But God...

Lately, I have been working on improving my relationship with God... I was not exactly raised in the church... I actually hated going to church... All these people... crying... jumping...screaming and hollering... and it always made us late for football... You see I was confused... I did not understand because my mother would take us to church on Sunday, by Tuesday, she was yelling about whatever..by Friday I was convinced she hated being our mom.. But Sunday comes, put on ur best clothes and ur best smiles and well.. fake it til you make it. She would even hug us ... She was the Mega beast but at Church she became a whole new person. She did not yell, she did not curse, she did not scream. If we got out of line she would pinch but that's as worst as it got... So I resented the church. Y come here and be fake?! God don't care none about me... If he did... the person I share DNA with would be alive.. and the other one... she would be way less evil... I would never hurt if God was real because they said he was great and he never caused pain u know. Y would God allow a 15 year old girl to get pregnant... Y would God allow me to go to jail? Y would I lose the people closest to me? Y would God allow all that he allowed? I questioned everything about God. He is not real.... Until 2003 when my life was spared. I was involved in a serious accident. Worst part about it was THEY HAD TO CUT MY MACY'S PANTY AND BRA SET OFF!! How dare those paramedics!!! But no really, the worst part about the accident was my father... I hurt him. I felt so bad about that accident... I was stuck in a car upside down on 295. Daddy did not have on his seatbelt. Every flip, he flipped. Amazingly, he only had a gash on his head. I still cry inside when I think about it. He is ok but it is still my fault. That rainy day, on the way to Timbuktu, I was preparing my baby to go to eat with my daddy for lunch. My grandmother adamant about her not going.... "leave the baby here" she begged, "its raining"... I did not know I would soon be flipping down 295 ... Thank God for stepping in because the window the EMT pulled me out of... would have been where her carseat was... the vehicle was done... But I had my life... my dad had his life. My daughter had her life. That day I could not do anything but Thank God.... It could have been worst. I could have been dead. From that point on, I made an effort to communicate with God. Just to say thank you but that was it.. nothing more. Until maybe in July/August, I suddenly needed more. I felt lost like I had no place. No purpose. Things weren't exactly horrible but they could have been better. I felt sad when I reflected on my life I saw no real accomplishments. I mean I am in school but it felt like I was becoming stagnant. I had 3 beautiful children but I was not married. I felt completely lost. My friend said, come back to church, you do not have anything else to do. I declined... I just was not ready.... One night I remember just crying being so sad and I prayed. This time I woke up and said "ma'am you are going to church" I went to church. July 1, 2012. I answered alter call. I joined. From that day on, I have been praying more and I actually go. I want to go. Now, do not get me wrong, I have not began this whole "my life is perfect... God saved me and now everything is going right" because it surely is not. I am still learning. I am still making mistakes but God is still there. Remember how I always used to question God, especially while I carried my son. I would be angry and upset, Y would he allow these people to say these things about me? Do these things to me... Sunday, the pastor spoke from Mark. He spoke about Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus was the son of Timaeus whom was born blind. As Jesus left Jericho, Bartimaeus begged God for Mercy. God inturn healed Bartimaeus (we gonna call him Bart for short) So Bart basically wondered, why God would allow him to be born blind if he would eventually heal him. You see God allows things for a reason. I am still learning but I can assure u, as God allowed Bart to go blind all those years. He will allow you to go thru all the trials and tribulations just so when its all said and done... You will be able to say... BUT GOD.... My point is...at 15 when I was running the streets fighting any and everyone who looked at me wrong... I could have been dead.. I coulda cut a major artery and bled out after one fight...BUT GOD said no... here is a baby..She will change ur life.... at 16 when that car crashed my life could have ended... My daughter could have been dead and I would not be here blogging about a bunch of nothing... BUT GOD stepped in and said Nope not yet... at 25 when I was alone and pregnant with this little boy and I had no one to turn to.. my family and friends... no one BUT GOD got me thru that.... I have had many BUT GOD moments... WHY ME GOD... and now I see... I understand... If God had never allowed me to go thru what I went thru, I would not be all that I am today. I maybe a lil crazy... yea I don't trust everyone... My circle is a little smaller... BUT GOD allowed all that for my best interest. So the next time, you wanna ask God, why me.... Look in the mirror and say, Why not you... You will have a story when it's all said and done. You will be able to tell the world, how no one BUT God was able to see you thru.... You cannot have a testimony without first going thru tests...

