it means to be a father and love unconditionally. I not once heard him complain about the child support he had to pay. He always made a way. No complaints about time he couldn't spend, he just made it happen best he could. I'm sure there were times he rather not been with his children, but we never knew it. Despite the circumstances, he made sure we knew just how much he loved us not just with his words but with his actions. We were his main priority. Being a father is more than buying the latest clothes, keeping up with the latest shoes. To be a father means to be there even when u don't want to be, to teach lessons and instill values. To create a path for your children to follow and to ensure their future is brighter than they may realize. A father is the first man their daughter's will love and the man their son's aim to be like. A man makes a difference simply just by being a father. 

I'm still here...

Originally written: 04.2013

IIt has been a while... Not that I don't have  much to say... I always have a million things to write about.... Have you ever found yourself in a situation where u do not know what to do? Your heart tells you one thing... Mind tells you the opposite. Prayers seem unanswered ... Emotions all over the place. Just because u feel something you do not have to entertain the feelings, right?? If something is so wrong, why does it feel right, right? Maybe God is trying to teach you something... but then the question becomes what? God what are you showing me because I am ready to take my lesson and move forward... Life is harder without guidance. God is your guidance... But what do you do when you feel like God has abandoned you? Is he saying wait... He didn't leave ... Trying to teach you patience. Life is confusing enough without added stress...until next time....  

My Stage

In a room surrounded by so many who love n support me thru everything...However, there are whispers as I walk by n all I can do is keep moving. Head up smile bright. No shame. Headed for the stage. When I get there idk what to do, won't know what to say but I just know that's where I'm headed. So the whispers won't stop me, the looks slow me n I stop...briefly... to see who's looking but I still push thru the thick crowd. A fight breaks out slows my path, I pause again. Gain my composure take a few more steps. They ask a million questions, "why does she walk like that, talk like that, she coulda walked the other way" Along the way someone grabs me we talk for a bit..he walks with me for a little while...He follows my lead but he should be leading me... he's cute nice but fake as the rest. No loyalty like so many others...  Thought he knew me thought he loved me, no different... I slowly back away... He grabs me pulls me closer... I rip myself from his grasps... Regain my composure take a few more steps. Headed to the stage...I have to get there.. I don't know what I'm gonna say when I get there, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I just know I have to get there n I will get there soon. A few drinks spill on me, maybe some were thrown. Slows me down but I keep going... It's getting closer, the crowd is thick. I continue to push my way thru. Not easy but I do it. Security asks "are you ready" they were waiting for me. See I knew on this stage is where I should be. Idk what I'm doing. Idk what I'm gonna say. But I'm finally here at this stage n I smile. N take my position.... Front and Center....


** The room I stand n is actually not a room. The room is my daily surroundings. I'm surronded by spectators, many who pass judgement. Those who attempt to slow me on my path to the stage (path thru life) but just note how some things may slow me down but regardless I will get to where I'm going. All goals will be met...Regardless. My stage is my destiny, a place only for me designed by God... Only God can Judge me so who the fuck are you? Its love. Its life. Its mine. ♥ **

Originally written in 2009...

I don't need a man... WHOA WHOA WHOA

What happened to the time when needing a man was ok? It is like a preconceived notion now that to need someone means you are weak... WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF... I look at my grandparents ... I speak to my grandmother and at 80 years old she still will proudly say she needs her husband, she would not know how her life would be without him... but today.... Needing a man?! TUH, It is foolishness. Ur weak cuz u need that man. Is it why today, there are so many single parent households? Is is because women seek the need to prove they are just as strong if not stronger then men?? Now do not get me wrong... single mother of 3 small children, two girls and a boy, I know what I am capable of. I know that I am strong enough to manage without a man but am I wrong when I say nothing is wrong with needing a man. I am learning that there are so many things that I cannot do, regardless of my strength, regardless of my perseverance, regardless of my faith in God there are somethings that I just cannot do like a man can do. I can get things done, doubt me not but there is nothing like having a man to do it. I can tell my children daily and show them with my actions how much I love them but it is something about "daddy" that I can not provide them. My son loves his mother to death but his daddy is who he will look to when it comes to becoming a man and I am perfectly OK with that. Relationships today suffer because the woman has stood to be the man, when baby I know your capable of doing but have a seat and let this man be the man, if not why did u choose him? I know today we have an issue with men being boys...

But I promise u if u take a moment n trust Urself enough to trust ur own judgement n trust the Man U chose he shall

lead u correctly. Now I say that with the hopes that its clear that he is being led by God. I hope u choose a leader based on who he is following n not how he looks or how much money he has spent. A man who has God first can not lead u down the wrong path. Trust in him. Let that man be a man. We need it. Not hat for u but for us. Our children need this man to lead. We need our men to feel confident enough in themselves to lead. Where does this confidence come

from? The woman. When u believe in man, u will be amazed to see what that man will do. President Obama stated "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded … that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.” It is ok to need a man. It is ok to trust a man.

