It can get ugly... Before it get's Beautiful

Wow ... I know this ninja really did not just call me that? Did she call me that? He def called me that...She def just said that... I began to question myself... Was that what I was doing? How did my actions dictate that? Did he really mean that? Ultimately, my feelings were hurt. I had been judged by actions that I did not even commit. It's 2010.. I am 5 months pregnant. I am in a McDonald's parking lot arguing with my ex's sister over something that I did not even do. "that baby ain't his... you a hoe. Your own daughter said your a hoe" Fire filled my soul when those words left her mouth. I stepped back and without thinking grabbed my daughter's booster seat... His mom was in the way I couldn't throw it.. It would hit her and I love her don't want to hurt her. The next best thing... I coughed up the most spit I could and spit right in her face. " Did you just spit on me" As she walked away from my direction and into the passenger seat of her mother's car. I grabbed my children, threw them into the back seat and sped away. Livid. Angry. But more so hurt. The family I thought I had was not my family but his and they had chosen his side. Of course they should have they are his family but in my mind they were my family too... I remember crying that day because at that point I had lost all I had. My family, the one I created and the one I had joined. My self respect. My reputation. I lost myself in the mist of the chaos, I was no where to be found. In the mix of all the judgements, I had lost myself. I questioned me. What had I done for them to see me in the light? I wasn't sleeping around, it was just an accusation. I rarely spoke to people. All I had was them. Lost and confused. I prayed. I cried. Prayed more. I talked to my friends, "do u think I am a hoe" "what do hoes do" I can name every man I slept with. I can even tell u when we slept together. I never been involved in any trains. No smashing of the homies over here. I am many things but a hoe is not one of them. But if I am not a hoe, why would they say that about me. Why would they tell people these things? Why would they lie on me like this? I do not understand. Confused. I go to my father. (Best man in the world) and I am crying.. upset. Y would they say these things about me daddy? His first words "Fuck Them..." He continued... "I do not understand why you allow irrelevant shit to affect you.. these are words.. who gives a fuck what they say" Well, see I did because these words were more then words coming from a man who I had given so much too and loved despite everything we had been thru. They were more than words because he should not say these things about me. People will actually believe him because this is the man I was with for such a long time and he should know me better than strangers... Time passed.... He called me more names. worst names. and I remember one day seeing something that said "it's not about what your called but what you answer too... they talked about Jesus, why won't they talk about u" **light bulb**  That day changed my life. My daddy was right. See he wasn't just the man I spent all this time with. He was now classified as an EX. An EX that hated me because I gave up on him; I left him, the one thing I swore I would never do. He had so many reasons to say bad things about me because as the saying goes "if I can't have you, no one can" His actions proved that. From that day on, I heard so many things about myself... "I didn't know who my son's father was" "I was utterly obsessed with a man who wants nothing to do with me" "I had herpes and I sleep with anyone for attention" Although the things I heard were hurtful... They did not hurt me. It was actually funny. I began to laugh. I did what... with who? When? LOL... I eventually became flattered... Began to take it as a compliment that I am on the mind of so many that no longer have my attention... 

My lesson from this: You will be judged. People will talk. Let them. Everything does not deserve your attention. Be you despite what they say. In the end, God created you uniquely and as beautiful just as you are. You will never be perfect but no one else is. Also, be careful about what you say about others. Don't pass judgement on another situation. God has a way of using the enemy as your footstool. Don't down another to move ahead. Use your words to lift up rather than beat down. You never know who appreciates what your saying and it's hard to take back what's already been said. Finally, those closest to you will hurt you the most, some may not be intentional, some maybe... some may apologize, some may not. Forgive them anyway. They may not know or understand how deep they have hurt you. Pick ur battles wisely.

B. Nicole <3

U should stay because...