<3 B. Nicole.

I am a Parent...

Friday morning... we are running late... I am fussing.. Teeth brushed *check*  Face washed *check* Lotion/Moisturized *check* Clothes on... shoes tied.. book bag packed and ready to go... *check..check and check** Rush out the door. No morning prayer we are late and rushing today. Speed thru lights. Down Alabama ave. right onto side street. No kids in the alley this morning no need to slow down... Cross over street...thru alley quick right... Late but we made it to school in time for breakfast... "out the truck ladies" "wait ma.. lip gloss" UGHH I didn't give them lip gloss... OK... Lip gloss *check*... Two morning kisses... Two "I love you's have a good day..be good listen and be respectful"... Two kids walking away safely into a school building... Monday Morning... Dragging my feet... We are late... No fuss this morning... Teeth r brushed... faces are washed.. Today is a little different...  I did not place the book bags by the door today. "We have time... you can look for them.." I did not iron uniforms today... I did not rush out the door.. nor fuss about traffic today. We were late this morning... but morning prayer was very important..."God I ask that you continue to protect my children when I am away..." "God thank you for the shoes food, and clothes... please keep up safe Lord..." they pray... We pull up... I am in the passenger seat today.. Mom I can't reach for a kiss... Jai jumps out.. no kiss from her either... ( I will fuss at them later.) Jai waits for her sister to come to the side of the truck... They walk in together as usual... I watch as they enter the door where their education is a priority.. Top priority.. Safety is now my concern.My Top concern. See a few weeks ago there was an incident ... A parent threatened my child. My thoughts are on my child.. my 9 year old baby.. who still cries when I fuss to much... She is my second in command in my house. She is my little helper. She keeps my little ones in line. She is the guide when I am not around. An adult threatned her safety and I was not there to protect her. Y? Well, because she was at school. The home away from home. The second safest place in the world to be. Right??? Apparently, I am wrong ... Apparently, the parents in Newtown, CT felt the same way when they left there children in the care of the local school district. It is not the school's fault. They were secure. They did what they could. Teacher's attempted to protect the students. 20 children... dead. Their parents will never hear a laugh... never see a smile... no more holidays... Now they will forever mourn. December will never be a joyous month for them. All because... He was mentally ill.. they say... His gun was legally registered they say... For me it is not about the school safety... the school was secure. Nor the gun... it was legally registered to his mother.. Guns DO NOT kill people. People with Guns Kill people. The day a gun fires itself and kills someone then we address gun laws. The issue here is the state of the mental health of our children. If a child has a problem, as a parent, do not ignore it. Address it. Take them to see doctors and specialists. Help them to help themselves. There are signs that should not be ignored I am sure. If a child threatens to kill a parent, him/herself, a friend... something is wrong. Seek help. Its not just for the benefit of the child but the benefit of others. Could this shooting had been avoided? Could the mall shooting had been avoided? Could Columbine been avoided? Could the sniper attack been avoided?? I cannot say... But what I can say is maybe if those shooters had gotten the help they needed so many lives would not have been lost... This is the time now to yes, review the safety of schools but also... review the mental health perspective and get those children some help before another mother has to bury another child because another child was angry...

<3 B.Nicole

So I date myself...

