Thursday, November 8, 2012


Originally written: June 26, 2012

10.10.10. The night that changed me forever. I remember going out n partying drinking n drinking n more drinking. I didnt party often because I had the girls so when I got my break that night I didn't think twice. The logistics of the night are still up in the air ... Who called who? Y was the call even made? The most important question: DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT??? Needless to say, 5 weeks later the answer to the question was confirmed with a HELL YES WE DID. Damnit. Pregnant. Again. 24. 2 kids. Not married. What was I gonna do??? I remember taking the dollar store pregnancy test and when the results showed positive, I knew that cheap ass test was wrong. So I grabbed my friend and rushed to the ER. "I don't know whats wrong doctor but something is wrong", "are you pregnant", "can we just to check to
make sure I'm not" she returns. "so how many other kids do u have" "other kids. Bitch did u just tell me I'm pregnant" later for her rudeness I thought to myself. "how far am I" was my next question. They whisked me away to do an ultrasound and there it was this little circle with a little flashing thing. "what am I looking at lady" Well this is the embryo and u see that blinking, that's the heart. My eyes grew bigger than life. It has a heartbeat. OMG what am I gonna do???? My daddy is gonna kill me!! A million thoughts raced thru my head. See I was dating someone and I knew he cared for me but see that one night I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to be home in my bed. Sleep. Comfortably . To much alcohol makes a messy mommy and I just wanted to go home. And when I woke up... He was there. Lord what am I gonna do? Smh. I leave the hospital. Go to pick up my girls. I walk in the house and well it's dinner time. So dad says "everything ok girl" I
mumble... Yes. "no babies right" I reply... "well..." he looks up... I just look at him n think don't give me the disappointed face just don't give me that face. He shakes his head. "so what u gonna do" "I don't know dad" he replies, "u know, just hope u kno what ur doing" I couldn't find the words... I go home. I start a text ... I'm
Pregnant... I couldn't press send. I wait. Tend to my girls. I grab the phone. Dial his number. He answers n his I'm sleep but I saw it was u so I answered voice, "hello" "I'm pregnant" "what" tears stream "I'm pregnant" phone goes quiet. "how" "huh" "nothing, so what u gonna do" I don't respond. That was the question of the day. Few days pass. We pretend it doesn't exist. I schedule my first appt. I tell him. He says"so we gonna have a baby" my reply "yes I'm not having another abortion" he says ok. Days pass. We argue more n more as the time gets closer to the first appt. He requests I abort. "we don't even get along to have another baby" I ignore him. U don't have to go thru that. U said u wouldn't put me thru that again... My thoughts linger. First appt comes. Goes. Schedule an ultrasound. Go to ultrasound n there it is again. IT'S BLINKING AT ME!! . He is quiet the entire appt. The one question he asks, "is it to late to get an abortion" Doctor asks, "r u planning to terminate" my reply, "he is... I'm having a baby. What's my due date doctor" he replies between July 1 and 5th to early for an exact date. I laugh to myself. Thinking, thank you God what a great birthday gift of course in the most sarcastic manner ever. I go to work. I see him. The guy I'm dating. I don't tell him. But he knew something was up. I stopped calling. Didn't text. Avoided eye contact. See I didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve that. I had to process this whole thing. Eventually he finds out. He hates me. I continue with my routine. In my head Im confused. What are u gonna do??? The dad doesn't want it. My family is looking at me like I'm crazy. Friends are just excited its a new baby. I'm just in a state of shock. I go to my doctors appointments as scheduled. December  I take my daughter to dance. I'm so tired. His mom invites me to breakfast. I politely decline I just want to sleep. She volunteers to take my girls. I go home. Plan to wash n clean. I fall asleep and sleep from 10 to 4pm. Wake up to a million. I call to check on my girls. He answers, where u been? My reply, sleep! Thinking hello dummy there is a kid growing and taking all my energy. He says, "ur daughter told my sister that if the baby is mine we are getting married" still half sleep it didn't process. What did u say?? "is it my baby" WHAT?!? I was so taken aback by the question. How the hell? Why the hell? This is not happening. After endless arguing. I reply "tell ur mom have my girls ready I'm coming to get them" We meet at the McDonald's. I tell her, your son seems to think the baby