Read something this morning... took me back a place I hadn't visited in a while... It said "if something is meant to be it will be and if it's not things will still be OK, so learn to pray and walk away!!!! Forcing someone to be with you that doesn't want to be, will only leave YOU unhappy in the end...If someone wants to walk away LET THEM...never hold onto someone that has already let go of you. In the words of T.D. Jakes, DON'T try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you or staying attached to you.Know when to say goodbye!! And never try to sabotage what someone else has in order to get them to be with you. If God sees two people are not fit HE will take care of that, He doesn't need your help in making that decision for Him".... Ya see in 2005 when I met him you couldn't tell me we weren't perfect together... U couldn't tell me we wouldn't be together forever... See in 2005, I had myself together (so I thought) I was 19.. had a decent paying job.. a car. my daughter was well taken care of. hair and nails done every two weeks. The only thing I didn't have was an apartment. My friends were great. My cousin was my best friend. Everything was great in my life. It was August, my family was giving a going away cook out for my best friend/cousin who was going away to Towson. I was happy for her, kinda wished I could go away with her but I had Bri I couldn't leave her. So here we are enjoying our family time, we swim. I love the pool. We go to change and well my cousin being my best friend knows my love for cars. Especially older cars. She yells out BRIT IMPALA IMPALA. Clothes half on I run out the bathroom to see this beautiful car that I am so deeply in love with at the time. I catch it just in time to see it drive by. I turn to her and say that's gonna be my car one day and before I can finish the sentence the car is backing up. My thoughts oh lord come on cousin lets go. They stop... they speak. We speak. They get out of the car. The driver. This tall funny looking guy with no hang time starts talking to me. His friend talking to my cousin. They are laughing. We speak a little. He has a nice smile but he looks dirty. holy shorts and a wife beater. Fabric boots aka Chucks. We exchange numbers. I remember us talking on the phone a little. Not really often. His friend and my cousin spoke more than he and I did but some how that brief introduction lead us to a 7 year on-off again married but we not married baby mother baby daddy relationship. I remember the day I introduced him to my than 2 year old daughter. He pulled up in his car and she yelled "squad up" ... She didn't know this man her mother was getting out of the car with. That day changed our lives forever. Would I take it back.... ummm not to sure yet. However, I remember this feeling of knowing that he would be with us forever and thinking how perfect it would be. I mean there were "little" things.. "small" things that I would ignore.. like his quick temper and his ability to manipulate. I mean that didn't matter cuz all in all he loves us. Oh yea and the fact that he lied about him having children that day when we met. He had a handsome son. But I mean ppl tell white lies all the time. It's ok, all is forgiven right?? I remember one night, him asking my cousin and I to hang with him and his friends. We went. He left said he would be right back. My cousin had left. I was with his friends. Waiting on him to get back. He never returned. His friend took me home and told me than, "don't talk to him anymore... he aint no good. He left u to go hang with some other females" I thought to myself, he didn't do that something came up. I didn't believe it friend. He called the next day and everything was ok. Than he disappeared and he wouldn't answer my calls. So I texted him about a dog. I knew he would respond. He loves dogs. He did. and we picked up right where we left off.  Well... we had issues .. I mean all relationships do. But we were determined to work thru it. It was US vs Them... I was the Beauty.. he was my beast. Corny but that was the love story we had in my mind. I would buy him things just to remind him how much I cared about him. I remember one year spending $200 on a coat for his birthday... We moved together in January 07. It was random. No one knew. There was no preparation... no time to request the advice of others and really there were no others. All of my friends hated us being together. My cousin hated me because of him. My best friends weren't talking to me because well as I said my mindset was US vs Them and it would always be that. Feb 07 I found out I was pregnant. Everyone asked me not to do this to myself. I was determined to get an abortion. But the advice of my "loving" mother, she took me to talk to him and he begged me not to kill his baby. He promised to be there thru everything. I believed him. Our relationship was always rocky but when he found out about this child on the way. It was better. He wasn't as insecure, didn't accuse me of cheating as much. Didn't call me as many names. I remember one day  feeling so happy. The next day feeling so lonely. See I had developed this new life. All my friends were gone. I had his family as my friends. Holidays were with his family and all my time was with him and his family. I grew to love them as if they were my own. They represented everything I never had. Our daughter was born. His mom and sister were in the room. None of my family were there. I made all these sacrifices to keep him happy. I remember missing my friends soooo much. After her birth, we were back to normal. I was unhappy he was angry. Life was no fun but we pretended to be perfect this was our family. I began to resent him... I put so much into this for it to fail. Where did I go wrong??? I don't give up tho. I stick it thru. Continue to try and make things work. A close friend of my passed away... I walked in the house after the funeral, he was playing madden. Didn't even look up at me. Didn't ask if I was OK. He assumed I had been with a guy that day. He later brought it up in an argument. The words pierced me. The  man I worked so hard to keep in my life and the man that I sacrificed so much for. How could he think this about me?? I began to change at that point. I started to go out more with my old friends (it is true about friends, if they are real nothing can tear u apart) I remember seeing my ex and thinking I let u go for him? that was so dumb! But it was to late to leave. We had a daughter plus my daughter and his son. We were a family. I didn't cheat but he thought I was. Our story of insecurities could go on and on and on. We decide in 2009 to move out of apartment. Maybe things will get better. He moves with his dad and I move with my dad. We aren't broken up but we aren't together... In September 2009, he decides we are done he cannot take it. I am devastated. Don't let our family go like this. I begged him to stay. Cried and argued my position. He refused. I had no choice but to accept it. It's a hard pill to swallow when u put ur everything into something and u end up with nothing. Back to the drawing board. I make a plan. I execute. I move out of my dads after a few short months. He and I are off and on until 2010 when I decided we were officially over with and done after more chaos and drama that I won't get into right now. 
My lesson from this: I should have let him walk away in 2005 when I had to trick him into calling me or when he left me with his friends. In 2006 when the gifts were a way to keep him interested and in 07 when I lost all of my friends and family because I chose him. If a person wants to be with you, nothing can make him/her leave... and as I learned, if a person doesn't want to be with you, nothing will make him/her stay. God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. Learn what to fight for and learn when to let go. Life is to short to waste time on someone who is not supposed to be there. and if u do not know, PRAY. God will show you what's for you.