I recall being told by my father.. "U have to take care of you first...than your children"... I did not understand... I always saw it as my children are me, taking care of them is like taking care of myself. Loving them is loving me because well they are me... "U spend to much time on your phone... its always in your hand" says my grandmother... I mean your almost 80 lady what do you know about my cell device. U cannot possibly understand the seriousness of this phone. I cannot miss a call... I cannot miss a text or an e-mail. I. Just. Cannot. So yes it is always in my hand... or close by... no less than 2 ft away. Yes. It. Is. My phone is my life line, I will simply die without it. "when was the last time ur turned your phone off .." OFF?! O_o turn off my phone. But then ppl won't be able to reach me. I have to be reachable at all times. "why" asked my dad. Well daddy in case anything goes wrong with anything. U know I have tasked my self with saving the world, one phone call or text message at a time... He always fussed about the phone.. Always fussed about the time I did not take out for myself. U won't believe what he did!!! Well about two weeks ago... my reliable and trusty electronic device started having problems... It began to overheat while being on the charger inturn meant it could not charge. It started on Wednesday. That Friday I took it to Apple as soon as I got off of work. Well... they looked at the device... the device my boy uses as a football (and no its not in a case.. to big to hard to text with case I always said) with all the cracks and dings... and they say well Ma'am, we cannot replace it for free you have to pay $150.00. O_O I won't pay $150 for an older model phone. The new model was just released and I can get it for $130. That makes $0.00 sense. So I take my device and go back to my daddy of course. I mean I am on his family plan (Yes, I am 26 years old and my daddy pays my cell phone ... Saves me 140 a month too) and I say Daddy I need u to upgrade my phone. He refuses! U spend to much time on thing. I'm not renewing the contract! HMPH I think. I am the only one left with unlimited everything! If u don't renew my contract my phone bill is gonna go sky high! Who is paying that? He fusses about me getting my own plan. Its time I pay my own phone bill. I cannot believe this. Y would I pay a phone bill when he can pay it for me. Daddy we must discuss this further... I negotiate and plead.. beg and plead. He agrees to upgrade my phone. The catch tho... Upgrade cannot take place until the bill is paid. Well how much is the bill. $1600.00. It will get paid and you can order ur phone he assures me. By the end of the week. A week without a phone?! WHAT WILL I DO!? I tell myself to calm down it will work out everything will be fine. The world will not end without this phone. Surprisingly, as the days come and go thru the week, I learn to navigate without my phone. Arrangements are made and everything goes ok and I do not have a phone... By mid-week its smooth sailing, although I did not have my phone, I stayed at my grandmothers, I had internet and cable so I was just fine. I was supposed to get the phone Friday. Friday comes and Dad says, wait a little while longer ... It's Friday I have to go home where I do not have internet/cable. I will not be able to communicate. What will I do??? He says, "U will manage" ... I think I have no choice... I try to charge my phone to see maybe if it had a little life. It does not even turn on this time. I am sad. It's the weekend so I drop the children off to their requested destinations. The ride home... an empty car.. no music ( I hate the radio)... Just me and my thoughts. It is calming... I arrive home. No way to  check FB to see what everyone is doing... No text messages asking if I have the kids ... No one to call and say what u doing I am bored. Cannot call my sister to see if she is still coming to my apartment. It is just me. My apartment. I start cleaning. An hour and half passes and OMG my apartment is clean. I finished my chores in an hour and half. What do I do now?? I warm up some crab legs with butter. My wine. My blanket off my bed and all the pillows. I take them into my living room and build my pillow fort. Put Season 1 Disc 1 of Scandal in the blu-ray player. I eat. drink. and enjoy the company of myself. Next thing I know 4 hours had passed and I was having a good time with myself. Weird thing is I was not worried if the kids were ok, if something was going wrong, if Ju decided to football tackle someone and hurt himself. My mind was clear. My thoughts were on me. I had a good time with myself. I actually slept in my pillow fort. Woke up with a lil back pain from sleeping on hardwoods ( =( I am getting old) but overall I woke up in a great mood. Ate a little breakfast and came into work. Called checked on my children and guess what THEY ARE STILL BREATHING AND BEING KIDS! **GASPS** I think I can live without my phone... for a little while. 

<3 B.Nicole

Rules are made to be broken.... NOT!!!!