But just make sure God created this man for u. 

Pray for him n urself because before u need a Man. U will need God.

Happy Father's Day to our leaders, the foundation to our families, the teachers n coaches of our lives, the head of the support systems n the other half

our children, genetics or not. Being a father is being the difference.

I hope u all get the appreciation n acknowledgement u deserve. 

My Family...

I used to think a family portrait was incomplete without him. I used to think pictures that didn't include him were ugly.... Dumb... stupid...I used to hate pictures without him in it. It was more than the picture for me. It was the image. Being a young mother of children by two different men. The babymother that I didn't want to be. Two or three mother days ago my aunt gave me a photo. I didn't remember taking it ... It was in a frame. A frame that had the word family across the top... Down the side... All over ... FAMILY. The picture was pre Ju.... Just Me, Jai n Bri ... (Oh n Kayla Bri's pet turtle at the time that Jai later murdered by squeezing it out of its shell) it was my family. I looked at it n tears stress down my face. I was looking at reality via a picture. It was an extremely hard pill to swallow but what I didn't see in that picture... I didn't see unhappy children ... I saw these two beautiful brown (it was the summer they tan so well) babies with these big beautiful smiles with their mother who **gasps** was smiling too!!! That moment .... I knew we would b jus fine. We would b ok. We were a family. A complete family.... It was not the family I planned... Nor the family I dreamed. It's better .... Last night as I braided the 5 year old's hair I had a moment of contentment. The oldest cut up strawberries n handed them to her siblings ... They ate quietly as I braided. We are a unit .... N they are mine. I love the family I created. Now don't get my wrong I would love to have a husband but right now, I am ok with where we stand. God leads us n we are in a great position despite our struggles. We don't always get along (that almost 10 year old has hormones JESUS!!!) but we will get thru because well... That's just what families do. We are all we have... <3 B.Nicole

Oh those are feelings... Well this is just dumb...

Can u stop ur self from thinking of someone? Can you stop yourself from feeling something? Can u control who you are attracted too?? These questions run thru my mind. Ur answer should be Yes! Yes u can control yourself n ur thoughts n ur emotions... So what do u do when u find Urself in a situation u knew u shouldn't be. When u find Urself caring for someone who should just be ur friend. Make the attraction go away😫😫😫. U kno they say life happens... But certain things n life u can avoid. He was something I knew I should have avoided. Everyone told me not to... But I do what I want to do... If I feel like it's right I'm gonna do what I want. Every girl has been n this position before. Ur friends telling u no but ur not listening. He was beautiful to me. Unlike anything I had ever seen. It wasn't his physical appearance. It was his heart. I listened to his life stories n we had traveled similar paths. I enjoyed hearing him talk. One of my favorite memories was of us talking until the sun came up about things that mattered to him and being able to listen to his thoughts ... He intrigued me. I admired him for the man he was. Looked forward to texts from him. Looked forward to Saturday nights with him when I could find the time of course.. just looked forward to him. He held my hand in public ... I mean people were around to see n he held my hand! He opened doors for me. Walked beside me n not two steps ahead of me. He even hugged me on the public street!! He laughed with me... I could be me with him. I didn't have to wear my hair down if I didn't want. I could be my Tom boyish girlie self n he was ok with that!!! 😳 **gasps** Something about him woke something up n me. He pushed me to change n to this day, I don't think he knows it. I did a lot of things differently because of him. He raised the bar. Despite what my friends said... He was my boo on the low. Unfortunately, situations did not allow us to become anything we were just having fun ... At least he was. For me it wasn't fun anymore. I liked him **gasps** the person who never likes anyone.Well like they say its all fun n games until someone catches feelings... Lol... I liked him. I shouldn't have but I did n I hated every minute. It was so bittersweet. I had to say goodbye to someone I allowed "In". He said he wanted us to remain friends but I couldn't b his friend. I just couldn't because well I liked him n u don't like ur friends like I liked him. I mean that's what we were. Friends. Y can't he b my friend now because I couldn't control my emotions ... I couldn't stop the attraction... because I couldn't control my thoughts we can't be friends?!? When I saw him I saw a friend yes. But I also saw someone I was interested in. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. I just wanted the opportunity to learn him. But I knew better. I knew it would not happen... So the question stood be his friend or lose him completely. I battled myself. I told him I couldn't be his friend. I hadn't contacted him n a week. Still thought about him everyday. Still smile when certain songs play on the radio. I still envision his laugh n his smile.. Well... This is just dumb. I have to turn whatever it was off. I don't want to feel this... He was my drug. I was high off him. These emotions take them away. I like me better when I like no one. Don't come around n change things for me. My world was content before him. This is just dumb... So what did I do?! I'm not his damn friend. I pray for him n keep high hopes that he is happy in his life. N I try to move on. He won't b the last guy... But he surely set the standard for the next guy...
The lesson I learned from this... Sometimes it's ok to listen to ur friends. At this stage n life they may have experienced things u have not... May know things u don't or even see things u cannot. They are your friends for a reason .... Trust them enough to assist u in decision making.... I'm too stubborn for my own good 😁

Do NOT let evil win...