Do U Love U??

Do U Love U?

Some time ago... Some months maybe I was asked the question, do u love u? Of course my response was yes I love myself. The second question was what do u love about u? List 5 things... I love.... I love.... Well, there was that but I if I could change it I would... N then there is... No I would change that too.... I was stuck. I couldn't name 5 things I loved about myself. Me. Brittany Nicole. Not the mother ... The sister... The friend ... Just Brittany. I couldn't find 5 things to love about me. Not sure when or how this happened but I needed to fix this. Apparently, while loving everyone else I forgot to love me. I can make excuses... Well there was my mom... N she umm... Lol ... N the family who never wanted anything to do with me... N well my daddy he loves me but ... Ugh. Damn the excuses I'm grown now... Y can't I list 5 reasons why I love myself?! It took me time to really process this. If I don't love me why did I expect others too?! I had friends who love me n tell me every day ... N than it hit me. I was never taught this act of loving ur self ... Who teaches this?? It is self learned ... Again trial n error thing... So I decided once a week... Set time aside for me just to show me how much I love me. Date myself for a while n just enjoy me... N I learned I'm not perfect but I'm a pretty cool kid. I am beautiful... I am intelligent ... I am an amazing mom... I have drive n determination. I have overcome so much n the short 26 years that I've been here. My experiences have given me so much wisdom. See I'm not so bad n plus God loves me despite all my faults, imperfections n disobedience. I love me some me.
The lesson I learned is no one can love u better than u outside of God of course.. N no one will know how to love u if u don't know how to love u. Take the time to love u before expecting love from outsiders.
B.Nicole<3

Trial and Error: Learn as You Go

Originally written: September 8, 2012

Learn as U Go: trial n error ???

It's 2:30am n I'm up doing my nightly check... Doors locked *check* windows locked *check* each kid in their designated bed(the 4 year old tends to wake up in places she didn't fall asleep in) *check* As I walk thru my apartment, I enter the biggest of the two bedrooms n I run into this hurricane of books n toys n dolls n clothes. I see a foot hanging... Oh it's the kid amongst the chaos. **thinks  to self** Y can't this room stay clean?? 1) they are rarely in there (my bedroom is the hang out spot) 2. They have a toy box n places for everything... *thinks to self* maybe it's u. I walk down the hall to my smaller but equally messy bedroom... No dolls n books but shoes n mail... Paperwork n homework ... "that's  where that shoe is" n I realize that  maybe their room cannot just stay clean because my room cannot stay clean. See I'm learning that along with my good habits I'm teaching bad habits. "don't leave your dirty clothes on the floor when u get out the shower" I fuss. However this is only after I double check to make sure I didn't do the same. "do the dishes as u use them" but of course wash mine because well,  I just hate doing dishes honestly. I'm not Mrs. Clean n that's something I work on daily n it's interesting because my grandmother taught me "if your house is a mess your mind is a mess... Ur house is a reflection of u" n it took me to my childhood my mom was never clean ... She wasn't dirty but very junky n I never wanted that for my children. But unfortunately u can sometimes become exactly what u do not want to be. For me their messy room is bigger than a messy room. It's a reflection of what they have been taught. They have not been taught to maintain a clean room therefore it cannot be done. It took me almost 26 years to learn this concept. See there were a lot of life lessons I had to learn on my own because I didn't have that person to say, "Brit that's not how u do things " or "here's how u do this" cleaning was one of the minor things... Yes I had chores we all did but we didn't have the person to say "this is how u do this" We had the individual that just expected u to do n I assume Google (which was non existent as I grew up) was supposed to provide exact directions on how to or maybe it was supposed to be something that just came naturally. **shrugs** who knows. I just know neither worked for me. So here I am 26 n cannot maintain a clean room fussing at children that cannot maintain a clean room. Do I blame my lack of teaching or do I teach myself? Well ... As everything else in life... I'll go with option 2. Teach myself n ask questions along the way. No blaming or finger pointing I'm simply to old for that.... So as I stare at a junky bedroom ... I stare at choices I have made... The choice to learn as I go... Trial n Error is staring back at me.  I see two beautiful children(one is asleep in my bed but that's a whole other discussion) from my trial n errors ... Do I regret any decisions I've made... Sometimes ... But I appreciate everything I've been thru because it helped me to grow. It taught me life. It showed me the good,bad, ugly n beautiful. It taught me to face reality. When u don't know what to do... Pray n trust yourself.  Finally, it taught me that I need to keep my room/house clean because the kids are watching! =)