Have you ever had someone you were just so into you broke all your rules for?? U know the "90 day rule"... Tuh! Y r u waiting to have sex for 3 months..He likes me I like him.. its ng somewhere.. I mean it has been a whole two weeks... **side eye** What if it sucks and u find out after u develop feelings for him the sex is bad?? Then what?? Right? Or the "He has a girlfriend so no we can't be friends" rule... I mean  if he don't care about his girlfriend... Y should I? He is in the relationship I'm not... right??? TUH... Oh and the "No sex before marriage?!" TUHHHH Who comes up with this stuff.. I mean really. I cannot marry a guy until I know his sex is good. Sex is too important for that... Right?? Oh and that loyalty rule... "be loyal to those who are loyal to you"... I can be loyal to everyone... they my friend so why not... With rules comes questions... and with questions well... u must have an answer... right?... I used to feel like these rules were establish to be broken. Ever since I was younger I questioned authority... My feelings were always "I'm ggng to do what I want to do" Basically to say Eff these rules... As I grew older... I actually learned to respect rules... I have learned the many mistakes I made were because I did not follow the rules... Ya see those same rules I did not follow... the same rules I used to say were meant to be broken.. Were the same rules put into place to protect ... Protect?? Protect what?? From what?? Protect me.... from myself... At 15 I knew everything.. U couldn't tell me anything...What is there to tell me I KNOW EVERYTHING...  At 21, I was exposed to reality... Maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am... At 26... My AH HA!!!! So that's was that was there for arrived... The hardest fall teaches you the best lessons...The rules were not put in place to be broken... They are put in place to protect you from this world. This world is crazy and cold, you need to be guided...Rules are the cushion and the blanket that will keep you warm... Rules were put into place by someone who experienced life who said "let me help out those coming behind" So when u do not follow the rules, you experience the pains of life that could have been avoided... That moment when u tell ur self  "if I had just listen when .... said... " or " I shoulda paid attention when.... was telling me not to do this" Have u ever heard the saying "sometimes you gotta save you from yourself..." Do not break ur own rules.. They were put into place to protect you from harm. U can wait 3 months (or longer.. MARRIAGE) to have sex.... If he/she ain't worth marrying... Y sleep with him/her (whole new  blog post.. stay tuned) You can always have sex... But u won't always have the opportunity to learn a person... especially if you rushed into sex.. Sex changes things... You can be his friend while he has a girlfriend... but if she does not know your his friend.. there is another motive...and he is not ur friend... Do not waste your time... No sex before marriage... it is very rare today... I do not know a couple that is not sexually active however, if you become more committed to the body than the person... marriage more than likely won't become an option... Take the time to get to know who your dealing with.There is nothing wrong with waiting to have sex and if he values you, he wouldn't mind waiting with you. and finally, LOYALTY... The most valuable lesson I have ever learned... When a person says I have no loyalty to you... LET THEM GO! Nothing can be established without loyalty... and if u deserve nothing else, respect and loyalty should be top on your priority list. Regardless of what type of relationship it is or will be... Without loyalty... you will receive nothing but pain. For those who do not have rules... Take a minute to learn you. Learn your value... Appreciate your worth. Because if you stand for nothing you will surely fall for anything and in the end, you will end up hurting.. 

B. Nicole <3

Thief VS Liars...

"If I had to choose between a thief n a liar... I choose thief. A thief is after my salary but a liar is after my reality" I have been given this gift/curse... I have this ability to remove people from my life as if they never existed... My thought process is if I can live/function daily without the woman whom birthed me, whom shares my blood... what makes these random strangers believe, I will die tomorrow if they are not apart of my existence. Unfortunately, I have became immune to losing ppl ... even those I care for. So understand me when I say, if u walk away I will not be angry nor lose sleep. I am used to this. This is my life. Wanna b different?? Stick with me no matter what... I could see my mother tomorrow, walk past her as if she was a complete stranger... Its unfortunate. It is sad. But it is life. I lost count of how many ppl I have lost because I cared to much. There is a person right now that I miss like crazy who is now considered someone I used to know... I don't trust people... I stay to myself for this reason. I have been betrayed enough to know better than to trust strangers. The only people in this world I feel I would die without are the ones I brought here. This does not take away from the ones I have deep loyalty to.. the ones I care for more than life itself. I appreciate my support team but in the end all I have is me and them. This comes from the life I have lived thus far.. These walls are up for a reason...  I haven't met a person yet who cared enough.. invested enough... loved enough.. to want to break them. Until that day comes, they will stand.

