Monday, November 12, 2012

U should stay because...

Read something this morning... took me back a place I hadn't visited in a while... It said "if something is meant to be it will be and if it's not things will still be OK, so learn to pray and walk away!!!! Forcing someone to be with you that doesn't want to be, will only leave YOU unhappy in the end...If someone wants to walk away LET THEM...never hold onto someone that has already let go of you. In the words of T.D. Jakes, DON'T try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you or staying attached to you.Know when to say goodbye!! And never try to sabotage what someone else has in order to get them to be with you. If God sees two people are not fit HE will take care of that, He doesn't need your help in making that decision for Him".... Ya see in 2005 when I met him you couldn't tell me we weren't perfect together... U couldn't tell me we wouldn't be together forever... See in 2005, I had myself together (so I thought) I was 19.. had a decent paying job.. a car. my daughter was well taken care of. hair and nails done every two weeks. The only thing I didn't have was an apartment. My friends were great. My cousin was my best friend. Everything was great in my life. It was August, my family was giving a going away cook out for my best friend/cousin who was going away to Towson. I was happy for her, kinda wished I could go away with her but I had Bri I couldn't leave her. So here we are enjoying our family time, we swim. I love the pool. We go to change and well my cousin being my best friend knows my love for cars. Especially older cars. She yells out BRIT IMPALA IMPALA. Clothes half on I run out the bathroom to see this beautiful car that I am so deeply in love with at the time. I catch it just in time to see it drive by. I turn to her and say that's gonna be my car one day and before I can finish the sentence the car is backing up. My thoughts oh lord come on cousin lets go. They stop... they speak. We speak. They get out of the car. The driver. This tall funny looking guy with no hang time starts talking to me. His friend talking to my cousin. They are laughing. We speak a little. He has a nice smile but he looks dirty. holy shorts and a wife beater. Fabric boots aka Chucks. We exchange numbers. I remember us talking on the phone a little. Not really often. His friend and my cousin spoke more than he and I did but some how that brief introduction lead us to a 7 year on-off again married but we not married baby mother baby daddy relationship. I remember the day I introduced him to my than 2 year old daughter. He pulled up in his car and she yelled "squad up" ... She didn't know this man her mother was getting out of the car with. That day changed our lives forever. Would I take it back.... ummm not to sure yet. However, I remember this feeling of knowing that he would be with us forever and thinking how perfect it would be. I mean there were "little" things.. "small" things that I would ignore.. like his quick temper and his ability to manipulate. I mean that didn't matter cuz all in all he loves us. Oh yea and the fact that he lied about him having children that day when we met. He had a handsome son. But I mean ppl tell white lies all the time. It's ok, all is forgiven right?? I remember one night, him asking my cousin and I to hang with him and his friends. We went. He left said he would be right back. My cousin had left. I was with his friends. Waiting on him to get back. He never returned. His friend took me home and told me than, "don't talk to him anymore... he aint no good. He left u to go hang with some other females" I thought to myself, he didn't do that something came up. I didn't believe it friend. He called the next day and everything was ok. Than he disappeared and he wouldn't answer my calls. So I texted him about a dog. I knew he would respond. He loves dogs. He did. and we picked up right where we left off.  Well... we had issues .. I mean all relationships do. But we were determined to work thru it. It was US vs Them... I was the Beauty.. he was my beast. Corny but that was the love story we had in my mind. I would buy him things just to remind him how much I cared about him. I remember one year spending $200 on a coat for his birthday... We moved together in January 07. It was random. No one knew. There was no preparation... no time to request the advice of others and really there were no others. All of my friends hated us being together. My cousin hated me because of him. My best friends weren't talking to me because well as I said my mindset was US vs Them and it would always be that. Feb 07 I found out I was pregnant. Everyone asked me not to do this to myself. I was determined to get an abortion. But the advice of my "loving" mother, she took me to talk to him and he begged me not to kill his baby. He promised to be there thru everything. I believed him. Our relationship was always rocky but when he found out about this child on the way. It was better. He wasn't as insecure, didn't accuse me of cheating as much. Didn't call me as many names. I remember one day  feeling so happy. The next day feeling so lonely. See I had developed this new life. All my friends were gone. I had his family as my friends. Holidays were with his family and all my time was with him and his family. I grew to love them as if they were my own. They represented everything I never had. Our daughter was born. His mom and sister were in the room. None of my family were there. I made all these sacrifices to keep him happy. I remember missing my friends soooo much. After her birth, we were back to normal. I was unhappy he was angry. Life was no fun but we pretended to be perfect this was our family. I began to resent him... I put so much into this for it to fail. Where did I go wrong??? I don't give up tho. I stick it thru. Continue to try and make things work. A close friend of my passed away... I walked in the house after the funeral, he was playing madden. Didn't even look up at me. Didn't ask if I was OK. He assumed I had been with a guy that day. He later brought it up in an argument. The words pierced me. The  man I worked so hard to keep in my life and the man that I sacrificed so much for. How could he think this about me?? I began to change at that point. I started to go out more with my old friends (it is true about friends, if they are real nothing can tear u apart) I remember seeing my ex and thinking I let u go for him? that was so dumb! But it was to late to leave. We had a daughter plus my daughter and his son. We were a family. I didn't cheat but he thought I was. Our story of insecurities could go on and on and on. We decide in 2009 to move out of apartment. Maybe things will get better. He moves with his dad and I move with my dad. We aren't broken up but we aren't together... In September 2009, he decides we are done he cannot take it. I am devastated. Don't let our family go like this. I begged him to stay. Cried and argued my position. He refused. I had no choice but to accept it. It's a hard pill to swallow when u put ur everything into something and u end up with nothing. Back to the drawing board. I make a plan. I execute. I move out of my dads after a few short months. He and I are off and on until 2010 when I decided we were officially over with and done after more chaos and drama that I won't get into right now. 
My lesson from this: I should have let him walk away in 2005 when I had to trick him into calling me or when he left me with his friends. In 2006 when the gifts were a way to keep him interested and in 07 when I lost all of my friends and family because I chose him. If a person wants to be with you, nothing can make him/her leave... and as I learned, if a person doesn't want to be with you, nothing will make him/her stay. God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. Learn what to fight for and learn when to let go. Life is to short to waste time on someone who is not supposed to be there. and if u do not know, PRAY. God will show you what's for you.


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  2. I'm really proud of you kiddo. This story of yours here should be a learning lesson for many women and girls that are living this life. Hell my mother lived this life. If only females had this story before they went down that road. Alot of time and pain would be wasted. You probably can't help everyone as many learn by trial and error, but I still commend you for being open about what you have been through. You may have a calling here. Love ya!!!