Unprotected Sex... 9 years old.... SHIT!

Driving home... turning into our apartment complex my 9 year old blurts out the most random question ever "Mom, do girls get pregnant young because their parents' do not love them??" Immediately, a million thoughts flood my mind... I was in 10th grade when I got pregnant with her.. Did my parents not love me?? Has she some how realized that babies do not get dropped off by the stork and that a female is actually impregnated by a man that is usually not her husband ...I have stressed the unlikely argument of no children without marriage...  (wait until ur 40 I won't ask for grand children I promise) ... Has she someone how correlated teenage pregnancy to low self esteem or misguidance or lack of love... Teenage pregnancy is as a common as a cold these days so I guess if u see it often u would become curious to know why is this happening.. **takes deep breathe**  WHY DID U ASK ME THIS SO RANDOMLY GIRL I AM NOT PREPARED!!! Google is not within arms reach...I cannot call my dad and ask him for the correct parent way to answer this question... I simply have to figure this out on my own.. wing it almost... I think for a second and somehow it just came out ... "no it doesn't mean her parents did not love her... it simply means she made a decision to have unprotected sex and pregnancy was the result"... She is silent... I am silent. I just said unprotected sex to my 9 year old... Does she know what unprotected sex is... Does she know what sex is... Jesus. Sex talks are something I still have issues talking about with my friends..I turn beet red from shyness and smile with awkwardness.... How do I talk to my 9 year old about it... She didn't ask another question.. Maybe she sensed my awkwardness... She changed the subject... "I want to try new hairstyles, I am tired of braids..." I smiled... but I know I cannot avoid this topic forever... Soon I will have to have this talk.. Soon I will have to explain to her the details on her being my teenage pregnancy and how I pray she just does not do what I did... I have no idea how to talk about this. What do I say? My mom didn't have this talk with me... she had no talks with me.... Do I wait until she ask another sexually related question or is this my time to realize hey she is curious... stop the curiosity before it goes too far... I'll just wait until she comes home on Sunday..  that gives me some time to prepare for this talk.. Research... Think of any possible questions she can come up with... I am not ready for this... 9 years already.. Swear I just was potty training her.. now we have training bras and sex talk. Jesus give me strength, guidance and wisdom to guide this girl down the right path. Wish me luck guys...