Last week was rough... I lost someone who was close to me... Everyone who knows me knows I do not allow many in my circle. There are few who can tell you about Brittany. There are many speculations...a lot of assumptions but I can count on my hands those who really know me. Those who know me know how much I hate to lose someone I allowed "in" That is something I constantly struggle with. I have lost so many that comprehending new lost hurts deep. An old wound reopened over and over which means it never really heals. I lost my biological father... I lost my mother. I have lost friends and I have lost family. Growing up with the feeling of no one understanding you and being alone can only be described by saying: it hurts. My first encounter with suicide occurred when I was watching TV a man killed himself and my perspective was he was finally free. He was pain free. He did not have to deal with guilt nor any other emotion he was free. When I was maybe 12 or 13, I remembered feeling like I could not go on. I remember feeling overwhelmed. I wanted my dad to be there. I needed my mother. I needed someone who understood me and to tell me they loved me as weird as I was. They loved the pale freckle face slightly overweight girl with the big bush. I needed someone to protect me from this cold crazy world. My friends weren't around and my siblings were doing there own thing. It was just me alone in a cold world. I remembered the guy on TV. I remembered the perspective of being free. I wanted that feeling. I remember my siblings were in the basement. My mother locked in her room with her then boyfriend. I went into the kitchen and I grabbed a knife. I walked up the stairs went in the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I tried to cut my wrist like the movie. It didn't work. Something told me to get out the tub and show my mother. I did. I banged on her door. Tears streaming down my face. Knife to my neck. She didn't open the door at first. When she did, she laughed, "what are you going to do with that" She laughed at me while I cried. She took the knife told me to go find something to do. How dumb was I that I couldn't even kill myself right?! I called my father on the phone and I talked to him. I did not tell him what I did but I just said "Daddy I love you" He replied "I love you too boo..." Those words never left my mind...I begin to remind myself, I am The Boo, my daddy's boo and he loves me. As I grew I learned more about myself. I was introduced to God. I learned just how selfish I was being. I did not realize how many people really did care about me. How selfish would I have been to take me away from them. How selfish would I had been not to give my future children the chance not to enter this world, had I been successful... Lately, I have been informed of  and experienced so much suicide and it hurts deeply. Not for myself but for those who have to live thru this. The basketball player who may have made it had he not given up. The mother of 3 who will never be able to see her children graduate college. The young girl who never experienced the joys of life. The young boy who did not know his father did love him he just had a hard time showing it. Suicide should not have been the answer but for them, it made it better. So for anyone who reads this and  are considering suicide, please take a second thought... even a third... Not for yourself but for those around you. Those who you do impact, those who do love and care about you. Consider the pain you will cause once your "pain" is relieved. Understand that God has blessed you with something so great: the gift of life. The opportunity to try again and even if u get it all wrong, at least you were giving the opportunity that many others have not been given. There is someone somewhere today that did not wake up that really wanted to... They wanted to wake up and rush to the job they hated but paid the bills. They wanted to go out Saturday with their friends, they wanted to see their children off to school. But they did not get the opportunity because God felt their time was up. Suicide is selfish. It says I am thinking of myself, it says God I know you decided to wake me up this morning but f*ck it, I don't want it. Your throwing your blessing back into God's face. You have to understand there is so much more to this life and yes you will come to hard times, you will go thru pain but have faith. Not only in yourself but have faith in your God because he is showing you favor simply by putting you thru the pain. You cannot appreciate good times until you have experienced bad times. The times when you feel that you are alone the most, those are the times you should turn to God. God in the darkest hour just turn and depend on him. I promise things will get better once you put ur faith in the right place. Do not depend on man, man will fail you every time. Be grateful that God allowed you the opportunity to try again. Even if you do not see it today, tomorrow or one day soon you will open your eyes to realize someone somewhere has or had it a lot worst than you ever could. For those who are reading this and suicide is not an option, tell ur friends/family daily how much you love them. Remind them that they are appreciated. Tell them how hard life would be without them. Many people considering suicide do not reach out, not because they do not want to but because they think no one will care. We take so much time out to do so many unimportant things, please take a moment to say something kind to someone you care about. It may save their life.... 

<3 B. Nicole