is not his... I go onto tell her about what they said my baby said. I defend her, she is 8 what does she know about DNA. If any adult **sneers at his sister** feels my child is not ur son's don't put it on my child speak. She immediately jumps up in response, calls me everything but a child of God in front of my children. I keep my composure. Until she says "ur own daughter called u a hoe". My brain did not process the thought of being pregnant. What you won't do is lie on my child continuously. At this point it was almost an altercation. His mom in the middle so I do not swing I do not want to hit her. Next best thing, I cough up the most spit I could n I spit into her face. In front of my children. Pissed was an understatement. She calmed down after the spit hit her. I got into my car and sped off. Children in the backseat. Everyone crying, he calls. Yelling. "u lucky u weren't there, I woulda hit U with my car" I hang up. We get home. They have questions, to many to remember. What always stood out was the statement my oldest made, "mommy I never said those things auntie said I said. I wouldn't say that about u but what's a hoe" I broke down, in my kitchen holding two small girls who had no understanding of what they just witnessed. We all cried. That night we watched movies until they fell asleep. My mind wouldn't let me sleep. I remember praying until I feel asleep. I woke around 2am and started cleaning. As I cleaned I cried. Before I fell asleep I remember pleading with God. Just tell me what to do and I will listen. I promise, just help me figure this out. As I cleaned I came across this calendar a friend had given me. It was one of those calendars that gave a scripture each month. I opened it to the month my son was conceived. October. The scripture was from the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah was always a special name for me because before my middle child was born we were pregnant and his name was Jeremiah. Jeremiah was speaking to me this morning. I read the scripture,  Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. (Jeremiah 1:5 KJV). I read it again. Again. I cried. I prayed. God this is my son that I prayed for. I don't know why this is happening now. But I trust u. At that moment I had decided my son would b born. No questions. God told me. This was the boy I always wanted although I didn't know the sex, God told me. I was sad inside but happy at the same time. The situation couldnt have gotten any worst but I was having a baby. I continued with my appointments. My brother tries to make most so I won't b alone. They tell me I'm at risk for losing the baby. I pray and don't worry. January comes. Time to determine the sex. His dad comes and like I said, it's a boy. Everyone is happy. He still mentions abortion. Blames it on finances. We aren't ready. I pay him no attention. Valentines day comes. He buys me my favorite Victoria secret. We have dinner and for once we feel like a family. All is well. So I thought. I get a message from a female from his past Asking about our relationship. I'm confused where did u come from? He's with us all the time. Huh?? I don't want drama she says. Just the truth. I listen to her. My son isn't his she tells me. You trapped him but u really don't know who the father is. Huh?? I call him. What's wrong baby. Nothing she wants her dad can we come to u, he replies it's midnight but ok come on. I drive to him the whole time listening to everything he had been telling her. Lies on top of lies. I was crushed. I get to him. Baby what's wrong I see it. I request he take my daughter into the house, it's late she is tired I mean it's almost 1am. He complies. Comes back out to my car. I ask about her. He denies her. "I stopped tlking to her way before u got pregnant, we can call her right now" he is looking me in my face lying! I was irate. "no need to call her, she is on the phone listening to you" his facial expression changes. He is angry. Yelling at her "this is my family u stupid f*ckin b*t ch" pregnant and all I wail into his face. As if he was not man and can kick my pregnant ass if he wants. I punch n punch until he grabs me, yelling calm down your pregnant! I don't care get ur lying ass out my car I scream. I hate u for how u've ruined my life. Baby please calm down he pleads.  He doesn't want to get out the car. I'm crying. I cannot believe how stupid u are I yell. He screams back u were dating another how do I know that's not his baby. Those words pierced me. Brought me back to reality.  