10.10.10

Originally written: June 26, 2012

10.10.10. The night that changed me forever. I remember going out n partying drinking n drinking n more drinking. I didnt party often because I had the girls so when I got my break that night I didn't think twice. The logistics of the night are still up in the air ... Who called who? Y was the call even made? The most important question: DID WE HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT??? Needless to say, 5 weeks later the answer to the question was confirmed with a HELL YES WE DID. Damnit. Pregnant. Again. 24. 2 kids. Not married. What was I gonna do??? I remember taking the dollar store pregnancy test and when the results showed positive, I knew that cheap ass test was wrong. So I grabbed my friend and rushed to the ER. "I don't know whats wrong doctor but something is wrong", "are you pregnant", "can we just to check to
make sure I'm not" she returns. "so how many other kids do u have" "other kids. Bitch did u just tell me I'm pregnant" later for her rudeness I thought to myself. "how far am I" was my next question. They whisked me away to do an ultrasound and there it was this little circle with a little flashing thing. "what am I looking at lady" Well this is the embryo and u see that blinking, that's the heart. My eyes grew bigger than life. It has a heartbeat. OMG what am I gonna do???? My daddy is gonna kill me!! A million thoughts raced thru my head. See I was dating someone and I knew he cared for me but see that one night I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to be home in my bed. Sleep. Comfortably . To much alcohol makes a messy mommy and I just wanted to go home. And when I woke up... He was there. Lord what am I gonna do? Smh. I leave the hospital. Go to pick up my girls. I walk in the house and well it's dinner time. So dad says "everything ok girl" I
mumble... Yes. "no babies right" I reply... "well..." he looks up... I just look at him n think don't give me the disappointed face just don't give me that face. He shakes his head. "so what u gonna do" "I don't know dad" he replies, "u know, just hope u kno what ur doing" I couldn't find the words... I go home. I start a text ... I'm
Pregnant... I couldn't press send. I wait. Tend to my girls. I grab the phone. Dial his number. He answers n his I'm sleep but I saw it was u so I answered voice, "hello" "I'm pregnant" "what" tears stream "I'm pregnant" phone goes quiet. "how" "huh" "nothing, so what u gonna do" I don't respond. That was the question of the day. Few days pass. We pretend it doesn't exist. I schedule my first appt. I tell him. He says"so we gonna have a baby" my reply "yes I'm not having another abortion" he says ok. Days pass. We argue more n more as the time gets closer to the first appt. He requests I abort. "we don't even get along to have another baby" I ignore him. U don't have to go thru that. U said u wouldn't put me thru that again... My thoughts linger. First appt comes. Goes. Schedule an ultrasound. Go to ultrasound n there it is again. IT'S BLINKING AT ME!! . He is quiet the entire appt. The one question he asks, "is it to late to get an abortion" Doctor asks, "r u planning to terminate" my reply, "he is... I'm having a baby. What's my due date doctor" he replies between July 1 and 5th to early for an exact date. I laugh to myself. Thinking, thank you God what a great birthday gift of course in the most sarcastic manner ever. I go to work. I see him. The guy I'm dating. I don't tell him. But he knew something was up. I stopped calling. Didn't text. Avoided eye contact. See I didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve that. I had to process this whole thing. Eventually he finds out. He hates me. I continue with my routine. In my head Im confused. What are u gonna do??? The dad doesn't want it. My family is looking at me like I'm crazy. Friends are just excited its a new baby. I'm just in a state of shock. I go to my doctors appointments as scheduled. December  I take my daughter to dance. I'm so tired. His mom invites me to breakfast. I politely decline I just want to sleep. She volunteers to take my girls. I go home. Plan to wash n clean. I fall asleep and sleep from 10 to 4pm. Wake up to a million. I call to check on my girls. He answers, where u been? My reply, sleep! Thinking hello dummy there is a kid growing and taking all my energy. He says, "ur daughter told my sister that if the baby is mine we are getting married" still half sleep it didn't process. What did u say?? "is it my baby" WHAT?!? I was so taken aback by the question. How the hell? Why the hell? This is not happening. After endless arguing. I reply "tell ur mom have my girls ready I'm coming to get them" We meet at the McDonald's. I tell her, your son seems to think the baby is not his... I go onto tell her about what they said my baby said. I defend her, she is 8 what does she know about DNA. If any adult **sneers at his sister** feels my child is not ur son's don't put it on my child speak. She immediately jumps up in response, calls me everything but a child of God in front of my children. I keep my composure. Until she says "ur own daughter called u a hoe". My brain did not process the thought of being pregnant. What you won't do is lie on my child continuously. At this point it was almost an altercation. His mom in the middle so I do not swing I do not want to hit her. Next best thing, I cough up the most spit I could n I spit into her face. In front of my children. Pissed was an understatement. She calmed down after the spit hit her. I got into my car and sped off. Children in the backseat. Everyone crying, he calls. Yelling. "u lucky u weren't there, I woulda hit U with my car" I hang up. We get home. They have questions, to many to remember. What always stood out was the statement my oldest made, "mommy I never said those things auntie said I said. I wouldn't say that about u but what's a hoe" I broke down, in my kitchen holding two small girls who had no understanding of what they just witnessed. We all cried. That night we watched movies until they fell asleep. My mind wouldn't let me sleep. I remember praying until I feel asleep. I woke around 2am and started cleaning. As I cleaned I cried. Before I fell asleep I remember pleading with God. Just tell me what to do and I will listen. I promise, just help me figure this out. As I cleaned I came across this calendar a friend had given me. It was one of those calendars that gave a scripture each month. I opened it to the month my son was conceived. October. The scripture was from the book of Jeremiah. Jeremiah was always a special name for me because before my middle child