<3 B.Nicole

Straight to Jail...

"There was an incident... Bria was involved in an altercation" First words that left her mouth. My thoughts were, "Oh lord who she put her hands on.. told them kids don't play with her... Crazy in her blood" The call came in at 3:54p. "There was an altercation with an adult and Bria" WTF. I arrived at the school by 4:14pm, Largo felt like it was two minutes from SE that day. I knew I was headed to jail that day! Straight to jail without question! Only way I could have gotten there faster was if I teleported. Fire was pumping thru my veins as I entered the building. I'm stopped by a security guard. Ms. Brown she is ok. Calm down. Words had not even left my mouth yet. She could see it in my eyes. I took a deep breathe. "I need to know what happened" She did not know but she directed me to the after care program coordinator who briefly explained, there was a minor altercation in the bathroom. A parent said some things but it was not to Bria she should not have said. Bria got upset and started crying. If steam could leave my ears, it would have. One thing about my child, she does not cry in public. You have to do something to her directly for her to cry. I needed to know who this grown ass woman was cursing out children. You just do not do that! But the coordinator explained and assured me it was not Bria she was talking to. I felt better. Their dad had picked them up from school that day so I couldn't get her side until she came home. I go about my day. Bria comes home.She says, "oh Mommy she was talking to me and she told me that Imma need my mother cuz she gotta F*ck me up (of course she didn't curse I woulda throat chopped her)" She continued, " mommy I didn't even say anything to her, I was talking to Zhiyah" The story ended up being that the mom sent the girl into the bathroom to approach Zhiyah, Bria's new best friend sweet soft spoken little girl. Bria the bigger of the two asked her friend why was the girl in her face. Immediately the mother verbally attacks my child and proceeds to not only threaten her but tell her to get her mother. O_o Had this been me 10 years ago, I would have sat at that school with my child until we saw the little girl and her mother. I would have made Bria kick her daughter's ass as I thrashed the mother. Thank God for growth tho right? My immediate reaction was to find out who this ill mannered creature was. Who are you to make threats to my child?? and tell her get her mother... Oh... True. I was on fire inside. Torn on how to handle this. I could allow my SE side to come out and ask a complete ass. But this would not only embarrass me but my children and I sometimes have to remind myself that they are watching me to learn how to handle things. What do I do?? Well... I did what any other upset mother with common sense would do. I contacted the school. Expressed my anger, sincere disappointment and frustration. How did this happen. Why did this happen and what are you doing to ensure it does not happen again. I was pleased with the response. The mother has been banned from the school. She can no longer pick her children up from school or step foot on the property. Also, I told Bria if she ever sees that little girl in school, to write my number down and give it to her. Tell her to have her mother, "your mom said that I would need my mother, tell her my mom said she is ready when you are." Yep, I still have some growing to do but I am proud of my progress thus far.

<3 B.Nicole 

The Thrill of the Chase....

I was listening to the Strawberry Letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show the other morning. A young lady had written about a man whom she had developed feelings for. They had been dating for some time and he randomly up and disappeared. A few weeks later he reappeared, apologized and they continued where they had left off. A few weeks passes and he disappears again. This time, he didn't just not answer her calls. He blocked her from calling him. She knows this because she attempted to call him and the operator  msg would say something like he is currently not taking calls. She blocked her number, called and received his voice mail. Steve's advice to this young lady was, "Leave him the hell alone. He does not want you. If a man wants you he will pursue you...." This made me wonder...Caused me to reflect... When did the game change where the women became the chaser? Or has it not changed its just that women have become more aggressive? Or did she stumble across one of those men whom was just so good she could not risk another getting him... I have male friends, I listen to their stories of being pursued. On one hand, I can understand the woman's position, she see's what she wants she pursues what she wants but at what point do u step back and say wait a minute, is this worth pursuing? I remember asking a friend of mine a question one time, his reply, "I am persistent... tell me no, its a turn on..." Another question his reply, "I do what I want" Many men feel this way. If he wants u, he will pursue you. If as a woman you find that you are doing most of the interactions ie, ur the only one calling, texting, initiating contact, offering to go out... He just is not into you... Something is preventing him from pursuing or he just may not want you. Rejection is hard to deal with however, realizing that you wasted time  that you cannot get back on someone who has made it clear they are not interested hurts 10 times more than rejection. Don't waste time. Life is to short.I have learned in situations like that, just "fall back" If he notices, he maybe interested, if he doesn't move on. Ultimately, I learned, as my friend said, I do what I want. Men do what they want. If he wanted you to have a place in his life, he will give you one. If there is no place given, then that is your place. Somethings are simple and sometimes women make them complicated... Let it be what it is. I believe there is someone for everyone. In the end, it will all work out.