I calmed down and requested he exit my vehicle. He did but asked me to call so we could talk. I agreed. I lied but I agreed. I drive home. Praying God give me strength. This won't be easy for me .i pray until I get home and I sleep in peace. I woke up refreshed and I decided that day. This is my son and I will focus on him. From that day forward I did my best to stay cordial and drama free. It worked for the most part. I wanted my son to be a healthy happy boy. In Feb I was hospitalized. I was carrying my daughter and slipped on ice. To prevent her from hurting herself I took the impact of the fall. The baby was ok but they noticed he had 6 cysts on his brain. Worried was an understatement. Here I am alone in this hospital. God just please don't let my baby die. I prayed and prayed. I was released told to take it easy. Started seeing specialists. We are just gonna have to wait it out. Again I prayed. Put my trust in God. Didn't worry any more. Continued with my appointments. April I decided I wanted to put the question of his DNA to rest. Completed a DNA test. Had to wait 2 weeks for the results. Meanwhile I had my first baby shower. I decided to do two since the results wouldn't be back and I wanted his family to be sure prior to coming. May 14. DNA test confirmed, you are the father. I emailed those results to everyone who ever uttered anything negative about my son. Wanted to put the results on the babyshower cake and shove it into his face. Thank God my daddy talked me out of that. Second babyshower came. His family didn't show. He came at the end. Car trouble. It's fine. I enjoyed my day with my family. Next thing I know its June and the doctor says, "u need to have sex! Get that baby out" I refused. I'll walk. Every week no baby. They scheduled an induction for July 5,2011. Whoop the day after my 25th birthday. I'm ready. July 1,2011 I decided let me go walk to make labor easier. I grabbed my girls and my puppy my brother brought me for mothers day and we headed to grand dad's house. Up Alabama Ave to Naylor Rd. it started raining so my brother picked us up. Rain over. Let's walk some more. Start going down Eerie up 30th down Alabama ave. we were walking. Everyone was tired. I get home. The girls dad pick them up to give me a break. I decide to mop my apartment. I feel a contraction. I ignore it. Another. I say"lil boy if ur not coming sit still, I'm trying to clean". Another comes. Another comes. I call my brother. Hey I'm not sure if this is real but just be close. Another comes. I continue to mop. I tell myself to cal the doctor Once I'm done the dining room. I call. She says come in 3rd babies come quick. I ignore it mop some more. Than the sharpest contraction ever. I call my brother COME NOW! my hard headed self never packed my bag so I'm running (trying to at least) grabbing what I can. By the time my brother arrives I have slowed to a crawl. Labor hurts! We get up the stairs and out he door. Silver Spring was so far from SE that night. We pull up this lady asks do u need a wheel chair, I say no I'll walk. Took a step n screamed for the chair. They get me to LnD triage. I'm 8cm 90% effaced. The boy is coming and coming fast! I call his dad where are you please hurry!! They rush me to delivery. Everything is happening so fast all I remember was hoping his dad made it in time. He cant miss the birth of his son. I'm crying calling where are you! He says I'm on my way calm down I'm coming. They prep me to push. I'm not ready. His dad isn't here. I push twice. It's 11:15. His dad walks in. Julian LaRon was born at 11:31pm. 7 pounds 1oz 23 1/2 inches long. All the doctors said, "he is going to be a big boy." After all the chaos n drama, I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Sunday, July 1 we celebrate our first year together. It was not the easiest year. It was far from perfect but thru it all we had each other. I'm his biggest fan, his main supporter and I will forever stand behind him. Happy 1st Birthday to my first and only son. May God continue to bless us with many more days together...

B. Nicole <3

1 comment:

  1. I promise you I sat here and nearly cried over this. I am so thankful to have learned more specifically about the shit you've endured. I am thankful to be a part of the supporters you have, the ones who know you are beautiful, a strong woman, wonderful mother, and destined to be and have all that you desire. It is unfortunate that you have people near you who are willing to try to keep you down, count you out. It is unfortunate for them, though, not for you. You are better for cutting them loose, not feeding into the bullshit, and focusing on your family and YOURSELF. Remember that taking care of you has to happen before you are 100% for them. That said, give no one the ability to keep you from being you and don't ever feel like you have to hoop jump to get love. You deserve better. You will get better.

    The boys. They are different from the girls and though we know how important our relationship with our girls is, it is just...different with the boys.