was born we were pregnant and his name was Jeremiah. Jeremiah was speaking to me this morning. I read the scripture,  Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. (Jeremiah 1:5 KJV). I read it again. Again. I cried. I prayed. God this is my son that I prayed for. I don't know why this is happening now. But I trust u. At that moment I had decided my son would b born. No questions. God told me. This was the boy I always wanted although I didn't know the sex, God told me. I was sad inside but happy at the same time. The situation couldnt have gotten any worst but I was having a baby. I continued with my appointments. My brother tries to make most so I won't b alone. They tell me I'm at risk for losing the baby. I pray and don't worry. January comes. Time to determine the sex. His dad comes and like I said, it's a boy. Everyone is happy. He still mentions abortion. Blames it on finances. We aren't ready. I pay him no attention. Valentines day comes. He buys me my favorite Victoria secret. We have dinner and for once we feel like a family. All is well. So I thought. I get a message from a female from his past Asking about our relationship. I'm confused where did u come from? He's with us all the time. Huh?? I don't want drama she says. Just the truth. I listen to her. My son isn't his she tells me. You trapped him but u really don't know who the father is. Huh?? I call him. What's wrong baby. Nothing she wants her dad can we come to u, he replies it's midnight but ok come on. I drive to him the whole time listening to everything he had been telling her. Lies on top of lies. I was crushed. I get to him. Baby what's wrong I see it. I request he take my daughter into the house, it's late she is tired I mean it's almost 1am. He complies. Comes back out to my car. I ask about her. He denies her. "I stopped tlking to her way before u got pregnant, we can call her right now" he is looking me in my face lying! I was irate. "no need to call her, she is on the phone listening to you" his facial expression changes. He is angry. Yelling at her "this is my family u stupid f*ckin b*t ch" pregnant and all I wail into his face. As if he was not man and can kick my pregnant ass if he wants. I punch n punch until he grabs me, yelling calm down your pregnant! I don't care get ur lying ass out my car I scream. I hate u for how u've ruined my life. Baby please calm down he pleads.  He doesn't want to get out the car. I'm crying. I cannot believe how stupid u are I yell. He screams back u were dating another how do I know that's not his baby. Those words pierced me. Brought me back to reality.  I calmed down and requested he exit my vehicle. He did but asked me to call so we could talk. I agreed. I lied but I agreed. I drive home. Praying God give me strength. This won't be easy for me .i pray until I get home and I sleep in peace. I woke up refreshed and I decided that day. This is my son and I will focus on him. From that day forward I did my best to stay cordial and drama free. It worked for the most part. I wanted my son to be a healthy happy boy. In Feb I was hospitalized. I was carrying my daughter and slipped on ice. To prevent her from hurting herself I took the impact of the fall. The baby was ok but they noticed he had 6 cysts on his brain. Worried was an understatement. Here I am alone in this hospital. God just please don't let my baby die. I prayed and prayed. I was released told to take it easy. Started seeing specialists. We are just gonna have to wait it out. Again I prayed. Put my trust in God. Didn't worry any more. Continued with my appointments. April I decided I wanted to put the question of his DNA to rest. Completed a DNA test. Had to wait 2 weeks for the results. Meanwhile I had my first baby shower. I decided to do two since the results wouldn't be back and I wanted his family to be sure prior to coming. May 14. DNA test confirmed, you are the father. I emailed those results to everyone who ever uttered anything negative about my son. Wanted to put the results on the babyshower cake and shove it into his face. Thank God my daddy talked me out of that. Second babyshower came. His family didn't show. He came at the end. Car trouble. It's fine. I enjoyed my day with my family. Next thing I know its June and the doctor says, "u need to have sex! Get that baby out" I refused. I'll walk. Every week no baby. They scheduled an induction for July 5,2011. Whoop the day after my 25th birthday. I'm ready. July 1,2011 I decided let me go walk to make labor easier. I grabbed my girls and my puppy my brother brought me for mothers day and we headed to grand dad's house. Up Alabama Ave to Naylor Rd. it started raining so my brother picked us up. Rain over. Let's walk some more. Start going down Eerie up 30th down Alabama ave. we were walking. Everyone was tired. I get home. The girls dad pick them up to give me a break. I decide to mop my apartment. I feel a contraction. I ignore it. Another. I say"lil boy if ur not coming sit still, I'm trying to clean". Another comes. Another comes. I call my brother. Hey I'm not sure if this is real but just be close. Another comes. I continue to mop. I tell myself to cal the doctor Once I'm done the dining room. I call. She says come in 3rd babies come quick. I ignore it mop some more. Than the sharpest contraction ever. I call my brother COME NOW! my hard headed self never packed my bag so I'm running (trying to at least) grabbing what I can. By the time my brother arrives I have slowed to a crawl. Labor hurts! We get up the stairs and out he door. Silver Spring was so far from SE that night. We pull up this lady asks do u need a wheel chair, I say no I'll walk. Took a step n screamed for the chair. They get me to LnD triage. I'm 8cm 90% effaced. The boy is coming and coming fast! I call his dad where are you please hurry!! They rush me to delivery. Everything is happening so fast all I remember was hoping his dad made it in time. He cant miss the birth of his son. I'm crying calling where are you! He says I'm on my way calm down I'm coming. They prep me to push. I'm not ready. His dad isn't here. I push twice. It's 11:15. His dad walks in. Julian LaRon was born at 11:31pm. 7 pounds 1oz 23 1/2 inches long. All the doctors said, "he is going to be a big boy." After all the chaos n drama, I had a beautiful healthy baby boy. Sunday, July 1 we celebrate our first year together. It was not the easiest year. It was far from perfect but thru it all we had each other. I'm his biggest fan, his main supporter and I will forever stand behind him. Happy 1st Birthday to my first and only son. May God continue to bless us with many more days together...

