Wednesday, November 14, 2012

It can get ugly... Before it get's Beautiful

Wow ... I know this ninja really did not just call me that? Did she call me that? He def called me that...She def just said that... I began to question myself... Was that what I was doing? How did my actions dictate that? Did he really mean that? Ultimately, my feelings were hurt. I had been judged by actions that I did not even commit. It's 2010.. I am 5 months pregnant. I am in a McDonald's parking lot arguing with my ex's sister over something that I did not even do. "that baby ain't his... you a hoe. Your own daughter said your a hoe" Fire filled my soul when those words left her mouth. I stepped back and without thinking grabbed my daughter's booster seat... His mom was in the way I couldn't throw it.. It would hit her and I love her don't want to hurt her. The next best thing... I coughed up the most spit I could and spit right in her face. " Did you just spit on me" As she walked away from my direction and into the passenger seat of her mother's car. I grabbed my children, threw them into the back seat and sped away. Livid. Angry. But more so hurt. The family I thought I had was not my family but his and they had chosen his side. Of course they should have they are his family but in my mind they were my family too... I remember crying that day because at that point I had lost all I had. My family, the one I created and the one I had joined. My self respect. My reputation. I lost myself in the mist of the chaos, I was no where to be found. In the mix of all the judgements, I had lost myself. I questioned me. What had I done for them to see me in the light? I wasn't sleeping around, it was just an accusation. I rarely spoke to people. All I had was them. Lost and confused. I prayed. I cried. Prayed more. I talked to my friends, "do u think I am a hoe" "what do hoes do" I can name every man I slept with. I can even tell u when we slept together. I never been involved in any trains. No smashing of the homies over here. I am many things but a hoe is not one of them. But if I am not a hoe, why would they say that about me. Why would they tell people these things? Why would they lie on me like this? I do not understand. Confused. I go to my father. (Best man in the world) and I am crying.. upset. Y would they say these things about me daddy? His first words "Fuck Them..." He continued... "I do not understand why you allow irrelevant shit to affect you.. these are words.. who gives a fuck what they say" Well, see I did because these words were more then words coming from a man who I had given so much too and loved despite everything we had been thru. They were more than words because he should not say these things about me. People will actually believe him because this is the man I was with for such a long time and he should know me better than strangers... Time passed.... He called me more names. worst names. and I remember one day seeing something that said "it's not about what your called but what you answer too... they talked about Jesus, why won't they talk about u" **light bulb**  That day changed my life. My daddy was right. See he wasn't just the man I spent all this time with. He was now classified as an EX. An EX that hated me because I gave up on him; I left him, the one thing I swore I would never do. He had so many reasons to say bad things about me because as the saying goes "if I can't have you, no one can" His actions proved that. From that day on, I heard so many things about myself... "I didn't know who my son's father was" "I was utterly obsessed with a man who wants nothing to do with me" "I had herpes and I sleep with anyone for attention" Although the things I heard were hurtful... They did not hurt me. It was actually funny. I began to laugh. I did what... with who? When? LOL... I eventually became flattered... Began to take it as a compliment that I am on the mind of so many that no longer have my attention... 

My lesson from this: You will be judged. People will talk. Let them. Everything does not deserve your attention. Be you despite what they say. In the end, God created you uniquely and as beautiful just as you are. You will never be perfect but no one else is. Also, be careful about what you say about others. Don't pass judgement on another situation. God has a way of using the enemy as your footstool. Don't down another to move ahead. Use your words to lift up rather than beat down. You never know who appreciates what your saying and it's hard to take back what's already been said. Finally, those closest to you will hurt you the most, some may not be intentional, some maybe... some may apologize, some may not. Forgive them anyway. They may not know or understand how deep they have hurt you. Pick ur battles wisely.

B. Nicole <3

1 comment:

  1. Truth. You will always be judged. We can't live our lives trying to make others happy, trying to get others to see us as we know we are. Our kindness may be taken for granted, our patience may be taken as being a push over. As long as WE know we are worthy of better, that no one can change us from the awesome that is us, believe in your daddy's words: fuck 'em.