B.Nicole <3

And then there was him...

Have you ever met someone that changed everything for u? Made u rethink everyone in ur past and question why did u ever waste time?? See for me, that was him. He wasn't my boyfriend. He was simply my friend. He was someone I could talk to for hours... about nothing.. about everything. about anything that bothered me or didn't.... I could text him the dumbest thing and he would laugh with me... Sometimes at me.. but mostly with me. With him I was comfortable in my skin. I could wear my hair up or down... He didn't care ...jordans or pumps... whatever I was ok with he was ok with... He intrigued me.. I enjoyed hearing his life stories... I enjoyed hearing his about his past... his goals... his life. What motivated him ... the things he hated... the things/people he loved. I enjoyed him. I had never had this before. I had never actually enjoyed a person like this before. I didn't have anyone who took interest in listening to me talk. We spent time. He was different than others but I couldn't figure out what exactly drew me to him. I found myself planning things with him... just to see him smile or learn his perspective. I wanted to experience things with him. Of course sexual attraction was strong but it wasn't the sex that I wanted from him. I just wanted his friendship... Try new things with him... Just things that I had never done before. I wanted more time with him and see/learn him more. In our short time together, I learned so much and I just wanted to the option to learn more... experience more... But unfortunately, life sometimes places u in positions where u have to let go of things not because u want to but because u have to ... and for me... he was one of those "things"... Life situations intecerpeted our friendship... if it had the potential to be more I cannot exactly say. But I know I enjoyed my friend. His company. I never had a friend like him before and because he was so different for me I doubt I  will find another. The crazy thing about our friendship is, it set a standard for men I hope to date... I find myself now,  where speaking with men, I look for interactions like the ones I had with my friend... communications like what we shared..experiences to what we had... the ability to be me without reservation...to look forward to seeing someone like I looked forward to seeing him.... Someone who can be my friend before we are anything else....

B.Nicole

3 Babies n a Lady..

2003 at 15 I didn't understand what it meant to b a mom. 2007 I still wasn't sure but I understood my position. 2011 abortion wasn't an option for me... 2012 came the balancing ... Outside of being a mother I'm still me. I did not understand that. I couldn't identify me. Finally when I did I realized how beautiful of a person "me" truly was. True "me" wasn t perfect but everyone has flaws... I'm sure I would make a good wife one day ... But strangely, as odd as it may sound, I was told being a wife is something I may never be. Y u ask? Well see back in 2003, 2005 and 2011 I made a decision that apparently has voided the option of me being a wife. When I signed birth certificates apparently I became disqualified to being a mother. O_o "well, it's still a possibility but it's gonna b hard." The subject never bothered me I speak of my children with such pride because I am proud. Proud to be there mom. Proud to have them as mine ... Maybe it's hard for someone who hasn't experienced them to understand the love I have for them but to say I won't b married because I have 3 children.... Wow. My feelings were hurt ... My children are not a burden and shouldn't been seen as such. "What if he doesn't have kids" "I have three n I can share" "What if he wants a child or two" "God will give us what is meant for us" I don't understand this. My children are mine. Is everyone around me so perfect that their past has no affect on the future? No skeletons? I chose to accept responsibility for my actions. Chose not to take the easier road, n subsequently I'm punished. Amazing. A burden to him is a blessing to me. Each of my children represent a blessing not a burden n any person (man or woman) who has an issue, question or concern with it can easily b removed from my life without question. Point fingers when ur hands are clean.