B. Nicole <3

I'm Just Me

Originally written: Feb. 2, 2009

Someone asked me... Who do I think I am... To describe myself....

At the time this question was asked... words couldnt leave my mouth... I didnt know what to say... I dont know how to answer. Who do I think I am..... But as time passed this is what I came up with...

I dont think Im better then you... but I do know I love me more then

you...
I dont think I am the prettiest in the world but I know Im not ugly
I dont think I am the best at everything... but I know what I do try I do my best
I dont think I am the best mother in the world, but I know I try to be...
I dont think Im "this official ass bitch" but Im know Im a bitch when Im hurt
I dont think im the best dressed female but I like what I wear
I dont think I have to step on you to make myself feel better
I dont think Im as dumb as some may think I am...
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I hurt myself to spare others pain.
But when I got to the point where I couldnt take it no more... I decided to look out for self and my children. So you can call me selfish and stingy, you can call me all the bitches in the book. You can call me whatever you like... but at the end of the day when this is all said and done, when I look into the mirror, I no longer see the person with tears and pain, I see a person who decided to stand up and say Im not taking this shit no more, my happiness comes first and for once I am happy. Sadly, my happiness hurt you. So whats sadder, your hurting because Im happy or my happiness not including you because Im finally on the road to where I want to be going.... Got to the fork in the road and decided to go straight....
I love you but I love me more so I finally chose me....

My Stage

Originally written: November 17, 2010.

In a room surrounded by so many who love n support me thru everything...However, there are whispers as I walk by n all I can do is keep moving. Head up smile bright. No shame. Headed for the stage. When I get there idk what to do, won't know what to say but I just know that's where I'm headed. So the whispers won't stop me, the looks slow me n I stop...briefly... to see who's looking but I still push thru the thick crowd. A fight breaks out slows my path, I pause again. Gain my composure take a few more steps. They ask a million questions, "why does she walk like that, talk like that, she coulda walked the other way" Along the way someone grabs me we talk for a bit he's cute nice but fake as the rest. Thought he knew me thought he loved me, no different from the others. I slowly back away. Regain my composure take a few more steps. Headed to the stage...I have to get there.. Idk what I'm gonna say when I get there, idk what I'm gonna do. I just know I gotta get there n I will get there soon. A few drinks spill on me, maybe some were thrown. Slows me down but I keep going... Its getting closer, the crowd is thick. I continue to push my way thru. Not easy but I do it. Security asks "are you ready" they were waiting for me. See I knew on this stage is where I should be. Idk what I'm doing. Idk what I'm gonna say. But I'm finally here at this stage n I smile. N take my position.... Front and Center....


** The room I stand n is actually not a room. The room is my daily surroundings. I'm surronded by spectators, many who pass judgement. Those who attempt to slow me on my path to the stage (path thru life) but just note how some things may slow me down but regardless I will get to where I'm going. Regardless. My stage is my destiny, a place only for me designed by God... Only God can Judge me so who the fuck are you? Its love. Its life. Its mine. ♥ **

My Reflection

Originally Written: August 28,2009

My First grader and My Ma Ma

Last night as I worked I sat back and reflected. When I got home I saw my reflection. The weird thing is my reflection spoke to me... and said Mommy thats nasty... My reflection walked past me and said Mom I getting juice. The picture enclosed is a reflection of me. Not the clothes I wear, not the car I drive, not the place I live, not my actions. My reflection are my girls. My reflection includes Jaila saying thank you for the stranger that held the door for her... my reflection is my 1st grader telling her 13 year old aunt College is the only place Im going! My reflection is displayed in their everyday activites. Their wisdom. They are my pride. They are my joy. They are my smile and my tears. They are the reason I live... the reason i work... the reason I breathe... all lies within those 2 little people. To lose them is 2 lose everything. Without them I am nothing. Words cannot express what they have done for me and continue to do for me and all they are doing... simply living... being children. Being my children. With the crazy laughs... the silly stories.. they are mine... I will go to the ends of the earth to protect them from pain and death to whoever makes them cry. I am in love with my reflection for my reflection is them....

♥ Bria Charay & Jaila Louise ♥

-♥ B.Nicole

Dear Death

Originally Written: August 12, 2009

I see you have made another visit to my neighborhood and the question is still the same... WHY? What made you want to take him with you last night? Do you not realize the pain you cause? Do you not see the effect your having? Please don't think I am disrespecting you, I have the upmost respect for you. I do not fear you tho because I know God is not through with me yet. See I have known you for a long time, I think I was about 4 when I first heard of you. You took Ronald away...(RIP RONALD A.BROWN) From then on you, you seemed to continue to make these unscheduled apperances and I am just so confused. Your ruined my family back when you took Grandma Johnson(RIP), we havent had thanksgiving together since. You showed your colors in Kindergarten when I saw them take Damion Blocker's body out of the building. I was so small but you felt the need to show your face then, again why? Then you disappeared for a while and SURPRISE u were back and Uncle Booker was gone.(RIP UNCLE BOOKER) Thanks.. my daughters didnt even get to smile at him and hear his laugh. Time passed... I grew a little and I guess you didnt want me to forget about you. Because in 9th grade you came and took Jerel with you.(RIP SEDAWEED) I know he didn't want to go. He had just asked me to do his hair so I know he wasn't ready. You disappeared again but then you came back of course, taking those away who refused to respect you I guess. Time passed. I grew more. Had a family. Thats when you introduced yourself to my family and all I could do is console them because I have known you my whole life. Its nothing I can do to change you. Your just so selfish.2003... I remember crying so bad... but not for me for my fam.. She lost her best friend and you didnt even care that he was coming out of school. You waited for him and as if it did not matter you took him with you. I cried for her because it was nothing I could do to stop her paid. (R.I.P Devin).. The school year began and I remember seeing Q and hearing the news..how could it be true?! We JUST finishd summer school together laughing and playing... but they were right... Cheese was gone (RIP CHEESE)... U disappeared again.. Im assuming you missed seeing me hurt because last year. You appeared again. This time I tried not to cry. But you refused to allow me to smile. I made the best out of it. You hurt me so much and it begain to hurt my daughter 2. I tried to protect her from you but you finally got her. The great thing is her heart is so big and she didnt let you affect her, she simply said "Mommy Uncle Anthony is waiting on us in heaven."(RIP UNCLE ANTHONY) So I smile now to know he is gone and the worst thing that could have happened... DID and its nothing else that will make me cry like that again. SO I guess you wanted to prove me wrong and you came and took Lemonhead the day of my daughters birthday celebration(RIP LEMONS). So with tears in our eyes, we celebrated the life rather then mourn his death. You wanted to see us hurt, but Death Im sorry. You will not control my life any longer. And I stand firm in my position you will no longer hurt me and I showed that to you Sunday. The words came out his mouth so easy. But to process the thought was so hard. I didn't get to tell her how much I secretly admired her outspokeness, her strength and her wisdom. She was apart of my life for a short time but she impacted me a great deal... You can take her body but her memory is still within me. She is greatly missed.. (RIP Binki) and then again today your ass just had to come back...2 damn soon I must say. The phone call came to me and I couldn't even cry. I simply remembered our last conversation with a smile. Prayed to the above to protect his soul and heal the hearts of his family because I know the pain you cause all to well.(RIP GUS) You dont deserve to see my tears. Your simply delivering what God has requested. He wants his angels home... am I mad at you? Hell yea. Because if it was my choice they would all be here with me today. Living... breathing... laughing... enjoying the life they deserved that for some was cut entirely to short... So my final words to you Death.... I do not fear you, I respect your process. I just wish you would not take so many from me. Im saddened to say I expect your appearance atleast once a year if not more. I just wish things could be different. I rather had met you just one time and thats hopefully when I am 100 years old... I have so many questions for you... but I will leave them unknown. All I ask is you tell those you took with you, that I miss them so much. I wish the days we lived together could be relived over and over... But I understand this is apart of life. So Death continue with your pain causing ways. I just wish I had the chance to say GOODBYE.... Thank you for those who you have chosen to leave behind. Without them, I wouldn't be able to accept you.

B.Nicole ♥